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When couples begin the work involved of restoring their relationship, there are often hurdles that must be overcome. Just being able to rationally discuss what happened is one of the early obstacles. Once that is covered, then tackling issues concerning forgiveness can be addresses. These accomplishments are important. It is at the next stage, that the infidels often show the strongest resistance to change. That stage is the work of rebuilding trust. When the trust issues are dealt with and effort is made to restore them, that means that there is no ‘wiggle room’ for the infidel and they know that. Do not be surprised when they show resistance to rebuilding the trust. They may even sabotage the efforts at doing so.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affairs, cheating, infidelity, marriage counseling, rebuilding trust, UncategorizedIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Traumas are often associated with sexual addictions. These traumas could have occurred in early life or in their adult life. Traumas could be physical, emotional or spiritual in origin. Despite the various sources of trauma, the effects are similar.
In physical traumas, in some cases, where there is organic brain damage, there are some difficulties in controlling the drives in their life. If they had a trauma and have shown problems regulating emotional extremes (anger, sex, eating, etc.) then it would be worth exploring the possibility of the existence of a drive control problem.
With emotional traumas, the person will find some way to reduce the pain. Although they are seeking a way to reduce their tension or anxieties, the method of reducing these feelings may lead to compulsive behaviors. Compulsive behaviors can often hide behind other more acceptable compulsions. In cases where the trauma was extreme, there may be some ‘traumatic bonds’ that developed. The victims of trauma can at times develop an addiction to the fear associated with the trauma. The brain just knows that it needs stimulation. Since they know that fear brings about the stimulation, they often engage in ‘dangerous behavior’ to give them their fear fix. These are cases that need the help of a counselor.
Spiritual trauma can also be a factor. When individuals were raised in rigid homes, there is a greater likelihood of sexual addictions developing, compared with other homes. Among sexual addicts, 77% come from rigid homes.
If you or your spouse have any of these factors in your life and affair situation, you will need to explore the possibility of a sexual addiction underlying the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, infidelity, sexual addiciton, Sexual addiction, trauma, UncategorizedIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In the time after an affair occurs, there is often a lot of discussions and negotiations concerning the marriage. I have often seen couples begin playing a weird variation of poker during this time. What happens is that the resolute spouse makes a request from the infidel. The infidel finally meets the request and then the resolute spouse ‘ups the ante’ or raises the bar concerning what they are seeking from the infidel. This begins a series of raising the stakes regarding the marriage. Such ploys rarely turn out as expected, and both parties usually end up losing.
The remedy to this situation is to be clear concerning what you want. Once you achieve that goal, you have a success. Such a success signals that the two of you have managed to navigate through a problem and have negotiated an resolution. If you want them to apologize, and come clean on what they have done, avoid raising the stakes by adding on additional burdens. Although it is easy trap to fall into, it is best avoided. When you have apology+honesty+restitution+suffering+…… you will likely end up frustrating your spouse and both of you end up losing. Remember that in casinos, it is only the house that wins. In the game that you two are in, the house is often represented by the lawyer. If you want to win rather than the lawyers, stop when you achieve what you are after. Raising the stakes is a sure way to make it a no-win for either of you and the divorce lawyers end up with all the financial resources of the family with little change in the marriage.
As a general rule, if you raise the stakes, you will likely loose.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrha
affair, cheating, divorce lawyer, infidelity, Uncategorized, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
