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Hugo Chavez’s Affair

April 29, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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Among the modern list of infidels are Jesse James, Tiger Woods and …Hugo Chavez. The Venezuelan leader took Herma Marksman his mistress for nine years. She was a historian at the time. During their relationship, the two of them talked about how to stage a coup of the government. Sharing a common dislike of the government drew the two of them together. He offered to leave his wife for his mistress. She refused the offer. When Chavez finally staged a coup, the initial attempt failed, and his subsequently left her and his first wife.

The Hugo Chavez situation shows how an affair can shape a nation’s politics. The unbridled passions unleashed in one area often have repercussions in other areas. In the case of Hugo Chavez, his impulsive giving into his passions changed the direction of his nation. Despite all the arguments that adulterers make about how ‘no one’ is getting hurt by their actions. Chavez’s actions have led to a whole nation being hurt and threats toward other nations as well.

Marksman now describes Chavez and his rule as a ‘fascist dictatorship’.  Perhaps her reaction is ‘sour grapes’ in response to events in that nation.  Whether or not her thoughts and emotions are a matter of sour grapes, Chavez himself has since attacked people of his former mistresses racial background in his speeches. Some of those speeches have led to demonstrations in the nation of Venezuela.  In the aftermath of an affair, the unbridled passions can turn sour and find themselves replaced by intense negative feelings. This is one of the dangers of affairs. The hurt just keeps on hurting. In Chavez’s case, the situation is much worse, since he is also manic-depressive and requires medications to deal with it. Affairs often trigger intense emotional reactions, which are intensified when those involved have psychological, emotional or mental challenges.

Affairs do have consequences, and in this case, change the world.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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What is so bad about adultery?

January 26, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Adultery (aka infidelity) is destructive to the spirit of the marriage relationship. Besides being destructive to the spirit of oneness in that relationship, it allows someone to come between you and your spouse. Adultery often involves secrets and lies. Adultery involves breaking promises and vows. In most cases, adultery involves deception and fraud as well. In some cases the person deceived is the spouse and in other cases, it is the lover.

Marriage as an institution precedes the legal systems man has developed. The importance of the marriage relationship existed prior to the Egyptian empire, Babylonia, the Mosaic Law, the Koran or the Bible. Although man has attempted making modifications to the institution, it has managed to survive despite those modifications. Adultery violates this institution. It goes against the legal systems developed by every major civilization that contributed to the advancement of humanity. Given its ancient roots, marriage has a profound place of importance. Adultery lessens the status of marriage. Adultery lessens the humanity of people, turning them into instinct driven animals.

The inter-changeability of adultery and infidelity as terms for this practice provides some indication of its roots. In cases of infidelity, they have left their spouse for another person, much like they have left one god for another one. They do not have an exclusive, intimate relationship with the person they made a vow to. By violating their vow, they degrade themselves and their spouse.

Although critics of monogamy want to blame God, the Mosaic law, or the Bible for their anger, the source of their discomfort precedes those systems. Adultery is a wrong that forces those practicing it to move away from civilization and toward barbarism. It takes humanity backwards.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Making Excuses

January 17, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Affairs occur in many families. The number of affairs is only dwarfed by the number of excuses for affairs. Even pastors have been known to have affairs. One prominent pastor excused his infidelities as “a form of anxiety reduction“. On the surface, such a comment may sound reasonable, yet this same pastor was known to experience tremendous amounts of guilt related to these activities. His claim that it reduced his anxiety was more than counterbalanced by the guilt. In terms of emotional discomfort, affairs bring more discomfort than they alleviate.

It is more than ironic that the President who attacked this pastor as a  “hypocritical preacher” was himself notorious for his own adulterous escapades. Public figures are not immune to the pressures and temptations of adultery. They, like others also made attempts at rationalizing and excusing their actions. High offices do not protect people from temptation, it only gives them different window to look out of.

Affairs remain a blot on reputation and integrity, especially to those in high office. Had these men not succumbed to their base passions, who knows how much more they may have accomplished.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Selfishness plain and simple

January 11, 2010 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

Selfishness, plain and simple is a big factor with affairs. The infidel and their lover seek self-gratification. The gratification they seek is often quick, impulsive and without much thought. Although attempts at rationalizing their actions with “I deserve some happiness”, “God never intended me to be miserable”, “They did it first”, “They don’t understand” or “I am only human” are used as excuses, they do not improve the situation. Such excuses do not consider the impact of the choices on their families, communities and values.I have also seen cases where those involved in the affair believed that they were better or smarter than other people. They believed they were entitled to indulge in such illicit acts with impunity.

