I often hear the question, “Why doesn’t she leave him?” or “Why does he put up with her?”. These are questions often asked regarding affairs. The questions arise when outsiders do not understand the bonding that has taken place. When couples have been together for a while, there is bonding. The bonding occurs on many levels. When there is ‘traumatic bonding’ the bonding is very strong, although often due to emotional trauma endured to create the bond.
When a couple with a traumatic bond experience an affair, strange things happen. Although the bonded spouse sees and ackowledges signs of the infidelity, the bonding that has occurred will prevent them from leaving the relationship. It is one thing if the spouse is committed to the relationship, it is another if they are an emotional slave who is staying in the relationship due to the emotional bondage that has been programmed into them. When there is emotional bondage, whatever threatening information is presented to them is often denied or distorted in order to remove the threatening aspect of it.
If you are one of those staying due to traumatic bonds, you have bigger problems than just the affair. These issues will need to be dealt with if the relationship and your own mental health is to be restored.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, emotional bonding, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, traumatic bondingIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
There was an old song that described how for every up there is a down, and for every high there is a low. In relationships there are also these pairings. In relationships where there is a sex addict, there is the counter part known as the sexual co-addict. Although I have mentioned some about the sex addict, the sexual co-addict also has some significant issues that also need mentioning. Although the sex addict is obsessed and acts compulsively regarding sex, the sexual co-addict is often obsessed with the relationship itself. They have often let themselves be used and abused sexually for the sake of keeping the relationship going. They have tolerated a lot of weirdness just for the sake of attention. I suspect that a lot of the swinging situations that I mentioned in a previous post are likely co sex addicts that just go along to keep the relationship going.
When the time comes that you decide to get your marriage healthy, both the addict and the co-addict need help. They will each need to get honest about their issues, behaviors and needs. When things have slid into addiction, the bonding between the two spouses is often more the ‘traumatic bonding’ rather one based on intimacy. In traumatic bonding, the two people are close because they have shared some dangerous situations or situations that are dangerous for them, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. Such a bonding situation is not healthy. If you are the co-addict, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to get help and get healthy.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, marriage, Sexual addiction, sexual co addiction, traumatic bonding, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
