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September 3, 2010

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The Secret Almost Everyone Knows

June 28, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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Your Affair is something that more people know about than you can imagine.  Even though you have managed to keep it a secret from a select few whose approval you seek, many of the people that you did not want to know, do know. Your secret affair is disrupting your life and family more than you realize. Your kids have been acting out and misbehaving. Since you do not want to see the connection of the affair with their behavior, you have been misdiagnosing the problem and missing what is going on. They know about the affair. They know about the times you meet with your lover. They have become part of the secret and part of the problem.

When will you recognize that more people know than you imagined. You are one of the few who believe that it is still a secret. Like the emperor’s new clothes, they all see through the deception, that you have fallen for yourself.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

The Cost of a Mistress (or of being one)

May 5, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

If there was honest labeling for an affair, many people would reconsider their choices about such activity. The price tag would need to include the following:

-destruction of trust with your spouse

-destruction of trust with your children (or parents)

-damage to relationship

-cost of hush money

-cost of divorce/child custody hearings

-cost of sexual transmitted disease screenings/treatment

-increased risk of blackmail

-cost of stress related health disorders (including heart attacks, hypertension, anyeurisms and migraines)

-risk of spiritual alienation

-risk of life-threatening incidents

Despite these many costs, some people choose to take their chances with an affair. They often assume that they are smarter than most people and will somehow be immune to these risks.  If a traumatic incident occurred which triggered such symptoms and risks, those afflicted would want to sue for damages.

If these were the risks of flying on airlines, no one would ever fly. Just imagine if you were told that there is a high risk behavior that can elevate your blood pressure, put you at risk for disease, heart attack, migraines, face large financial penalties and be ostracized from friends, family, and social groups would you consider engaging in that behavior? With all the health risks, it seems that the Surgeon General should attach a warning label on any sleazy looking individual.

So before you become enamored with the hot looking person at work or at the bar, consider the price tag of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

Adultery’s Shame and Children

May 3, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

The selfishness of affairs often blinds those afflicted with it from seeing how their actions damage those around them. The infidels often only consider their pain and discomfort. They do not see or understand the suffering of others. Although they pay lip service to such suffering, it is only acknowledged when it is similar to their own.

Sure they want to comfort those in pain as when a child falls of their bicycle, yet they do not grasp the shame and embarrassment of a parent who is an adulterer/adulteress. Since they are struggling to justify their own actions, they do not see the shame their children endure related to their selfishness. They do not comprehend how hard it is for children to honestly admit what is going on in the home. They do not see how others at school, in the community and at church shun their child due in part to the infidelity. They avoid such children out of a fear, that like germs, the infidelity may spread and infect their own families. So the child is treated like an outcast, yet they can not talk to their parent about it because their parent refuses to come to grips with what is going on themselves. The whole situation is tragic.

The stain of the adultery often spreads across the generations. It is not a one-generation or one-person sin. It shames the family as a whole. The family often tries to hide the events, yet like the smell of a garbage dump, it invades their lives and reminds them of what happened on a frequent basis.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children

It is not forbidden to have mistresses..

April 29, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In a recent legal debate unfolding in France, a man accused of practicing polygamy is now claiming that his alleged wives are actually mistresses. The man, Lies Habbadij, is claiming that his actions are not illegal under either French law or religious law. Although this case is unfolding in France, the same mindset of Lies is one that many adulterers share. Adulterers are knows for their lies and their ability to persist in those lies despite all the evidence to the contrary. They look at their situation in a very legalistic manner, often claiming that they have done nothing wrong or illegal. Rather than honestly appraise the emotional or relationship damage of their actions, they instead focus the argument on ‘legal’ concerns. Common phrases used are “It was not technically adultery” or “We were consenting adults” or “It was not an affair since she was a (whore/mistress)”.

The excuses may vary from culture to culture, yet the mindset remains. Infidels do not recognize the damage of their actions. They only focus on their guilt and not the hurt, shame or dishonor they have inflicted on their spouses, their children or others. As long as they can engage in their sensual gratification without being held accountable is all they are interested in. Rather than being concerned about the identity confusion, lies, deceit, manipulation and trickery they have role modeled for their children and spouses, they would rather justify the legality of their actions.

