All affairs are not the same. You’ve probably found that out. Think about all the books you read on affairs, some describe what you are dealing with and others totally miss the mark.
Some want to punish the cheater, others want to coddle them. Some want everything in the open, others advise the cheater to hide everything since what you don’t know will not hurt you.
When it comes to narcissism, the book likely doesn’t apply to the dynamics you’ve dealt with. Those books are good for helping you to understand what you are feeling and going through, but they don’t shed any light on dealing with narcissists.
Narcissists are self-centered. In order to get through to them, you will have to put on your selfish thinking cap and present the material in terms of “what’s in it for me”.
You will have to think selfish (although not necessarily greedy), and re-frame the material you want them to hear. They don’t understand the world in terms of how their behavior impacts you or others.
They only consider what impacts them and how that happens.
They’re thinking about their own pain and their own reality. When they are hurting, their limited ability to see things from other viewpoints becomes even less.
For the narcissists, affairs are about self-affirmation. They are not doing it to hurt you.
They’re doing it in an attempt at making them feel better about who they are. They are wanting to fix themselves and see the affair as a way of doing it.
The affair is their solution to the problem of the big hole they feel in their soul. The affair isn’t a good solution, but when they are in pain, they aren’t looking at life in terms of what is good or what is bad.
They’re looking at their choices in terms of what will make them feel better about who they are, about what will take away their pain.
You will need to understand this dynamic if you want to connect with them and really communicate. They’re not evil, they’re just hurting.
They are hurting and have a hard time understanding the world outside of themselves. This means that guilt trips, or talking about how it hurts you are not going to get anywhere with them. Nagging them about their being selfish is only going to drive them deeper into their own world.
This will help you if you are one of those who are struggling with how to handle a narcissistic cheater. Knowing what you are dealing with in the cheater’s thinking is critical to resolving the affair situation.
Narcissistic cheaters are different from sex addicts are different from sociopaths are different from attention related cheaters are different from impulsive cheaters.
You can find out more in the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find forums, videos and resources designed for helping you through affair recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
12 Responses
DrJeff!!!
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! So glad to see your first post on the subject! This will surely speak to the hearts of many of your readers!
Will post more later….
Love to all……
So true. Learning about narcissism has helped me. His seeming inability to relate to the pain he was causing was completely baffling to me until I learned about narcissism and the desperate need for narcissistic supply.
I could not understand how he could appear so wonderful to the outside world and be so totally unable/ unwilling to take accountability for his action in our relationship. It is still difficult to understand that he behaved the way he did because of some deep inner pain. He just seemed totally and completely selfish.
He seems to be finally doing better. My insistence on no contact appears to have finally gotten through. But it took over a year. (After a ten plus year emotional and occasionally physical affair. D-day was devastation to my world.) Tough stuff dealing with a narcissist. His need to be the hero for others, took look good for the world often left me confused and alone. His ability to gather around himself adoring fans and acolytes was infuriating when I was perceived as the wife who clearly just didn’t appreciate how wonderful his was. I admit, I thought he was wonderful initially. The reality of the day in and day out challenges changed that.
Your post adds another helpful concept. He has said he never meant to hurt me. But when I go to that painful place of tears and hurt, he has simply has been incapable of relating, of allowing himself to feel the remorse I thought necessary for internal change on his part.
Thank you. I read your posts every time they come in my email. I am striving for understanding. He is a good man. I know the things in his young life affected him early in life. But sometimes I wonder what I signed up for when we got married. Phew.
Just Me,
We often do not know what we are getting into on marrying. As you found out the good behaviors you saw were at times driven more by narcissism than by altruism. I am glad that the posts on Narcissism have helped. I had not idea that so many of you all were touched by this issue.
This is indeed a baffling and troubling condition to come to terms with …or just to admit your spouse fits this description. As some have indicated this kind of personality disorder does not immediately show up. It is also difficult to identify until some specific situations bring it to light.
Narcissism has been discussed in books on the subject and notably it is a difficult condition for therapists to identify as well. Over time one may begin to realize this is the problem but even then, it is hard to discriminate between a gregarious , generous person who is outgoing and caring for others …and one who is using these aspects of character to gain the ‘supply’ that narcissism is typified by .