Even though they attribute the stigmas associated with affairs to Christianity or organized religion, the stigma of affairs existed in societies before Christianity changed cultures. These cultures knew back then, it was selfishness, pure and simple. Even in Scotland, the stigma associated with affairs existed among the tribal cultures before the organized church moved in. Even prior to the giving of the Mosaic law, the practice of adultery was frowned upon.

What adulterers do not consider is that once the damage is done to the family, community and values, it cannot be undone. Adulterous acts can be forgiven, but they cannot be undone. People are more accepting of instances where someone was drugged, tricked or forced into affairs than those situations where the parties knowingly gave into their impulsive desires.

Yes, it is difficult delaying gratification of desires. It is important to delay such gratification than to indulge in impulsive acts that often have an extremely long tail which often stretches across generations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Tramps!

December 29, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In bygone days, people used terms like tramps, sluts, adulterers and whore mongers to describe sets of behavior that were often seen in people who engaged in infidelity. Over the years, the concept of beauty along with morals have changed so much that identifying such behavior is not as easy as it once was. The Bible even addressed such behavior and provides behaviors to look for. These are taken from references contained in Proverbs and Ecclesiates. I have found them useful for both men and women who are prone to infidelity.

Some of those signs include:

1. Excessive or extreme eye make up.

2. Seductive or provocative dres.

3. Smooth and persuasive talking.

4. Extreme mood changes and moodiness

5.  Frequent sexualizing of communication. Finds sexual references in routine communications.

6. Excessive or extreme use of jewelry. The jewelry will focus on emphasizing sensuality.

7. The wearing of the clothes of the opposite gender (cross-dressing).

8. Often emphasizes secretiveness and secret activities.

9. The use of emotional traps. Many times trying to force or manipulate people into commitments is a form of emotional traps.

10. The desire to want to control other people.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Are you treacherous with your spouse?

October 25, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In previous centuries, couples were careful to avoid treachery against their spouse. Words like treachery and treason carried with them a stain to the honor and reputation of anyone who had been called such names.  In colonial America, being associated with treason or treachery was a major concern. In previous generations, the very thought of dealing treacherously against ones spouse was a serious matter.

Just what is”treachery?” Treachery is another word for ‘cheating’ or tricking. It was viewed as a violation of a allegiance or faith. It is a sad statement that many spouses honor their allegiance to the flag and nation more than they honor the allegiance they promised to their spouses.

How does one violate their faith? There are many ways.

1. Giving someone else your affections either emotional or physical).

2. Giving someone else your full attention.

3. Hiding secrets from your spouse

4. Making promises to others ahead of your spouse.

5. Treating your spouse like a child

6. Lying to your spouse

7. Hiding objects or things from your spouse.

8. Not defending yourself from the advances of others.

9. Not valuing your spouses trust.

10. Living your life as if you were single or assuming that it is “your life” and they have nothing to do with it. (e.g. living faithlessly)

11. Telling your spouses secrets to others.

These are just a few of the ways one can be treacherous with their spouse. Although the term treachery is not in common use these days, there are many things we can learn from it. In order to save, preserve or restore your marriage, it is essential that you do not deal treacherously with your spouse.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Helen of Troy: A Story for our time

October 3, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

The myths of ancient Greece often contain insights into human behavior. They often serve as metaphors that provide instruction concerning situations people often find themselves in. The story of Helen of Troy is a fine example that deals with affairs. In the story, Helen is given as a wife to her husband King Menelaus. Helen had come from a troubled family where the children were split up and had some identity confusion related to being from different backgrounds.  In some stories, her mother had been raped.

With such circumstances, here youth and growing up were terrible. She literally went through  hell. (Once she was kidnapped and taken through Hades). When she finally married, it was to Menelaus of Sparta. Menelaus was a man’s man. In order to keep the competition at bay for his wife, he had made a pact with her previous suitors and all the other kings of Greece. The pact amounted to them agreeing to come to his aide if someone tried to seduce her.

Paris of Troy came along and seduced her. Together the two of them ran off to his home. Menelaus sought revenge for the episode. In the ensuing war, many Trojans and Greeks were killed. The fighting was so intense some of the gods themselves took sides and were wounded.

She saw that Paris was not as honorable as he had originally appeared to be, and besides that he was a wimp.

When the fighting was over, she was estranged from her child and returned to Menelaus.

The story has many commonalities with modern affairs.

-Affairs lead to conflict

-Affairs lead to alliances and more conflict

-Even religious and righteous persons can be wounded in the fighting related to affairs.

