Affairs often involve a lack of self control. People give into urges or fantasies that they have been keeping active in their minds. The whole affair situation worsens when a spouse attempts diminishing what happened with the excuse that they were drunk (or stoned). Such an admission suggests that there are substance abuse problems in addition to the poor self control related to the affair. Disorders of self control often happen in combination like that. One self control problem has a way of spilling over into another area of their lives. If you or your spouse has such multiple self-control problems, (over eating, purging, gambling addictions, drug addictions, drinking problems, spending addictions, etc.) you need professional help. Many people make the mistake of saying they are getting better when all they are doing is switching the self-control problem from one area of their lives to another.
The only exception I have seen regarding the self-control issue (where the person acts out their fantasy or urge) is related to affairs involving sexual addicitions, although that in itself is a self-control disorder as well. Some sexual addicts have affairs due to being driven to do so. It is almost as if their brain goes on automatic pilot and they are then driven to act out.
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Although the topic of sexual addiction is discussed in erotic literature and romance novels, many people do not recognize the many ways such addictions can show up in their lives. Here is a list of the ten most common forms of sexual addictions. Although many couples do not want to admit that these may be going on in their marriage, knowing what they are can help you better identify the danger.
1. Role Play or Fantasy Sex. Although many of the sex books advocate this, the role playing often crosses the line of play. When you spouse is more turned on by your role than you, there are problems.
2. Seduction Sex. This is where the spouse wants their partner to seduce a third party. This can occur either overtly or covertly.
3. Sex with Anonymous Persons.
4. Money for Sex
5. Trading Sex for Other Favors. This is where sex becomes a medium of exchange. The sex is used for payment or services with others.
6. Voyerism.
7. Exhibitionism.
8. Using pain or humiliation to bring about sexual arousal
9. Violating sexual boundaries. This involves violating the boundaries of others without their awareness of the act.
10. Confusing power differentials in relationships with sex. This often involves powerful roles or people exploiting the weaker ones for sexual purposes.
This list is designed to help know if your sexual behaviors have crossed over the line into the sexual addiction category. It is for use as a guideline, not as a diagnostic tool. If you have several of these in your life, you may want to consult with a specialist to help you with those behaviors.
(see, Patrick Carnes book, Don’t Call it Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction for more information).
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, cheating, common sexual addictions, infidelity, relationships, Sexual addiction, sexual addictionsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
With all the resources and books available for couples, how can you tell which ones to trust? What they often want to know are which authors I recommend. This is a valid question and concern which I am often asked by couples . I have not read all the books that are out there. It would be a full time job just reading everything that is published on the topic. There are a few that I recommend without hesitation. Willard F. Harley, who wrote His Needs, Her Needs puts our consistently good material. His site, Marriage Builders does a good job. I also like Gary Smalley’s early materials. His books, If Only He Knew and For Better or Best are solid. Smalley and Harley are the major Christian oriented writers I prefer. I am also familiar with Elissa Gough’s material and can recommend her books. She has a website called Face Reality, which is solid in terms of dealing with affairs.
In terms of the heavy duty material, Patrick Carnes is what is needed for the sexual addictions. A scary reality is that some affairs do involve sexual addictions of one type or another. He has been in the forefront of addressing this issue for many years.
There are other good books out there. Frank Pittman’s material has been spoken of very highly, although I have not gone through it myself.
There is often some material of value in many of the resources out there. I do steer away from authors that advocate “open marriage” as a solution from things. That approach often confuses the people I work with since they are seeking reconciliation in most cases. The main person that you should listen to is your counselor and your pastor. They will know you and your personal needs better than myself.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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