Although it is the 21st century the morals of some people are primitive. As strange as it sounds, there are some adults who still “don’t get it”. These are the ones who have a tribal/communal moral code. They see nothing wrong with flaunting their love in front of your children, they see nothing wrong with affairs, they see nothing wrong with serial relationships. They are not stupid, they are just primitive.  Although we may ask “How can they think what they are doing is OK?”. There are some people who really do not see anything wrong with such actions. Trying to explain things to them or bring them to some moral awakening is futile.

Being married to someone with such primitive morals is challenging to say the least. Even when you take them to divorce court, it will not “turn on the light” so that they will see the “error of their ways”. They really don’t get it. Trying to wake them up or enlighten them is only going to frustrate you. Such people may have been fun to date, but that animalistic “let’s get it on” mentality does not provide a solid foundation for marriage and family. It also sets the stage for likely infidelities.

Recognize that not everyone has the same moral compass that you do. Not everyone views affairs as wrong. Recognizing this is the first step in dealing with such behavior.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Cell phones have become the number one way of catching infidelity in Britain. I suspect that is the case in the United States as well, although I have not seen the latest numbers on that issue. I was reminded of this when I received an inquiry call from a man who had concerns about his wife’s text messaging with another man. Sending messages to a person of the opposite sex is not a bad thing. It is a part of business. When there is secrecy, defensiveness, texting at odd hours or sending of pornographic/suggestive material , something is up. When boundaries are blurred in these areas, the texting is no longer innocent. These tell tale signs indicate that it is not a “friendship” or “business association”. Some of the tell tale signs include:

1. Texting at odd hours (late at night or early morning)

2. Secrecy regarding who sends the text and what it says

3. When your spouse keeps their phone password protected

4. When your spouse is secretive regarding the phone bill and how many text messages were sent. They may also be secretive about who the text messages were from.

5. When the texting goes on for an extended period of time.

6. Texting in a strange or coded manner.

7. When pornographic or suggestive material is sent or received.

8.  When the caller/texter refuses to tell you who they are.

Be on the lookout for these or other tell tale signs indicating that something is not right. Early intervention can mean that you keep your marriage intact.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Affairs often involve a lack of self control. People give into urges or fantasies that they have been keeping active in their minds. The whole affair situation worsens when a spouse attempts diminishing what happened with the excuse that they were drunk (or stoned). Such an admission suggests that there are substance abuse problems in addition to the poor self control related to the affair. Disorders of self control often happen in combination like that. One self control problem has a way of spilling over into another area of their lives. If you or your spouse has such multiple self-control problems, (over eating, purging, gambling addictions, drug addictions, drinking problems, spending addictions, etc.) you need professional help. Many people make the mistake of saying they are getting better when all they are doing is switching the self-control problem from one area of their lives to another.

The only exception I have seen regarding the self-control issue (where the person acts out their fantasy or urge) is related to affairs involving sexual addicitions, although that in itself is a self-control disorder as well. Some sexual addicts have affairs due to being driven to do so. It is almost as if their brain goes on automatic pilot and they are then driven to act out.

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Although high drama showdowns make for entertainment at the movies, such episodes are not good for relationships. Even though we want a one time episode to “get it all out”, life does not work that way. If you are expecting to ‘fix’ everything with one meeting or one talk with your spouse, it is unlikely to occur. Wounds, including the emotional ones take time to heal. In taking time to heal, it also takes time for the feelings to emerge, and the issues to become clear.

If you plan on having a big showdown, especially in public, you need to change your plan. Showdowns in public places are a form of manipulation. When you are wanting forgiveness, you want the genuine article, not something coerced out of someone due to manipulaiton. The big showdown may provide an emotional release and provide an audience, but it does little to resolve the issues concerning the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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When a husband or wife leaves the home, it is never a good sign. Leaving the home is often a signal that there are serious problems and that the relationship as you knew it is over. When a husband leaves the home, there is often more hope for the relationship than when the wife leaves the home. In both cases, the amount of hope is small. The leaving from the home often occurs on an emotional level before it happens physically. The time to take action is when your spouse begins pulling away. There is more hope of making changes then as compared with when they have already left the home.

A factor to consider is the family history of this happening. If they come from a long line of such behavior the hopes of working through things is smaller. If they have a history of serial relationships, it is unlikely that they will come back. The time to take action is when they begin pulling away. After they have made the choice to leave, they are often less responsive to repairing the marriage. It does not automatically mean that everything is over. It does mean that you will need to do more than just going through the motions. You will need to make some major improvements. If the bonding is still intact, you can, with effort make some of the necessary changes. If the bonding has been ruptured, then hope is dim. When they tell you “Good-by my lover” and the bonds are broken, you have some major problems. Anytime there is an affair, the affair itself is looking to meet needs outside of the marriage. The affair is testimony to your spouse pulling away emotionally. You need to take action now, rather than assume that time alone will heal all the wounds.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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 Although it is offered as an excuse, the saying “Affairs just happen” is a misnomer. Many times the couple has communication or intimacy problems, and the opportunity arises for things to happen. Another scenario is when a partners uses drugs or alcohol. In such cases, the drug or alcohol abuse had been going on prior to the affair. The user can be impulsive, but the problem with self-control began before the temptation for an affair came alone.

