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One of the recent commercials from the superbowl dealt with cheating. The commercial took a humorous angle on a topic that impacts too many homes around the world. The commercial acknowledges the role in jealousy in cheating. It also acknowledges how the third party often feels that they have done nothing wrong. The lover is often oblivious to what has been occurring (often, but not always). In another move which hits too close to many homes, was the accusation of the lover being a ‘milkaholic’. On one hand, issues of poor self-control often occur together. It is not unusual to find gambling, addictions and other self-control issues going hand in hand. Recall that even day trading has been used to cover gambling issues with a respectable veneer. Another truism present in the commercial is the accusations thrown at the lover. She is called a ‘milkaholic’, even though the boyfriend is the one being disloyal, possibly lying about his activities and not acknowledging his cheating behaviors.
I found myself laughing at the commercial, although in the back of my mind, I wondered is this life imitating fiction or fiction imitating life.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
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As the year of 2009 nears its end, I wanted to share what were the top 10 most popular posts of the past year, based on daily traffic numbers.
1. The Sexing up of Popular Culture-June
2. Punish Me!-April
3&4. The Tyranny of Consenting Adults-July
5. Temptations are all around us-April
6. The Dark Side of Swinging
7. “Is there any hope for my marriage?”
8. Accusations of Adultery=Flogging
9. The Two Affairs
10. “Do you really want to save your marriage?”
In terms of the top posts carried by other media outlets;
1. Affairs have consequences
2. The two affairs
3. Hurt people hurt people
4. Recovery in a small town
5. Cheating in a small town
6. Canadians and Infidelity
7. Priorities
8. The two affairs
9. Tools for relationships?
10. Having an affair with the church
It is my hope that all of you take the steps to strengthen your marriages in the upcoming year.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Although Christmas time is often associated with joy, in dysfunctional families, the holidays often bring out the worst in their dysfunctioning. When the dysfunction comes out, there are often arguments, fights, threats, suicidal thoughts, binge drug/alcohol abuse and other problem behaviors. When those who grew up in such circumstances are faced with the pain of expectations and bad holiday memories, they often find some way to escape the pain. One of the ways of escaping that pain is with affairs. Although they view the affair as a way of coping with events in their lives, when news of the affair gets out, there is often even more dysfunction as families struggle in their attempt at coming to grips with the pain and what is happening in front of them. Affairs are often painful for couples and the holidays amplify pain to intense levels.
People often poke fun of Dicken’s character Scrooge who responds to Christmas with “Bah-Humbug!”. What they don’t know is that for those growing up in dysfunctional families, Christmas brings with it unpleasant memories, pain and misery. For those people, responding with “Humbug!” is one of their ways of coping with and avoiding the pain. In the case of some adults, the modern way of expressing their humbug reaction is to have an affair as a way to escape the painful memories and desperation. In such cases, it is not about an attack on Christmas, but rather an attack on the pain from their past (or present). It is not a healthy way of coping by any means. When people are hurting and are desperate, they often try to find solace via relationships and sex. With the higher emotional aspects of the holidays, there is a higher risk of affairs being used to cope with the pain.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Excuses are excuses no matter how they are packaged. It is amazing how those bent on adultery find creative and innovative excuses for their actions. The damage done in ‘the name of love’ is extensive. The excuse “but we love each other” is often used to excuse and condone destructive behaviors. Spouses have left their marriages along with their children citing that “we love each other”. In such cases, I often wonder if they are confusing love with arousal. They may find their new lover fun, exciting and stimulating, but that is not love.
On the flip side, those spouses who have been abandoned in the name of love often lash out at the new lover/play toy with hatred and contempt. Often times, the hatred spills over from a hatred of what was done to a hatred of the people themselves. Although there is good reason to be upset, lashing out at the lover does not address the issue of what was missing in their marriage. If the spouse is ‘looking for love’, it is a good indication that something was missing in their own marriage. Understanding what the spouse was looking for and finding a better way of meeting that need would be a better response that immediately lashing out. When the spouse realizes that the flip side of “but we love each other” is actually saying “I don’t feel loved at home” or “I don’t feel valued and important to my spouse”. Learning how to listen to what is said along with what is not said is often crucial in turning the marriage around.
For more insights on turning relationships around, investigate the “Affair Recovery System” and find out what you can do.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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The time of year associated with Halloween is connected with threats and tricks. The public often visit haunted houses and events that produce sensations of fear or surprise. There are times that those frightened scream and run off. Fear, fright, and surprise are part of the package that goes with Halloween. Sadly, there are some couples and families who live those experiences day in and day out. Threats and fear are used to ‘keep people in line’ and maintain order in the family. In such families, love is a frightening thing. To trust is to make oneself vulnerable to guaranteed hurts or exploitation.
In such families, the fear often produces effects beyond what was expected. Rather than scaring the person into staying ‘in relationship’, it can have the opposite effect. The fear can drive them to seek comfort and love in the arms of another. In such families, the threat of divorce or physical hurt are common. After a while the threats loose their effectiveness. The terrorist then resorts to threatening them with community embarrassment or eternal damnation if they do not submit to their fearful ways. When fear dominates the relationship, there is often no room for love. What love survives, is often choked out by the repeated tantrums and threats. Each threat or scream crushes the love in the relationship a little bit more, until one day, there is nothing left. These relationships I call “Halloween Love”, since fear has been substituted for love and terror substituted for affection.
