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Since affairs hurt people at a very personal level, the risk of revenge is extremely high. One of the major dangers is that there are often more people that want revenge than the infidel can keep track of. The offended spouse, the lover, the lover’s ex, family members of the offended spouse, etc. Affairs are often easier to jump into than out of.
Not only is it hard to predict who will seek revenge, it is also difficult to predict when, where and against who it will come. Some offended parties will attack directly. Others prefer indirect attacks which are designed to inflict peer and a sense of helplessness. The greater the offense, the higher the likelihood of vengeful retaliation. If you are having an affair with a married person the risks are even higher. Keep in mind that more than half of all women killed in the United States are killed by family members. In terms of men, 90% of men who are murdered every year are killed by acquaintances or friends.
These are high numbers which anyone who is planning an affair or involved in an affair should be aware of.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
dangers of affairs, murder and affairs, revenge and affairs, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One of the weird things that I have encountered with affairs is the strong similarities between the infidels spouse and the lover. Although they may deny it, the choice in lover often reveals hidden needs. When the lover look like the spouse, though perhaps a younger, sexier version, the choice indicates that they really do love their spouse, although they have trouble loving the present day version of the spouse. Making close observations of the lover can tell you more than you ever imagined, when you know what to look for. Most of the time, the spouse reacts strongly to the lover out of an “it’s not me!” mentality, even though on closer observation, it is a version of ‘me’. Spouses often have to ask someone close to them to make observations, since they are too close to see such similarities.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs, choosing a lover, factors behind the choice in a lover, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In dealing with affairs, I often encounter those who insist that their swapping and polyamorous lifestyles are healthy and ‘natural’. They espouse the reasons for their positions, and justify their choices. Although the discussions are often lively, when they get honest, those lifestyles are often filled with confusion, torn loyalties, emotional binges, and insecurities. The emotional price tag for such choices has many large costs that are often hidden from the public. The simple truth is that ‘infidelity is infidelity’ pure and simple. No matter how it is packaged and relabeled, one cannot escape the consequences of such choices. The insecurity, emotional turmoil, torn loyalties risk of health issues and lies that go with such choices can not be escaped. The jealous and angry reactions still arise when spouses devote time and attention to others despite all the claims about the ‘openness’ of the relationship. The wild party eventually comes to an end and someone has to clean up and live with the messes it produces.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
insecurity and affairs, polyarmory, swapping and affairs, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
One of the potential dangers with affairs is that of stalkers. There are many people who are pleasant enough on the outside, yet once their passions are stimulated become a monster. The monster may be the lover, spouse of a lover, or a wandering spouse. What starts as an obsession soon escalates to controlling. The controlling escalates to stalking. They believe that they must have you, know where you are and who you are talking to. When questioned, they will profess love, caring and protection, even though you know it as smothering and controlling. When left unchecked, the stalking can escalate to violence. The violence may be directed against you, your property, your family, or something important to you.
When faced with such situations, what do you do?
1. Leave the situation. If you can’t leave, begin setting firm boundaries.
2. Create an island of safety. This may be a room, a place you visit or a friends. You will need a place to gather your thoughts. Since they often say things that create confusion, you will need a place to sort things out.
3. Pray.
4. Begin making choices to take care of yourself, rather than avoid irritating the stalker.
There are more steps to take. These will start you on your way to freedom.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
stalkers and affairs, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In the aftermath of an affair, it is common to experience self-doubt. After the shock of the news hits you, the world is suddenly different. You may wonder about what is ‘really’ true’ and what else is a lie. There is an unreal sense of everything around you. You may even find yourself questioning your own judgments and perceptions. The world that you were once able to make sense out of is now ‘unknowable’.
Such reactions are common. Your emotions may be running hot and cold. When you talk to your spouse, they may say and do things that leave you questioning your own sanity. What you once knew for sure, there are now many doubts about. What you thought you knew about your spouse, your life and your marriage are now all suddenly in confusion. During such times, it will be important to take life one day at a time. Rather than trying to make sense of tomorrow or next week, you will be better off making sense of today and making it through the day.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
aftermath of an affair, aftermath of cheating, depression and an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Knowing the price tag of an item before one purchases it often helps in determining whether or not one is obtaining a ‘good deal’. There are even groups like Consumer Reports and Underwriters Laboratories which provide information to consumers to help them make good choices. Although these services are available for products, there are no such services for the relational consequences of affairs. There is no sticker on the window to let you know the full price of that ‘must have’ affair. The price of an affair is never cheap, no matter where you shop.
Among the relational consequences of affairs (which is part of the total price) are: emotional distancing, distrust, loss of reputation, guilt, desire for revenge, insecurity, and loss of self-respect. These consequences occur in the spouse to spouse relationship along with the relationship between the cheater and their children. There may also be some alienation in the relationship between the cheater and their parents as a result of the affair. Having a lover with a good personality, plenty of money or attractiveness may take some of the pain out of the situation, but there is no way to cheat your way out of the consequences. You just happen to have someone to go through the pain of those consequences with you. In some cases, they resent having to go through such experiences. They may be supportive, yet even that relationship will not go unscathed in the aftermath of an affair.
