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Like peanut butter and jelly, affairs and gossip often go hand in hand. The danger with gossip is that in situations where an affair did not happen, gossip can make it appear as if there was one. Gossip can create an affair out of thin air. It can create a compromising situation where none existed before.

On hearing news of an affair, it is important to consider the source and what was actually said. One of the things that leads to gossip (besides jealousy) is poor listening. When people do not listen closely, they do not hear what is being said clearly. The message that was only half-heard is then ’shared’ with others, leading to mis-communication. As simple as it sounds, just listening to what the facts are and what actually was said often helps. Rather than jump to conclusions or using words with double-meanings, listen to what was actually said and CONSIDER the source. Oftentimes the person who is the source of the material has issues. Those issues will need to be considered in the context of the gossip. Consider “What reason would they have to tell me this?” , “How do they benefit from this?”, “Do they have a reputation for telling the truth?”, “Have they spread rumors before?”

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affairs and gossip, cheating and gossip, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs

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Blackmail in its various forms is often found in association with affairs. Those who know what is truly going on often use that information to gain control or leverage over the target person or persons. Blackmail in many ways is a manipulative mind game in that the target person is never really free. They operate under the assumption that one day, once everything is paid, they will be free. The problem is that the debt is never paid. New excuses and new information are always being uncovered.

A classic con-game is for a female to lure an unsuspecting male to her home. While they are involved, the husband arrives and makes threats. In order to appease the husband and make things go away, money is paid. What the target (or patsy) did not realize is that the whole thing was a set up from the beginning. When sex comes too easy, it is often a set up undertaken in order to gain leverage on the target. The espionage community is very well aware of how sex is often a tool used to manipulate people.

In order to avoid those ‘unpleasant’ situations that can lead to blackmail, avoid ‘easy’ sexual situations. If it looks too easy, it probably is. The easy sex is the bait. Learn to recognize such traps and avoid them.

In order to escape from blackmail, run toward your fears rather than away from them. Be willing to face the truth and its consequences. The truth can be dealt with a lot easier than the lies. Blackmail never ends, so the only way to escape it is to face your fears and the truth.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

blackmail and affairs, con games and affairs, easy affairs, sexual blackmail, Understanding Affairs

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If sex is just sex, then why is it worse to have carnal relations in one’s home compared to a hotel? If one assumes that sex is just sex, then where it occurs makes little difference. The reality is that it does make a difference. Although many infidels do not openly respect the institution of marriage, they are aware of the sacredness of the marriage bed. The bedroom is a sacred place, and as such, should also be a place of safety and comfort. When the affair comes to the marriage bed, it poses a serious threat to the marriage. Having carnal relations in the marriage bed also makes the lover more aware of their ‘homewrecking ‘ status. They truly are a part of the home wrecking team. The lover often carries the label, even though the infidel had the greater role in the defilement of the marriage bed.

It does make a difference where one has carnal relations. When they occur in the marriage bed, the relationship is in trouble. Once matters get to that point, there is no respect of boundaries and institutions. Those engaging in such acts have turned so reprobate, there is little chance of turning things around. When an infidel sleeps in the marriage bed, it sends a STRONG message of rejection to their spouse. Much like a dog marking its territory, the defilement of the bed marks the territory of the infidel. In this case, the act states that ‘nothing’ is sacred. It turns the status of wife or husband into that of the slut or the cuckold. With that status, the relationship is no longer sacred, but rather animalistic sex. It becomes sex without love or caring. It is merely a biological process.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D Murrah

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A truism regarding affairs is that no one, I repeat NO ONE is smart enough to be able to cover all their tracks. In a small town, it is exceptionally difficult. People recognize you driving through town, in the local eateries, at the local hotels. Not only do you encounter these people during the affair, you run into them at the church, grocery store, hardware store or post office during the regular weekday. They have seen you in action and now you have to see them in other settings. In the big city, much can be covered with a smile and polite nod, yet in small towns, you often find yourself in conversation with those people, and having to face them eye to eye. In the event you are not dealing directly with the people who saw you, since people talk, their associates likely know who you are and what you have been doing.