Using the phrase “Affair just happen” is a convenient way to excuse what occurred and avoid looking at what was behind it. The stage for an affair is often long before it occurs. Taking a look at what led up often requires painful self-exploration. The affair is often someone’s solution to problem. The key quesition is what is the real problem or the underlying problem? If your spouse has given you the “It just happened” story, consider what is behind it. Take a look at what did the affair ‘fix’ or attempt to ‘fix’. What did the affair provide that was not there previously? Dealing with that quesiton will yeild more usefull material than trying to understand what happened that night or what you spouse did. It will help you understand what they were looking for, what made them vulnerable, what set the stage for things to happen.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Automobiles often have lights on the dashboard that alert you to malfunctions going on with the vehicle. These lights are often termed “idiot lights” by those who work on cars. The lights often go on when things are ‘bad’. Had the early warning signs been attended to, the problem would have been fixed before it became a major repair.

Likewise, relationships have signals that let people know when there are problems. Ignoring these signals can lead to major problems. Some people are very blind to signals that indicate there is ‘trouble’. What are some of these signals?

1. Your spouse increases the physical distance from you on a regular basis.

2. Your spouse is very secretive about how they spend their mone.

3. Your spouse maintains a seperate banking account.

4. Your spouse has bills mailed to the office, rather than the home.

5. Your spouse keeps a spare set of clothes in their vehicle.

6. Your spouse is secretive about their cell phone.

7. Your spouse maintains strict vigilance regarding computer access to their passwords and e-mail accounts.

8. Your spouse is always texting or e-mailing people.

9. Your spouse is suddenly interested in getting fit when there has not been a health crisis.

10. Your spouse changes their cologne or the way they wear their hair for some unexplained reason.

11. Your spouse violates limits with persons of the opposite sex, and dismisses it as ‘nothing’.

12. Your spouse claims that you are imaging things.

This is only a partial list. If one or two items show up, it may be nothing major. If you have three or more of these—RED ALERT! You need to take immediate action.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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This is one of the more difficult questions that arise in the course of dealing with affairs. This question is one that challenges your commitment to your spouse, your values and yourself. Many people look for a skeleton key that unlocks all the locks and answers all the questions. There is no one size fits all answer to this kind of question, other than is you safety in danger. If you are in danger physically, emotionally or spiritually, you will need to go and go quickly. Although that should be a common sense response, with many people, the intensity of the bonding with their spouse makes it difficult to even know when they are in danger.

You will need to be honest about what constitutes a ‘real’ threat. There have been many counselors and lawyers who have exloited people in this area. You will need to be honest with yourself about the level of the threat. If you can not tell a real threat from a possible one, there are other questions you need to be considering.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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When it comes to affairs, there is often a great deal of debate about what actions constitute and affair. Discussions about that are often heated. Another area needing attention is where do you draw the line in terms of how much you are willing to put up with? Knowing this will help you know at what point you will take action. When you do not have a clear line drawn, youmay find yourself fudging and compromising your values away.

Since affairs are very messy and entangling, it is essential to set boundaries and draw lines. When you are ready to get yourself out of the swampy mess, decide where you draw the line. You need to have a clear idea of when ‘enough is enough’. You need to first tell yourself where you draw your line. Once that is established, then you will need to let your spouse know what your line is. They need to know 1. That there are limits as to what you will accept, 2. That you will not allow those limits to be violated. When there are no limits, the chaos tends to spread and engulf anything it comes in contact with.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Some spouses deny that their actions were improper. They dismiss it with, “I did nothing wrong” or “Nothing happened”.  All that such statements are communicating is that they did not get laid. Such statements are often made to minimize what they did or to calm down the resolute spouse. When such statements are made, they often leave the resolute spouse feeling like they are going crazy. Since their emotions have been dismissed or ignored altogether.

When your eyes, ears and gut say that something happeded and then your spouse says “nothing happened” it is enough to make anyone feel crazy. In such situations, the spouse is attempting to make you doubt your own experiences. You know what you saw, felt or heard and now your spouse is saying that you were imagining it. This distortion of reality is enough to make anyone ‘feel’ like they are loosing it. When a spouse dismisses events, like this, it amounts to them sending a message that the spouse’s reality and feelings are not important. Only the adulterers reality is what matters. Their reality is the only reality.

It is important that if you find yourself in such a situation that you tell yourself the truth and that you believe your truth. Do not let an adulterer take your truth from you.  Even in situations where you are jumping the gun or making assumptions, your emotions are still important. Your emotions are telling you that something is not right and needs to be addressed.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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