When the relationships become alienated, there are higher risks that other issues may develop. Resentments and grudges may develop in such an atmosphere of alienation. Alienated relationship are the breeding grounds of many problems. Remember that no one makes accusations of Parental Alienation Syndrome when the relationships are healthy. It is when there is alienation, distance, anger and avoidance that such accusations occur.
What makes it worse is that the pain does not end when the divorce is final. The pain continues well beyond any court settlements. The courts do not settle emotional and relationship issues, they only address the legal relationships.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
Affairs and Children, parent alienation syndrome, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Like peanut butter and jelly, affairs and gossip often go hand in hand. The danger with gossip is that in situations where an affair did not happen, gossip can make it appear as if there was one. Gossip can create an affair out of thin air. It can create a compromising situation where none existed before.
On hearing news of an affair, it is important to consider the source and what was actually said. One of the things that leads to gossip (besides jealousy) is poor listening. When people do not listen closely, they do not hear what is being said clearly. The message that was only half-heard is then ’shared’ with others, leading to mis-communication. As simple as it sounds, just listening to what the facts are and what actually was said often helps. Rather than jump to conclusions or using words with double-meanings, listen to what was actually said and CONSIDER the source. Oftentimes the person who is the source of the material has issues. Those issues will need to be considered in the context of the gossip. Consider “What reason would they have to tell me this?” , “How do they benefit from this?”, “Do they have a reputation for telling the truth?”, “Have they spread rumors before?”
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs and gossip, cheating and gossip, Reducing the Risk, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Blackmail in its various forms is often found in association with affairs. Those who know what is truly going on often use that information to gain control or leverage over the target person or persons. Blackmail in many ways is a manipulative mind game in that the target person is never really free. They operate under the assumption that one day, once everything is paid, they will be free. The problem is that the debt is never paid. New excuses and new information are always being uncovered.
A classic con-game is for a female to lure an unsuspecting male to her home. While they are involved, the husband arrives and makes threats. In order to appease the husband and make things go away, money is paid. What the target (or patsy) did not realize is that the whole thing was a set up from the beginning. When sex comes too easy, it is often a set up undertaken in order to gain leverage on the target. The espionage community is very well aware of how sex is often a tool used to manipulate people.
In order to avoid those ‘unpleasant’ situations that can lead to blackmail, avoid ‘easy’ sexual situations. If it looks too easy, it probably is. The easy sex is the bait. Learn to recognize such traps and avoid them.
In order to escape from blackmail, run toward your fears rather than away from them. Be willing to face the truth and its consequences. The truth can be dealt with a lot easier than the lies. Blackmail never ends, so the only way to escape it is to face your fears and the truth.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
blackmail and affairs, con games and affairs, easy affairs, sexual blackmail, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
If sex is just sex, then why is it worse to have carnal relations in one’s home compared to a hotel? If one assumes that sex is just sex, then where it occurs makes little difference. The reality is that it does make a difference. Although many infidels do not openly respect the institution of marriage, they are aware of the sacredness of the marriage bed. The bedroom is a sacred place, and as such, should also be a place of safety and comfort. When the affair comes to the marriage bed, it poses a serious threat to the marriage. Having carnal relations in the marriage bed also makes the lover more aware of their ‘homewrecking ‘ status. They truly are a part of the home wrecking team. The lover often carries the label, even though the infidel had the greater role in the defilement of the marriage bed.
It does make a difference where one has carnal relations. When they occur in the marriage bed, the relationship is in trouble. Once matters get to that point, there is no respect of boundaries and institutions. Those engaging in such acts have turned so reprobate, there is little chance of turning things around. When an infidel sleeps in the marriage bed, it sends a STRONG message of rejection to their spouse. Much like a dog marking its territory, the defilement of the bed marks the territory of the infidel. In this case, the act states that ‘nothing’ is sacred. It turns the status of wife or husband into that of the slut or the cuckold. With that status, the relationship is no longer sacred, but rather animalistic sex. It becomes sex without love or caring. It is merely a biological process.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D Murrah
affairs and the marriage bed, cheating and the marriage bed, cuckold, marriage bed, slut, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
A truism regarding affairs is that no one, I repeat NO ONE is smart enough to be able to cover all their tracks. In a small town, it is exceptionally difficult. People recognize you driving through town, in the local eateries, at the local hotels. Not only do you encounter these people during the affair, you run into them at the church, grocery store, hardware store or post office during the regular weekday. They have seen you in action and now you have to see them in other settings. In the big city, much can be covered with a smile and polite nod, yet in small towns, you often find yourself in conversation with those people, and having to face them eye to eye. In the event you are not dealing directly with the people who saw you, since people talk, their associates likely know who you are and what you have been doing.
You may be able to hide the affair itself, but you will not be able to hide the tracks of where you went, who you were with, etc. Hiding your lover from your spouse is one thing, but hiding all your tracks is not so easily accomplished. On the internet, one can resort to track erasing software. Such software is not so readily available in real life.
Even you or your lover will have to visit their physician. Sexual activity will tell on you at the doctor’s office. There will be tell tale signs of what has been going on. Even when you keep those signs hidden, then you have to deal with the psychosomatic symptoms which develop from keeping those things hidden.
Be careful where you go, for there will always be tracks.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs in a small town, cheating in a small town, doctors and affairs, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
