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In continuing with the list of ways to avoid emotional blackmail, this is the second installment.

3. Have an escape plan. Make sure you have a way out of the situation or agreement if things get bad. A plan is not only how to leave but also when to leave. Many people make the mistake of not leaving a bad situation until they are in too deep. This also includes relationships, whether you were the resolute spouse or the infidel. In the case of the infidel, you need to know when and how to leave the affair. In the case of the resolute spouse you need to know how far you will go in working to save the marriage. Waiting until it is too late can be a disaster. Rather than panic with “What shall I do?” , have your escape plan in mind before you are forced to have to leave.

4. Do not say “Yes” based on emotions or peer pressure. Saying “Yes” under those circumstances is a manipulation. Saying yes, when you really want to say no is also a hallmark of sexual addiction. Many times those afflicted with it can not find it within themselves to say “No”. There are also spouses who are sexual for their partner and not for themselves, which produces problems. Sexual addicts are often easy targets for emotional blackmail as are their partners.

More ways to avoid emotional blackmail are on their way. Check back daily to see the latest.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

emotional blackmail, how to leave an affair, leaving a lover, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, Understanding Affairs

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Although the practice of ’swinging’ is portrayed as hip and cool, the reality is often very different. What was once labeled as ‘wife swapping’ or ‘open marriage’ has been given the title of swinging in order to have more mass appeal.

I cannot speak for all swingers, but only for the ones that I have worked with. I have seen the brokeness that swinging produces and the damage it leaves in its wake. Many wives are caught up in swinging at the insistence of their spouses. Since they want their husbands to be happy, they initially go along with the idea.

First, swingers have to find a way into the ‘network’. In each city that has a swinging network, there are prescribed places to meet that have been pre-selected ahead of time. One must be ‘in the know’ in order to have awareness of which club they need to attend that evening. The clubs often charge a fee, with a required number of drinks for the couple. Initially there is either fear of the unknown or the excitement of dressing up and going somewhere filled with activity. Children are often sent off for the weekend in order to avoid embarrassing moments associated with being found out.

Once at the pre-selected club, the couples mingle, drink and dance. After a few hours, the alcohol kicks in and then it is time for a ‘get-together at someone’s home, retreat or boat’. The locations are often very exclusive, which adds a sense of unreality and fantasy to what is going on.

When the lifestyle begins, there is plenty of excitement at doing something different and dangerous. Once the couple becomes immune to the danger and conscience, the excitement of dress up and drama associated with human relationships often takes over to keep the adrenalin pumping. The spouse engages in activities that they may find distasteful only because it pleases their spouse. In this mix of people, emotion and alcohol, the feelings of arousal and pleasing the spouse are often confused.

The result is a lifestyle full of secrets, guilt, shame and remorse. Yes there was excitement, although there are often more memories of things they wish to forget. There is the anxiety or running into someone from ‘the club’. There is the possibility of someone finding out that they do not wish to find out. It becomes another world with its own set of rules and control over the people. It becomes a world that owns the couple rather than them owning their own world. The glamor is deceitful. It tricks people into a lifestyle that will change them and their conscience forever. It is a glossy way to hide sexual addictions and affairs and try to make them acceptable.

When the parties are over, the couple are often left with the reality that the swinging was nothing more than affairs and orgies on a grand scale.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, cheating and swinging, open marriage, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, swinging and affairs, swinging and infidelity, Understanding Affairs

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When adulterers are caught, they often give various reasons, excuses and explanations for their behaviors. One of the explanations is that “I was born this way” or “it’s in my genes”. The spouse may sarcastically quip about “Yeah, its in your jeans”. The question arises “what are the facts?”. Can a person be born to have affairs?

Like many types of addictive behaviors, such patterns often occur with regularity in some families. Persons born in such families will have a greater risk for such behavior, although it does not mean that they will have an affair or that their spouse will have an affair. The greater risk means that the possibility of having an affair is higher than would occur in other families. If you are from one of those families or married someone from one of them, you may want to take steps to reduce the possiblity of such behaviors occurring.

Ignoring the increased risk is dangerous. Ignoring such a significant risk is akin to ignoring the symptoms of a major medical disorder and thinking “it will pass”. When dealing with affairs, the risk does not just pass. Giving it time will not make it go away. You will need to take active steps to prevent and reduce the likelihood of it occurring.