This Halloween shouldn’t you re-evaluate your relationship and remove any Halloween Love?
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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When in comes to dealing with affairs, the public and family do not react the same to all types of affairs. When affairs occur in reaction to ’severe’ abuse or neglect, there is often more acceptance of what happened than when they occur in other circumstances. Another type of affair that is often viewed as ‘understandable’ are those based on survival. In many ways, the neglect/abuse affairs are also driven by survival as well.
Survival also takes in account when people find themselves engaging in an affair for the survival of themselves or their family. People in such situations often feel desperate and their choices limited. The forced marriages that victims were coerced to be a part of in the crack down on Iranian dissidents woudl fall into this type of situation. There may also be blackmail or some other threat hanging over people’s heads. In such situations, it is often understood that people did what they had to do. Choice was not seen as an option.
When affairs are driven by ’social affiliation’ there is great disapproval. Such affairs are when someone has an affair to ‘be seen’ or to ‘fit in’. In such circumstances, the affair and those participating are often seen as either ’sluts’ or players. The disapproval of social affairs often continues long after the affair occurred. Those involved are often seen as having made ‘bad choices’.
In both the survival affair and the social affiliation affair, the partners cheated. The big differences concern circumstances, motives and choices available at the time. Each situation remains an affair, but the healing process afterward are very different. Those in survival affairs often recover sooner than those whose affair was more about social affiliation.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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In assembling material for another book on dealing with affairs, I have come across some thought provoking observations. One is that there is often a greater emphasis on understanding whether or not an affair is taking place than on ways of coping with the affair. There are plenty of top 10 signs that your spouse is cheating, but there are few top 10 signs of How to cope with affairs. There are even fewer top 10 lists of How to know when the affair is over, or the top 10 signs that your marriage is healing after an affair.
In terms of what to make of it, I am not sure. I suspect that many people want to know about whether or not an affair is occurring, yet they do not always want to recover from the affair. People also do not want information on how to break up affairs either, which puzzles me. It seems to me that people should be interested in signs that the affair is over, which is something I would be interested in.
I will share more of the observations and discoveries along the way as I assemble the material for what promises to be a fascinating book dealing the the most common concerns about affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Previous generations often used the term “Shame! Shame!” or “Shame on you!” as a way to confront some behaviors. On hearing those comments, the receiver was doused with emotional remorse. Unfortunately, the overuse of the term shame lent itself to confusion with guilt. The confusion of shame and guilt is where we need to start. In order to have ‘true’ guilt, there had to be a wrong doing or a violation of a law or person. If there has been no wrong, then there will be no guilt. Separating out shame and guilt is important, because each requires different solutions. In the case of guilt, accept responsibility for what was done, admit what was done and then take steps to repair the damage that was done.
In the case of shame, an attempt is being made to cast negative associations on a person. In most cases, the negative association arises due to being associated with someone who actually did a wrong. With affairs, your spouse may have done the wrong, but the resolute spouse often has to deal with the shame. Although it is not ‘fair’ that the party who did no wrong has to endure painful emotions or negative associations with the affair, that is part of the damage inflicted by an affair. Defending oneself will only make you look guilty. When you are struggling with affair related shame, it is important to not succumb to the temptation to argue or defend. Do what is right concerning your treatment of others and your spouse. Taking such a course is often unpleasant, but necessary if reconcilliation is your goal. If you are wanting to end the marriage or inflict pain, or stay in the midst of negative feelings, then you can defend, argue, condemn, attack and run down people all you like. Taking that course will often turn the tables to where the adulterer looks like the innocent party becasue “who could live with someone like you?”
These are not easy options, by any means.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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When a cheater/adulterer/infidel are doing their thing, there are often many signs and indications of an affair. Many of these signs are disregarded or ignored by their spouse. The truth is out there, for those who are willing to look for it. One place that there are often signs and indications is the automobile. Below is a list of signs to look for.
1. The car smells different.
2. Your spouse is locking the car more often.
3. Your spouse leaves their phone or blackberry in the car at night.
4. You often have to re-adjust the seats on entering the passenger seat.
5. There are hairs on the seat that are not yours.
6. Is your spouse washing the car more often?
7. Is your spouse cleaning and detailing the car more than they used to?
8. Are there increased gas or toll receipts?
9. Strange or unexplained stains in the car?
10. Is your spouse hiding things in the trunk or glovebox? Do they become defensive when you look in those places?
These are some of the signs to look for in the car that are associated with affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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Having an affair is taking a risk. In many ways it is akin to gambling, where part of the thrill is the danger of the risk itself. Like gambling, it can become addictive as well. When a person experiences the rush of adrenalin associated with an affair, it is difficult to go back to routine and dull compared to what they have gone through.
If your spouse is a gambler, chances are they have taken changes with their financies as well as their marriage. If you are hoping for big bucks in a divorce settlement, you may want to think twice. If they gamble at one, they have taken risk and are likely on the edge of credit as well. Those with solid, conservative wealth, are more likely to protect their wealth and not take risks. Having an affair is taking an unnecessary risk. They are putting their marriage and finances at risk. The money conscious types will not want to expose themselves like that.
If you sposue is a “living on the edge” type, the likelihood of putting your hands on a large settlement is small. The courts may award it, but that is far from collecting it.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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