You may be able to hide the affair itself, but you will not be able to hide the tracks of where you went, who you were with, etc. Hiding your lover from your spouse is one thing, but hiding all your tracks is not so easily accomplished. On the internet, one can resort to track erasing software. Such software is not so readily available in real life.

Even you or your lover will have to visit their physician. Sexual activity will tell on you at the doctor’s office. There will be tell tale signs of what has been going on. Even when you keep those signs hidden, then you have to deal with the psychosomatic symptoms which develop from keeping those things hidden.

Be careful where you go, for there will always be tracks.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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In posing the question, as to whether a person is vulnerable to infidelity, the short answer is “yes!“. In many ways, everyone is a potential infidel. No one is immune from an affair. The longer and more detailed answer also provides some insights. There are some common attributes that increase the susceptibility of one toward having an affair. These items include:

1. Lack of self-confidence

2. Has unment emotional needs.

3. Has a desire or need to be in control.

4. Has been disappointed with intimate relationships.

5. Feels hopeless.

6. Is tired (physically, emotionally or spiritually)

7. Is in pain (physically, emotionally or spiritually)

8. Lives an ‘overextended’, overcommitted or stretched lifestyle.

9. Has an addictive personality, that always needs or craves stimulation.

10. Often fantasizes about affairs.

These are 10 of the qualities which make a person more vulnerable to affairs. There are more factors, yet these ten communicate the basic ideas.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

10 signs of vulnerability to affairs, control issues and affairs, emotinoal needs and affairs, neediness and affairs, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs

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The sensation that often accompanies the discovery of an affair is that of loss. The loss is often intense and deep. Many liken it to feeling like they have fallen in a hole. The more they think about the affair and what they lost, the deeper they fall into the hole. The hole turns into a pit or abyss when we quit seeing light at the top. When one has fallen in so deep there is no light. The light at the top is one of the signs of hope. When the light is no longer visible, we feel there is no hope.

So how does one get out of the pit?

First, quit falling into it, by focusing on loss and disappointment.  Such sentiments are good for a pity party, but that quickly gets boring since no one else really wants to hear about out misery.

Second, learn to change one’s thinking. The thoughts we feed our mind with are the programming for our brain. When the programming keeps turning out rotten data, the problem is not the data, the problem is the programming. Change the programming.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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It never ceases to amaze me at the lengths some people go in order to rationalize their affairs. About the time I think that I have heard it all, there is some new twist on the subject. King Solomon is often credited with writing “There is nothing new under the sun”. On this one he was right. There is no new way of packaging it that removes the damage done to relationships, trust and families. One of the latest repackaging of old self centered gratifications is a book entitled”The Ethical Slut“. I could not even make up the absurd ideas that are conveyed in this volume. The book claims to promote ‘polyamory’.

‘Polyamory’ appears to be the new politically correct term for ’slut’ . In previous generations the woman that was willing to be with ‘anybody’ and ‘everybody’ was shunned by the community for many reasons. She was not spreading free love and self expression, it was more about corrupting morals, spreading disease and ruining the neighborhood. Although such persons sincerely believe they are doing nothing wrong, they do not see the damaged lives in their wake, nor do they see the impact in makes on communities and the generations that come after them. Sleeping around provides short sighted and selfish solutions to marital problems. It will get your mind off of things, but it does not ’solve’ or fix anything. If it does accomplish something, it permanently damages the fabric of your marriage, your family, your values and your children’s families. With some people, values mean little. Self-gratification and pragmatism means more than a clean conscience and good reputation.

A slut is still a slut, no matter how you dress them up (and yes, there are male sluts as well).

If you are struggling with the aftermath of an affair, you need to know what you are up against and take action.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Affairs come in many shapes and sizes. Since they do come in many forms, it is often difficult to make blanket statements that apply to all affairs. Although many times, the picture is that some seducer or seductress lured one’s spouse away is a romantic notion, it is not always the case. In some cases, the innocent party in the affair may actually be the lover. Although spouses always want to assume that their husband or wife is ‘innocent’, the reality may be that they were the seducer. Their spouse could have lied about their marital status and led an innocent party astray.