Some individuals do have sexual addictions. In such cases, they may have a series of affairs or episodes of sexual acting out. If you suspect that your spouse has such a pattern, it is important to seek professional help. Such outbursts could be sexual addictions or manic episodes. It will take a professional to make such a determination. What is clear is that such behavior can not be ignored.

There are some situations where affairs behavior is predominate in families. Although it shows up in famlies, it does not mean that those born into it are doomed to have an affair. It also does not give someone an excuse to have an affair or excuse the affair and cover-up that occurs. Affairs and affair behavior can not be ignored. They need to be dealt with and resolved in order to prevent them from becoming a way of life or an ingrained pattern.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

are affairs genetic, family patterns of affairs, genetic basis of affair, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, Understanding Affairs

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Affairs often involve a lack of self control. People give into urges or fantasies that they have been keeping active in their minds. The whole affair situation worsens when a spouse attempts diminishing what happened with the excuse that they were drunk (or stoned). Such an admission suggests that there are substance abuse problems in addition to the poor self control related to the affair. Disorders of self control often happen in combination like that. One self control problem has a way of spilling over into another area of their lives. If you or your spouse has such multiple self-control problems, (over eating, purging, gambling addictions, drug addictions, drinking problems, spending addictions, etc.) you need professional help. Many people make the mistake of saying they are getting better when all they are doing is switching the self-control problem from one area of their lives to another.

The only exception I have seen regarding the self-control issue (where the person acts out their fantasy or urge) is related to affairs involving sexual addicitions, although that in itself is a self-control disorder as well. Some sexual addicts have affairs due to being driven to do so. It is almost as if their brain goes on automatic pilot and they are then driven to act out.

addictive behavior and affairs, addictive behaviors and affairs, drinking and affairs, eating addictions, infidelity, problems of self control, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, shopping addictions, Understanding Affairs

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Although the topic of sexual addiction is discussed in erotic literature and romance novels, many people do not recognize the many ways such addictions can show up in their lives. Here is a list of the ten most common forms of sexual addictions. Although many couples do not want to admit that these may be going on in their marriage, knowing what they are can help you better identify the danger.

1. Role Play or Fantasy Sex. Although many of the sex books advocate this, the role playing often crosses the line of play. When you spouse is more turned on by your role than you, there are problems.

2. Seduction Sex. This is where the spouse wants their partner to seduce a third party. This can occur either overtly or covertly.

3. Sex with Anonymous Persons.

4. Money for Sex

5. Trading Sex for Other Favors. This is where sex becomes a medium of exchange. The sex is used for payment or services with others.

6. Voyerism.

7. Exhibitionism.

8. Using pain or humiliation to bring about sexual arousal

9. Violating sexual boundaries. This involves violating the boundaries of others without their awareness of the act.

10.  Confusing power differentials in relationships with sex. This often involves powerful roles or people exploiting the weaker ones for sexual purposes.

This list is designed to help know if your sexual behaviors have crossed over the line into the sexual addiction category. It is for use as a guideline, not as a diagnostic tool. If you have several of these in your life, you may want to consult with a specialist to help you with those behaviors.

(see, Patrick Carnes book, Don’t Call it Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction for more information).

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, cheating, common sexual addictions, infidelity, relationships, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions

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With all the resources and books available for couples, how can you tell which ones to trust?  What they often want to know are which authors I recommend. This is a valid question and concern which I am often asked by couples . I have not read all the books that are out there. It would be a full time job just reading everything that is published on the topic. There are a few that I recommend without hesitation. Willard F. Harley, who wrote His Needs, Her Needs puts our consistently good material. His site, Marriage Builders does a good job. I also like Gary Smalley’s early materials. His books, If Only He Knew and For Better or Best are solid. Smalley and Harley are the major Christian oriented writers I prefer. I am also familiar with Elissa Gough’s material and can recommend her books. She has a website called Face Reality, which is solid in terms of dealing with affairs.

In terms of the heavy duty material, Patrick Carnes is what is needed for the sexual addictions. A scary reality is that some affairs do involve sexual addictions of one type or another. He has been in the forefront of addressing this issue for many years.

There are other good books out there. Frank Pittman’s material has been spoken of very highly, although I have not gone through it myself.

There is often some material of value in many of the resources out there. I do steer away from authors that advocate “open marriage” as a solution from things. That approach often confuses the people I work with since they are seeking reconciliation in most cases. The main person that you should listen to is your counselor and your pastor. They will know you and your personal needs better than myself.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Elissa Gough, Gary Smalley, open marriage, Patrick Carnes, Resources, sexual addictions, Willard Harley

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