-The woman involved had a troubled child hood

-The man involved had some masculinity issues and tried to prove himself by having the affair

-Affairs lead to family estrangement

There are many others as well. It would do us well to re-examine the story and its application to modern ‘cheating’ and ‘affairs’.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Getting into her pants

September 4, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

When I was younger, my dad told me that “If you get into a girl’s pants, rest assured that you are not the first nor will you be the last”. In dealing with couples faced with affairs, I can appreciate what he told me. When an attractive female is easy to get into bed, there is usually a reason (or attractive male).  Although the man getting into the ladies pants thinks that he has just accomplished something, the reality is, it is probably a set up or trap and he does not recognize that he just fell for it.

One of the classic scams is for a woman to come on to a man. Once she has him hooked, she presents the threat (my husband is getting out of prison, my husband is coming back from his trip…). The man then attempts to escape. What follows is a series of threats to reveal the “affair” or show the pictures unless a particular amount of money is paid.

Here the affair situation is turned into a blackmail scenario. What started as a ‘hot’ relationship turns into a nightmare with a large tab.

When the man or woman is too easy, or too convenient, there is often a reason for it.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Is Adultery Protected by Law?

June 6, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

If polygamy advocates have their way, even adultery, which is still against the law in some areas will be protected by the law. The pro-polygamy movement seeks to use the legal ruling of Lawrence v. Texas which includes the phrase “…the full right to
engage in private conduct without government intervention.” 

Using a ruling such as Lawrence v. Texas, activists will consider ‘private conduct’ as inclusive of affairs/adultery. Infidelity hurts people and families. The betrayal of trust is damaging to the whole fabric or the families and parent-child relationship. There are reasons why adultery has been considered a crime over the centuries. Judges did not make it a crime solely because they wanted to deprive people of ‘fun’. Prohibitions against adultery have been necessary in order to protect spouses and children from undue harm.  Although an honorable person will abide by their marriage vows, for many people, only the threat of law keeps them in line, and in some of those cases, they are ‘keeping in line’ only becasue thay have not been caught. Marriage is not only two people joining together to form a legal entity, they are creating a family. They are pledging not only themselves, but their resources to the joint bonding between the two of them. When people can sever those bonds on a whim, it makes the society unstable and filled with licentiousness. Some people do not choose to excercise self-control and will only respect the law if their is a strong enough penalty to keep them in line.

Presently, many communities have laws against adultery. Such laws are beneficial to families and the community. The erosion of such laws would be detremential to families, communities and society as a whole.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Dealing with the ‘implied affair’

April 5, 2009 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

Among the questions that people ask me about affair situations, one that I find fascinating is the implied affair. Many counselors have addressed situations where an affair occurred, but few have addressed when an affair has not occurred. In the ‘implied affair’ situation, one party asserts or implies that an affair exists. Even though an affair never occurred, the implication that one happened is often enough to do damage and start the ‘high drama’ associated with affairs.

In the situations where I have faced these situations, the key to understanding and sorting through it is the old Latin question, “Qui Bono?” The term ‘qui bono?’ is often translated as ‘who benefits?’. When the suggestion of an affair is posed, when the possiblity of it occurring does not make sense, it is usually helpful to pose the qui bono question. In some cases the person implying the affair does so directly. Rumors are initiated either for character assassination or paybacks. In such cases, the attacker often resorts to such tactics either due to limited social skills or the target has such a sterling reputation, that that is the only way they can make something to stick. There have also been cases where a spouse will imply an affair so that there will be an easy way to obtain a divorce. One historic example of this is Henry VIII’s atacks on Anne Boleyn which included accusations of both adultery and incest, with no convincing evidence that any occurred.

I have also seen situations where the accusation of an affair was implied by suggestion. In such cases, the attacker essentially suggests the question of an affair. Since they did not directly claim that one occured, they maintain some deniability of their actions. In such cases, they attempt having the target person ‘connect the dots’ and come to their own conclusion, what is often not stated is that they only tell them about pre-selected dots to connect.

However the implied affair is suggested or stated, the damage is real.  Reputations are damaged as if an affair had occurred. In a manner similar to a lawyer attacking the credibilitly of a witness in a courtroom, the repuation of the target is tarnished. The only difference is that the attacks are not limited to the courtroom, and do not stop when the trial is over. The damage inflicted is long term and painful. Henry VIII is a harsh reminder that such charges are not limited to adultery, but may include false accusations of sexual abuse as well. When an attacker begins lying, they often see little difference between big and little lies.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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