The leading astray of an innocent third party is not a pleasant picture to consider, yet it does happen. The picture becomes tragic when the lover also has children. When they are a parent and led astray, that choice of the relationship touches many more lives than imagined.

I mention the ‘innocent lover’ as something to consider when sorting through an affair. The claims that the lover makes that they are innocent and that they are the injured party may be correct. If your spouse has a history of lying, deceit or of leading a double life, it may very well be that that pattern occurred again. The problem may not be people seducing your spouse, it could be that your spouse is seducing others. Knowing what the source of the problem is becomes crucial when deciding what to do about the situation.

For more information on how to deal with an affair and its aftermath are found in my e-book on the subject.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

affair dynamics, cheaters, infidelity, lovers, Understanding Affairs

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An aspect of affairs that often leads to hair pulling arguments is “What is the definition of an affair?” The hairsplitting, and nit-picking detail finding that happens in many homes on this question would put a lawyer to shame. Questions arise as to whether to use the legal definition, the dictionary definition, or the Bible definition of an affair. The discussion also focuses on whether to call it adultery, cheating, an affair, an indiscretion, a mistake, a one-night stand, infidelity, or some other term. The argument often includes descriptions of whether an affair is the ‘act’ or the intent. There are also the arguments of whether it was an affair of the body or an affair of the heart.

Although some of the questions and points raised during these discussions are valid, many more are means of avoidance, doing mental gymnastics or trying to pin the SOB/Bitch down on their behavior (even good people often digress to name calling during such intense discussions).

When these discussions arise during my counseling, I often reframe the argument to ‘trust’ and whether or not their was a violation of trust. Whether or not they intended to breach that trust is of little consequence, although they often want a ‘gold star’ because their intentions were not malicious. When there is a ‘breach of trust’ for whatever reason, the couple needs to deal with that breach. Whether the breach consisted of secrets, virtual interactions, or something else, there was a breach that needs to be addressed. The boundaries of the relationship were encroached upon. In some cases, there may not have been an encroachment, but rather a jealous accusation, which itself is a type of encroachment and needs to be addressed.

By focusing on the ‘trust’ issue, and addressing the impact on the relationship the whole sticky definition of an affair becomes a moot point. This is also helpful during the rebuilding of the relationship. Rather than get caught up with definitions, focus on the emotional and relational effects of what occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

cheating, definitions of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, trust, Understanding Affairs

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In dealing with an affair, there will be times that you are attacked on a personal level. Since the very nature of an affair disrupts people on a personal level, they often say and do things that irritate others on a personal level as well. At times, the things they say are intentional and at other times, the statements are made without the intent to hurt. Even though they were not designed to hurt, since the speaker themselves is hurting on a personal level, the message will often be sent in such a manner as to communicate the deep intense hurt they feel. These messages are often sent in a manner that also irritates and disturbs us on a deep level.

What this amounts to is that there are times that the real message is in HOW they communicated their message to you. The spoken words are only a portion of the whole  message communicated. Learning how to listen to the words and the message behind the words (i.e. HOW the message was communicated) is made more difficult during an affair, since the resolute spouse is often hurting as well. Attempts at communication often turns into an action-reaction, attack-attack back, You-hurt-me-so-I-will-hurt-you type of interaction. Learning how to disengage from such cycles of pain and hurt is difficult, but doable. It is important to listen to your spouse, both what they say and how they say it along with  ‘not taking the message personally’.  During this time, hurtful things are often said that are designed to push people away.

It would be nice if people could talk things out and fight fair. When the hurts are deep and emotional needs are in play, the fights become emotional volcanoes. They are often driven more by passion than logic. Recognize that this is part of what occurs in the aftermath of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

fighting after infidelity, fighting after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, talking about your cheating, talking to your spouse about the affair, Understanding Affairs

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