Affairs and Infidelity bring hurt to everyone they touch. The damage inflicted goes deep, stretching across generations. The infidel can justify their actions and cite all kinds of definitions of what is or is not technically an affair or whether they have broken the laws of the nation they live in, but the scars of their actions remain. Profligacy, adultery, infidelity, cheating, straying, affairs, one night stands, etc. are disloyalty to one’s spouse, one’s oaths and one’s conscience. Excuses may be used to dull the pangs of conscience, but the ugly reality of affairs is one stain that does not wash away with time.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Affairs in the News

Infidelity, values and children

April 19, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although it is assumed that given the right set of moral values, that infidelity will not occur. This assumption has face validity in that it appears correct on the surface, although the reality is that infidelity occurs across the spectrum of moral values. Just because a person believes that infidelity is wrong does not mean they will not engage in the practice. There are often differences between what a person states their beliefs are and how they actually make the daily choices in their lives. A person may believe that infidelity is not acceptable, yet when their choices do not reflect what they believe, an affair can occur. What is important in preventing affairs are the choices the person makes. Do they live in such a manner that affairs are unacceptable? Do they remove any and all opportunities for an affair to develop? Do they avoid potential compromising situations?  Although not every situation can be planned for, many can be eliminated by avoiding situations that could look bad.

Making choices regarding infidelity also influences children and teens in the home. The children and teens are influenced by what they see their parents do more than what their parents tell them. Children growing up in homes that espouse one value system while living another quickly learn which value system is more important in terms of how choices are made. Parents are often shocked when their teen develops congruency between the value system of what the infidel lives by and start talking about implementing those values for themselves.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

Wrong Assumptions=Wrong Decisions

April 12, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although you may be angry at your spouse over the affair, it does not mean that your children are angry at them. It is a false assumption to presume that your children will have the same reactions to your spouse’s affair that you do, or that they will feel the same way. Although the umbilical cord was cut at birth, many parents continue operating as though the connection still exists.

Making decisions on the assumption that your reactions will be the same as your child’s reaction often leads to further problems. At the least, these false assumptions can lead to strains in the relationship with your children or communication problems. Making decisions based on false assumptions can lay the ground work for problems such as “Parent Alienation” when steps are taken to keep the child from the parent.

In order to avoid making wrong decisions, it will be important to discard wrong assumptions. One of the first wrong assumptions to discard it that of assuming that your child feels the same way that you do.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Parent Alienation Syndrome

Moving On

March 30, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Those who have gone through an affair may find themselves asking the question, “Why can’t they (referring to family members) just move on?” The infidel is often stumped as to the reasons that those around them can’t progress. Since the infidel has moved on past their marriage, they expect others to be able to do so as well. The infidel does not realize that the affair caused emotional time to stand still in their family. The affair was a shock and stunning blow to the family. Since in many cases, they have their lover to comfort them, having an awareness of other people suffering due to their choice is beyond their comprehension.

The same selfish mindset that created the opportunity for the affair is often what keeps them from seeing its damaging effects on other people. The inability to see the effects on others is one attribute that infidels share with alcoholics and drug addicts. All three can not see and comprehend the depth and extent of the damage their actions have produced. Since they are focused on their own pain, when they are out of the pain, they often expect others to be out of the pain as well. It is headline news to them when the reality that other people were hurt as well as them finally reaches their awareness.

Much like wounded soldiers in  war time who are unable to keep up with the comrades, family members wounded from an affair may not be able to keep up as the infidel moves on.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

Relational consequences of affairs

February 9, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Knowing the price tag of an item before one purchases it often helps in determining whether or not one is obtaining a ‘good deal’.  There are even groups like Consumer Reports and Underwriters Laboratories which provide information to consumers to help them make good choices. Although these services are available for products, there are no such services for the relational consequences of affairs. There is no sticker on the window to let you know the full price of that ‘must have’ affair.  The price of an affair is never cheap, no matter where you shop.

