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Stalkers, like other control game freaks, often want more and more control. In some cases that stalker gains enough power over the victim to where there is a blackmail situation. The fear of the secrets getting out is so great that people are put into compromising situations. Secrets often go hand in hand with affairs. The more powerful the secret, the more exciting the affair. When a stalker has control, they have managed to leverage the power of the secret and use that power to exploit the victim. In some cases, the information may be a threat to expose the affair. In other cases, the victim is exploited into having an affair with the stalker. Either way, the effects are devastating.

One of the dangers of blackmail is that is seldom ever ends. The secret continues being used to leverage more. More sex, more money, more secrets, the cycle never ends. Those people with more money, popularity, etc  are more vulnerable to stalkers who want to leverage what they have learned. Whatever their motives, they use fear as a powerful motivation to manipulate the victim. I have also seen this used with persons caught up in the sex trade and swingers lifestyle who wish to leave, yet are trapped by threats of being exposed or used against them in divorce courts.

It is not beyond stalkers and blackmailers to set up traps for their victims. They often operate on a hunting-type mentality that seeks to ensnare and exploit their prey. They are not interested in loving them, only in using them. If you are in one of these situations, it is important that you come up with an escape plan and do it quickly. These situations do not improve over time, they only worsen and the stakes grown greater.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and blackmail, affairs and swingers, dealing with stalkers, Reducing the Risk, sex trade, stalkers and affairs, swingers, Understanding Affairs

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How does one deal with stalkers?

Stalkers are not often amenable to logic of discussing things rationally. Since they are often driven by emotions, the use of rational thinking with them is of limited use. You may feel better by trying to talk rationally with them, but it will do little to change their behaviors. In dealing with such people, you will need to stop the nice guy/nice girl approach.

1. Set firm limits. You need boundaries that are firm and clear. This is important for you and to send a message to the stalker. Know what you will and will not tolerate.

2. Be willing to call the police or other agency in maintaining your boundaries.

3. Limit your contact and communication with them. When you do communicate, limit it to one word ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses. They will often attempt to engage you in interactions. Resist the temptation to explain yourself or elaborate on your communications.

4. It is better to be safe than sorry. With this in mind, use precautions when you travel.  Debug your computer and phones.  If necessary, do not travel alone or venture into high risk situations.

5. Find friend who you can talk to about what is happening. At times you may feel trapped if you do not use your friends and relationships to cope with what is occurring. Stalkers often want their victim to feel isolated and alone. It is important to stay engaged in relationships with your support system.

6. Let go of the idea that you ‘need’ to talk with them.

7. Be firm in saying ‘no’. No needs to mean no.

These are some simple guidelines that will help you deal with stalkers.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

boundaries and affairs, dealing with stalkers, Reducing the Risk, stalkers and affairs, stalking lovers, Understanding Affairs

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Not all stalkers are the same. Some are benign, with their impact being mainly as a nuisance and a time waster than anything else. These stalkers mainly gather information and want to learn about their target. When one spouse suspects another of an affair, they often go into this mode. When seeking information, they view websites, telephones, cars, wallets, bills, etc.  It is amazing how when this behavior is conducted by the spouses, it is stalking, when it is done by lawyers, it is called ‘discovery’. One is viewed as ‘dangerous’ behavior, the other has the full legal sanction of the courts. Both amount to unwanted snooping and prying into other people’s business.

Some stalkers are malicious. When stalkers follow their victim with the mindset that ‘they are unworthy”, there is potential trouble. The thinking of unworthiness can transform into desires for revenge. Since affairs often arouse STRONG emotional reactions, there is always a high risk of revenge behaviors occurring. When people are aroused emotionally, they do not always think. They often lash out in their reactions. When those lashing out behaviors are combined with stalking, there is the potential for damage to property, person or reputation. When revenge occurs, the person who was damaged is not always the person who the stalker was mad at. In some cases, they are a scape goat used to inflict fear or for an example of what the stalker may do in the future.

Stalkers often attempt to inflict fear at the deep emotional levels which they have felt. Being that affairs stir up deep feelings, the reaction is often also deep. Lovers and spouses do not like being spurned. Some infidels want to dominate and control their target. Some spouses want to dominate and control the spouse they fear is pulling away from them. The pain of betrayal is deep and the reaction to such betrayal is also deep.  Although some lovers approach affairs with a lego mentality where people can be joined or pulled apart and reconfigured at will, the reality is that relationships are not interchangeable. When such changes are made, there are unseen ramifications. One of these is the potential of arousing the stalker inside of others or themselves.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

discovery as stalking, paybacks and affairs, stalkers and affairs, stalking and discovery, types of stalkers, Understanding Affairs

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Jennifer refused the advances of a married man who approached her. He was persistent in his advances, but she remained firm and said “NO”. After the incident, she occasionally saw the man. She tried to be decent with him, but he always managed to twist matters. he often stared at her, which made her feel uncomfortable. As Jennifer put it, “He creeped me out!”

Jennifer then began to avoid him. He began stalking her by getting to know her friends, making malicious posts on social network sites and generally making her look like a slut. He often drove by her work place and home, he seemed to be everywhere.

Jennifer wanted him to go away, but did not want to draw any more attention to the situation. She felt trapped by him and his behavior.

Jennifer needed to say no. Do not return his text messages, do not return his e-mails, do not give him rides, do not go someplace and talk, … do not provide any openings for such people.

Situations like Jennifer’s happen quite often. Dealing with such situations requires strength and determination. It also requires firm boundaries. Although it was good of our parents to teach us to play nice, there are times, that one has to be firm, like this situation.  Some women just give into the threats hoping that it will shut the man up and make him leave them alone. It does not happen like that. Giving into them often emboldens them to be even more daring.

Dealing with stalkers is never easy, especially when they involve affair situations. In those situations, setting firm boundaries is essential.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating and stalking, Reducing the Risk, saying no to stalkers, stalkers and affairs

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