Having an affair is taking a risk. In many ways it is akin to gambling, where part of the thrill is the danger of the risk itself. Like gambling, it can become addictive as well. When a person experiences the rush of adrenalin associated with an affair, it is difficult to go back to routine and dull compared to what they have gone through.

If your spouse is a gambler, chances are they have taken changes with their financies as well as their marriage. If you are hoping for big bucks in a divorce settlement, you may want to think twice. If they gamble at one, they have taken risk and are likely on the edge of credit as well. Those with solid, conservative wealth, are more likely to protect their wealth and not take risks. Having an affair is taking an unnecessary risk. They are putting their marriage and finances at risk. The money conscious types will not want to expose themselves like that.

If you sposue is a “living on the edge” type, the likelihood of putting your hands on a large settlement is small. The courts may award it, but that is far from collecting it.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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What to Do After an Affair

Don’t be frantic when you find out your spouse had an affair. It’s time for you to draw upon your strength and stand up for yourself. You have to remain strong. This, however, should not be your reason for not seeking out the help of your closest friends and the members of your family. When dealing with an affair, you have to keep in mind several principles. With these, you can regain your composure much more easily and rebuild your marriage and your family.

Be responsible. If you are the spouse who committed an affair, you have to take responsibility and be accountable. This means that you have to own up to your mistake and work hard in rebuilding your marriage. If you are the victim, then you owe it to yourself to be responsible for the kids and for the whole family. When your spouse asks for forgiveness, then you should also consider their plea. It is more important to be ‘responsible’ than reactive.

Ask for forgiveness. This step is more for the spouse who committed the affair. When you ask for forgiveness, you begin the process of healing and reconciliation. Forgiveness involves accepting responsibility for your part in what happened, admitting the wrongs involved, and beginning the process of making things right.You spouse may challenge the sincerity of your forgiveness if you do it half-heartedly, so it is imperative to be genuine when you seek forgiveness.

Get professional help. If you feel that this event is beneath your personal strength and power, seek professional help. Go get counseling and marriage assistance. This way, you can both look back and understand how you can improve your marriage together.

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One of the scars of having survived the affair is that you become obsessed with the affair. Not long after, you feel that every single woman that your husband talks to is a potential mistress (If you are the husband, you assume each man is a potential paramour). Your view of the world has changed. When your spouses watches movies, you may wonder which person she it ‘turned on’ by. Each time you ask such questions concerning others, a second question is there as well. That second question is “do I turn her on?” The vulnerability to such questions has been a boon to those selling Viagra and Cialis since they often exploit such questions.

 Even without evidence, you feel that your partner is cheating on you. In the first few months after the affair, this is understandable. However, when this goes on a year after the affair, you better check yourself. If your fears and fantasies have continued that long, you have crossed over the line to obsession.

Rather than obsess, you will need to work towards renewing your relationship with your partner. When you are already in control of your emotions, you should talk with each other and explore your unmet needs. When you do this, you become aware of unmet expectations and needs and you can start doing something about them.

Start doing things together. Such activities may be as simple as shopping, buying things together, and planning things for the kids. In this way, you can become less independent from each other and more dependent. When you start depending on each other, you then start drawing upon the strength of each other. You will then start connecting emotionally again. This way, your love for each other will grow again.  

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Some spouses actively seek their partner’s permission for an affair. Although some ask directly, others hold onto comments made in anger or frustration as verbal approval for their disloyalty. The catch is that once this cat is out of the bag, it is difficult to ever put it back. Once the boundaries of the marriage are broken, they are hard to re-establish. When a relationship rests solely on emotional commitment and loyalty without physical and spiritual commitment, the foundation of the relationship is damaged.

The other problem associated with permission affairs is the one dealing with conscience. If it was acceptable, why did you need permission in the first place? When you are disloyal, there is the accompanying guilt and remorse. I recognize that some people do not have the remorse, or remorseful feelings. Most people do and when they engage in behavior that is not acceptable, they often attempt to rationalize it. This is often done through a strange twisting of religion, sociology, philosophy and any other academic field that they can bend into supporting that adultery is an accepted behavior. Adultery is still disloyalty. Although some may claim that people were never made to be monogamous, emotional reality opposes that idea.

You can make agreements with your spouse that many kinds of behavior are acceptable and in turn use that agreement to silence your conscience, but that will still not make it right.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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As children, when we were ill, it was common that our mothers often gave us some awful tasting medicine. Although you hated the taste, it helped with the healing process. In a similar manner, there are things that have to be realized in dealing with affairs. On another site, where I have several pages dealing with affairs, a reader asked, “What is the medicine, however bitter, that we have to swallow to effect healing?”

That question led me to consider the matter. The answer, when dealing with affairs is often taking an honest look at how oneself contributed to the situation either directly or indirectly. Many people either do not want to look or cannot honestly look at the role they played in the situation. Anxiety and guilt often keep people from taking that honest look at themselves. When in pain, it is easier to focus on others and assume a position of self-pity rather than to take that honest look.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Going through an affair and surviving it is a lot like having your house blown by tornado. It is very difficult to rebuild, it is very difficult to know where to stay and how to pick up the pieces again. In this regard, you cannot go through it just by yourself.

