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Although the practice of ’swinging’ is portrayed as hip and cool, the reality is often very different. What was once labeled as ‘wife swapping’ or ‘open marriage’ has been given the title of swinging in order to have more mass appeal.

I cannot speak for all swingers, but only for the ones that I have worked with. I have seen the brokeness that swinging produces and the damage it leaves in its wake. Many wives are caught up in swinging at the insistence of their spouses. Since they want their husbands to be happy, they initially go along with the idea.

First, swingers have to find a way into the ‘network’. In each city that has a swinging network, there are prescribed places to meet that have been pre-selected ahead of time. One must be ‘in the know’ in order to have awareness of which club they need to attend that evening. The clubs often charge a fee, with a required number of drinks for the couple. Initially there is either fear of the unknown or the excitement of dressing up and going somewhere filled with activity. Children are often sent off for the weekend in order to avoid embarrassing moments associated with being found out.

Once at the pre-selected club, the couples mingle, drink and dance. After a few hours, the alcohol kicks in and then it is time for a ‘get-together at someone’s home, retreat or boat’. The locations are often very exclusive, which adds a sense of unreality and fantasy to what is going on.

When the lifestyle begins, there is plenty of excitement at doing something different and dangerous. Once the couple becomes immune to the danger and conscience, the excitement of dress up and drama associated with human relationships often takes over to keep the adrenalin pumping. The spouse engages in activities that they may find distasteful only because it pleases their spouse. In this mix of people, emotion and alcohol, the feelings of arousal and pleasing the spouse are often confused.

The result is a lifestyle full of secrets, guilt, shame and remorse. Yes there was excitement, although there are often more memories of things they wish to forget. There is the anxiety or running into someone from ‘the club’. There is the possibility of someone finding out that they do not wish to find out. It becomes another world with its own set of rules and control over the people. It becomes a world that owns the couple rather than them owning their own world. The glamor is deceitful. It tricks people into a lifestyle that will change them and their conscience forever. It is a glossy way to hide sexual addictions and affairs and try to make them acceptable.

When the parties are over, the couple are often left with the reality that the swinging was nothing more than affairs and orgies on a grand scale.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Affairs and Children, cheating and swinging, open marriage, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, swinging and affairs, swinging and infidelity, Understanding Affairs

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After a previous post on modern trends, I realized that I had not addressed the topic of swinging at any length. The swingers lifestyle is like entering another world. swinging can occur on many levels. From neighbors or ‘friends’ making an agreement to the elaborate swingers clubs. With the swingers clubs, one typically has to be ’screened’ first. This occurs through a website portal or through connections. After being screened, the couples are told which club to go to and when to be there. Typically, it is on a Friday evening. The couple then looks forward to their night out, where they play dress up. Once at the club, there is usually a minimum number of required drink purchases. Once the requirement is met, people begin to mingle and there is often a party that starts after the dancing, meeting and talking at the club. The party is typically at an exotic locale, which adds a surreal aspect to everything. The locale may be a private residence or yacht. Some of the parties last over the weekend, to where one night turns into a full-blown outing.

The cycle continues either on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis. In the cases where the couple has alternating visitation weekends, they may arrange for the kids to be out of town while the couple ‘plays’ with their friends.

The lavish settings, alcohol and drugs make it an unreal experience. The guilt is often avoided by getting deeper and deeper into the lifestyle. Once a person is in the lifestyle, you begin finding out more and more about local socialites and the secrets add excitement, but also keep one locked into a way of life that continues drawing them further and further into it. Since some of those who are in the lifestyle are in the local community, one is often reminded of the what they have done.

This lifestyle, like any addiction process can be ended. The whole lifestyle is like an extended affair on steroids. If you want to leave the lifestyle, there is hope. Pulling out of such a lifestyle requires commitment from both the husband and wife to make their marriage work. It will also require honesty concerning what has happened and how it changed each of them. They will have to learn to develop monogamous intimacy. Since the ‘herd’ mindset is hard to break, leaving the swinging lifestyle is challenging, but doable.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating, infidelity, swinging and affairs, swinging lifestyle, Understanding Affairs

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