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An aspect of affairs that often leads to hair pulling arguments is “What is the definition of an affair?” The hairsplitting, and nit-picking detail finding that happens in many homes on this question would put a lawyer to shame. Questions arise as to whether to use the legal definition, the dictionary definition, or the Bible definition of an affair. The discussion also focuses on whether to call it adultery, cheating, an affair, an indiscretion, a mistake, a one-night stand, infidelity, or some other term. The argument often includes descriptions of whether an affair is the ‘act’ or the intent. There are also the arguments of whether it was an affair of the body or an affair of the heart.

Although some of the questions and points raised during these discussions are valid, many more are means of avoidance, doing mental gymnastics or trying to pin the SOB/Bitch down on their behavior (even good people often digress to name calling during such intense discussions).

When these discussions arise during my counseling, I often reframe the argument to ‘trust’ and whether or not their was a violation of trust. Whether or not they intended to breach that trust is of little consequence, although they often want a ‘gold star’ because their intentions were not malicious. When there is a ‘breach of trust’ for whatever reason, the couple needs to deal with that breach. Whether the breach consisted of secrets, virtual interactions, or something else, there was a breach that needs to be addressed. The boundaries of the relationship were encroached upon. In some cases, there may not have been an encroachment, but rather a jealous accusation, which itself is a type of encroachment and needs to be addressed.

By focusing on the ‘trust’ issue, and addressing the impact on the relationship the whole sticky definition of an affair becomes a moot point. This is also helpful during the rebuilding of the relationship. Rather than get caught up with definitions, focus on the emotional and relational effects of what occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

cheating, definitions of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, trust, Understanding Affairs

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Although time may heal all wounds, it would be better if you actively seek the salve that would hasten the healing of your wound. The wound that an affair causes is definitely deep enough to cause rift between couples. Sometimes this rift seems irreparable and irreconcilable.

Lost trust does not come back automatically, rather, there should be a conscious effort on both partners to proactively do their best in rebuilding their marriage and restoring the broken trust. In a manner of speaking, broken trust is a lot like a lost dog, which may never come back, unless you actively look for it. If you lost your favorite dog, you would go to a lot of pains just to locate it back.

Wouldn’t you do the same with broken trust?

True, the pain and the hurt may remain in your heart for a while. It is humanly impossible for pain and hurt to disappear overnight. Just like a lost pet that you love dearly, find ways so that you can restore broken trust and rebuild your marriage. Start talking with each other even if you have to endure the pain. True love, after all, is about working things out.

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Trust seems to be a very complex thing. Numerous efforts have been undertaken in order for people to understand trust more effectively. Even if there are hundreds of these theories available in the academe, going through broken trust, especially in the context of marriage is very difficult.

At the first stages of relationship, trust is calculus-based. This means that a person will try to anticipate the behavior of the other person and based on that anticipation and calculation, the person will determine which level of trust will be given to another person.

This calculation and anticipation is also accompanied by rewards or punishments depending on the kind of behavior being anticipated. If the person being trusted shows consistently that he is trustworthy, then trust will be enhanced and the relationship will progress and will become better.

In a manner of speaking, this kind of trust is based on a cost and benefits analysis. If the benefits outweigh the costs, then trust will more likely be given.

If your marriage has been rocked by a recent bout of an affair, then your relationship with your spouse will be based on a calculus-based kind of trust. If you were to rebuild your trust with your spouse, you both need to work things out so that you will be able to go beyond this kind of trust and enhance your relationship.

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There are different factors that influence your capacity to trust other people, including your spouse. Social scientists have explored these factors and they found out that if these factors were shown by another person, trust will be granted to him more. Understanding these factors can also greatly enhance the process of rebuilding your trust on your spouse who has gone through an affair.

It matters that the person being trusted has the ability to deliver his promises. No matter how many dialogues you go through, no matter how many activities you do together, and no matter how you assure each other that everything will be alright, without the ability to trust, these will all be senseless.

You should also check the integrity of your spouse. Integrity is largely based upon past actions being completed or delivered. With an affair, integrity has been tarnished but if your spouse who went through an affair is willing to work it out, then such integrity will help build trust between you and your spouse.

You and your spouse should also display benevolence, which refers to your care and concern for each other. When both of you display affection and care, the process of rebuilding your trust will proceed at a much faster rate.

When these factors are enhanced between you and your spouse, you will be able to see results and your marriage will move towards reconciliation and healing.

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Love is always mentioned in pop love songs, in movies, in novels and short stories as well as in the lives of the people around us. Yet, it seems that for some people, love does not last long. Without a healthy level of trust, romance will not flourish and doubts and problems will arise.

If you have recently survived an affair, you need to deal with your hurt. The good thing, however, is that you can decide for yourself to go beyond what you have gone through. You should have a deep talk with your partner and assess how you can work things out.

Remember that love does not grow very easily; you should be able to make sacrifices. If you make sacrifices, however, you also expect the same thing from your partner. Unconditional love rarely exists in this world and your partner should also display the same level of commitment in rebuilding your marriage. Without this level of commitment, your marriage would not be rebuilt.

Trust is always necessary in ensuring that your marriage will once again become better. Rebuilding your trust is also anchored in the romance that you both enjoy. When you cultivate the love between you and your spouse, you can be sure to take the road to healing on a faster route. Go out on dates again and live a life of love. Before long, you will be able to feel the love and the trust between you returning.

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, relationship, trust, Understanding Affairs

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Trust is a decision. It does not occur automatically or by instinct. Remember the first time you trusted your partner? What did it take? Probably, your love enabled you to trust your partner. Yet, deep within yourself, trust is a major decision in your life.

With this love, you felt like you can achieve anything and you can easily deal with your partner. As you fell deeper in love, you became even more attached and felt a deeper level of trust with each other.

You might have been shocked when you learned about the affair that rocked your marriage. For a time, you could not think clearly and you felt like you can no longer trust your partner.

Love cannot be easily forgotten. If you and your partner are willing to work it out, why don’t you work on your marriage and rebuild your trust with each other? It is not easy to do that but it is a decision. With such a decision, you can hold on to your love and your partner can also start earning your trust again. The process may be difficult and may take some time, yet, if you decide to trust again, everything else will follow if you would work things out. 

affair, cheating, infidelity, relationships, trust, Understanding Affairs

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