There are people who have gone through an affair and try to rebuild their lives by getting a divorce; getting depressed or even becoming dependent on substance and other addictive activities. This is not the way to rebuild your life!

Rebuilding your life is done by rebuilding your trust with your spouse. You need to take the bricks of time and forgiveness and cement it with commitment and a willingness to work things out. When you affirm your commitment and your love with each other, nothing would be impossible. In cases where you feel depressed and lost, you can find comfort in love and hope.

Love is just like the building of a home. It might be blown away by different trials and difficulties in life but if you are willing to work it out and remember your love, you can rebuild what has been lost.

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Infidelity has a long history. One area where infidelity frequently occurred is within the royal families. The drama of wives, heads and concubines is one of the hallmarks associated with the reign of Henry VIII of England. Henry VIII was not the first and certainly was not the last of the infidel rulers. The lines of the kings of Scotland and England are filled with many more. Other European monarchies also had their share, with Catherine the Great of Russia being legendary for her affairs. Middle Eastern rulers were known for their harems and activities associated with them. The United States has also had its share of philandering rulers as well. The peccadilloes of LBJ, FDR, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton are now part of American history.

At the time of the affairs, there were many secrets hiding their existence. Some were seen as major secrets. Attempts to hide them were aided by government police and special agents that hid what most adulterers have to do by themselves. At the time, since the episodes were hidden, many think that the damage was done and over with. I beg to differ. The examples set by such rulers suggests that affairs are a privilege of class. Their actions make it appear that once a person is in high office, that the affairs come with the other perks. The recent book, Wolf of Wall Street bears testimony to this practice. There is the assumption that it is money that creates the temptation of infidelity. I beg to differ. There were many leaders who did not succumb to affairs when they had money along with the licentious affairs of those without money or position. Money and power may be the excuse or even the aphrodisiac that lures them, but in reality it is a secondary temptation. Their real goal is the infidelity.

Many of these leaders did not realize they were setting an example for generations to follow. At the time, they only wanted to satisfy their lusts and went to extremes in order to accomplish it. Henry VIII changed the official religion of England in order to satisfy his desires. This is not far from how many infidels change their theology or even their religion in order to accommodate their lustful urges. It seems that they gravitate toward those with high emotionality or numerous rituals. Somehow they are able to run from the guilt when surrounded by the emotionality and ritual. Does your infidelity dictate your choice of religion? Although things should be the other way around, affairs have a way of changing one’s world around.

It is important to rise above the examples set by kings, presidents and caliphs who lived for fleshly lusts, and provide better examples for our spouses and children.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Valentine’s Day is approaching. With it’s approach, many couples begin thinking of love and acknowledging the importance they place on each other. In healthy marriages, it is an enjoyable time of love, flowers and chocolate. The days leading up to Valentine’s is also a time when affairs and infidelity are exposed. Because of the emphasis placed on Valentine’s Day, lovers outside of marriage often want an enjoyable time as well, although it is not rightfully theirs to enjoy. This is the time to be alert for expenses, calls, unaccounted for time, and other indications that an affair is underway. Valentine’s Day is for lovers, both licit and illicit. It can be a high point in a relationship or one filled with the low point of despair.

Valentine’s Day also provides an opportunity to begin making things aright in relationships where things have gone wrong. Because of the expectations associated with the day, spouses will be more sensitive and responsive to attempts to reconcile and renew the relationship.

Valentine’s Day is coming, use it wisely.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Now that 2007 is gone, one can go back and look at what happened.  Infidelity expert Ruth Houston who is out of New York, posted her top 10 infidelity stories of 2007. I found her list interesting, but my own list has some differences.

1. Gerald Ford’s posthumous biography addressed the Clinton adultery matter and Ford’s reaction to it. Hearing a presidential reaction to the infidelity was a new angle.

2. President Sarkozy’s wife having a affairs was a major event in the world for 2007.

3. Pinellas County Sheriff’s department taking a strong stand against adultery among its officers.

4. The revelation that ecologically, it is more damaging for couples to split up rather than stay together.

5. The story about the use of EZ Pass on the tollways to catch an infidel.

6. Jessica Alba’s remark that just because you sleep with them does not make you a slut.

7. The study released that affairs are bad for your mental health.

8. The Astronaut affair (I agree with Ruth Houston on this one).

9. The book Wall Street Wolf addressed the topic of sexual addiction and its role in affairs.

10. The controversial billboard  by Fetman, Garland and Associates that advertised, “Life is short, get a divorce”.

There are posts dealing with most of these topics within the blog.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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The Sheriff’s Department of Pinellas County in Florida began a policy in 2005 where they were no longer tolerant of adultery among their employees. Since deputies are supposed to set good examples, the department instituted a policy of discouraging adultery among its employees. The office not only talks tough, they enforce their policy. Recently, when an employee was found guilty of such behavior, they were suspended for their actions.

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