Among the relational consequences of affairs (which is part of the total price) are: emotional distancing, distrust, loss of reputation, guilt, desire for revenge, insecurity, and loss of self-respect. These consequences occur in the spouse to spouse relationship along with the relationship between the cheater and their children.  There may also be some alienation in the relationship between the cheater and their parents as a result of the affair.  Having a lover with a good personality, plenty of money or attractiveness may take some of the pain out of the situation, but there is no way to cheat your way out of the consequences. You just happen to have someone to go through the pain of those consequences with you. In some cases, they resent having to go through such experiences. They may be supportive, yet even that relationship will not go unscathed in the aftermath of an affair.

When the relationships become alienated, there are higher risks that other issues may develop. Resentments and grudges may develop in such an atmosphere of alienation. Alienated relationship are the breeding grounds of many problems. Remember that no one makes accusations of Parental Alienation Syndrome when the relationships are healthy. It is when there is alienation, distance, anger and avoidance that such accusations occur.

What makes it worse is that the pain does not end when the divorce is final. The pain continues well beyond any court settlements. The courts do not settle emotional and relationship issues, they only address the legal relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Parent Alienation Syndrome, Understanding Affairs

My Mother’s Affair

January 23, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

When I discovered that my mom had an affair, I did not want to believe it. For a period of time I tried blocking it out of my mind. The nagging questions would not let me block it out as well as I would like. Questions like “How could she do this?” “Doesn’t she know any better?” “What was she thinking?” “Why him?” “How can she say that she loves me and do something like this?” went through my head. No amount of rock music could block it out.

When the time came that she initially talked about it. When I expressed my thoughts and feelings, she commented “Your just like your father!” and stormed out. I was left stunned and unsure of what just transpired. Although I was legally an adult, at that moment, I was as crushed as a boy who had just lost his puppy with it being run over. When betrayal and hurt happen within families, the hurt and pain go deep. Since the hurt and pain are deep, it often takes time, lots of time in order to bring healing to the hearts of those touched by the adultery.  Although parents assume that their adult children ‘understand’, there is a massive gulf between ‘understanding’ and ‘forgiving’ or even ‘acceptance’ of what occurred. Such healing does not occur by osmosis or magically, it requires time and forgiveness. It requires honesty and acceptance of responsibility.

Just because your child is an adult, it is wrong to assume they will openly accept what has happened.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children

Helen of Troy: A Story for our time

October 3, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

The myths of ancient Greece often contain insights into human behavior. They often serve as metaphors that provide instruction concerning situations people often find themselves in. The story of Helen of Troy is a fine example that deals with affairs. In the story, Helen is given as a wife to her husband King Menelaus. Helen had come from a troubled family where the children were split up and had some identity confusion related to being from different backgrounds.  In some stories, her mother had been raped.

With such circumstances, here youth and growing up were terrible. She literally went through  hell. (Once she was kidnapped and taken through Hades). When she finally married, it was to Menelaus of Sparta. Menelaus was a man’s man. In order to keep the competition at bay for his wife, he had made a pact with her previous suitors and all the other kings of Greece. The pact amounted to them agreeing to come to his aide if someone tried to seduce her.

Paris of Troy came along and seduced her. Together the two of them ran off to his home. Menelaus sought revenge for the episode. In the ensuing war, many Trojans and Greeks were killed. The fighting was so intense some of the gods themselves took sides and were wounded.

She saw that Paris was not as honorable as he had originally appeared to be, and besides that he was a wimp.

When the fighting was over, she was estranged from her child and returned to Menelaus.

The story has many commonalities with modern affairs.

-Affairs lead to conflict

-Affairs lead to alliances and more conflict

-Even religious and righteous persons can be wounded in the fighting related to affairs.

-The woman involved had a troubled child hood

-The man involved had some masculinity issues and tried to prove himself by having the affair

-Affairs lead to family estrangement

There are many others as well. It would do us well to re-examine the story and its application to modern ‘cheating’ and ‘affairs’.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, History of Affairs
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