Marrying a wonderful man who seems so caring , fair minded, generous and well liked by everyone seems compelling . Being married to such a person who does not distinguish between his priorities to his wife in marriage and the ‘neccessity’ others seem to ‘need’ HIM in particular to take care of THEIR needs or emergencies….well that is a horse of a different color.
Most of us do not want to marry a person who demonstrates NO feelings for the hurting or needy but God has placed useful and protective guidelines for us so that we do not interfere with the lives of others or steal what belongs to our spouses when we marry.
When a person disregards all proper boundaries and ways to priorities their time, energy and resources in order to make sure they uphold and provide all that the marriage requires in order to keep their vows and meet the needs of their spouse in all aspects ….spiritual companionship, mental and emotional support and loyalty and physical help, protection and comfort…then they are violating their own vows as well as intruding into the lives of others who would be better served by others who are available .
Intruding into others lives damages both the spouse, and the other person …and any children as well.
I feel a spouse has ALL they can DO to keep all aspects of their vows to the Lord and the spouse.
Other women do not need to have their emotions played with …and especially at the expense of the wife and children.
The narcissist in todays world has little to deny him the ways and means to play out his successive desire to fed his “need”. Encouragement to serve self has become the sin du jour…and it is destroying families and societal stability as well.
Even when a CS ‘feels badly’ about this activity …it seems it is STILL …all about him. My own CS does not care about the abandonment of our relationship …he remains “HERE ” but seems ‘enclosed’ in his own sadness. He works….to pay the bills …which is good ….for all he has depending upon him, but his self punishment is also a continuation of punishment to me ….which effects all he says he ‘cares ‘ about ….
He refuses to make any efforts to get help for himself …he feels he ‘deserves’ to ‘suffer’. It is sad …but he continues to ‘sacrifice’ ….but I feel that the truth is …he feeds his need by way of people who do not know how to determine what is going on in reality.
He wants to be good and be helpful …and be a nice guy, but he has judged himself “too far gone’ and ‘not worthy of help”.
The financial pressures are taking their toll as well .
I am still reluctant to lable my husband as A narsacist ….yet he certainly became more and more self centered as he became more and more successful and had so many of the same kind of friendships in his work.
Has anyone seen ‘Chasing Madoff” ?
I watched in last night ON DEMAND…..when the people hurt by this ponzy scheme were talking I felt it was an awful lot like we felt when we discovered the cheating ….so much past GONE …and so much of the future I thought we were saving for …gone as well.
I do not want to sound unhopeful …but starting over is really all part of life apparently ….HOPE keeps us going …dealing with people who do not know HOW to deal with their choices becomes part of our ‘assignment’ …it is part of our growth …but somehow if we are intentional to forgive in our effort to love and do what our Lord tells us out of love for Him….I have to trust we will end well.
I’m the guy with the narcissistic cheating wife. Both successful two kids soccer mom. Etc… no one knows she leaves the house everyday for wok.. kisses me good-bye… and sneaks out of work Everyday… and meets him in a remote location for sex…love.. comes home everyday and is totally normal with me family … no confronting… not get fault
.no remorse …no change in 3 years….2nd guy… first on I pit a stop to… this one won’t back down and neither will she… no desire to get help…Narcissists are never wrong…. killing me and we are impacting time with kids because I want to address. Have closure. Etc… over a year ago she actually sent him a …I love my family and husband and want to make it work no contact email … he replied like he didn’t know why she was talking about.. then the had sex next day… and every day since… we still are somewhat normal to outside works although folks know I’m a little depressed and. Less fun… because I always know they were just together
..I’ve put my foot down..
I’ve tried all of the ..I understand your feelings….
I’ve done everything but expose and file for D…
Arrggggg….
itsbeen so long,
It pains me to read of what you have struggled through. The lack of remorse and acting like nothing happened or is wrong is hard for anyone to wrap their head around. It would be hard to motivate such a person to change, when they feel no discomfort or pain. There is no motivation to change. Being a narcissist, she likely views what happens as ‘getting her needs met’ and nothing more. The nonchalant attitude on her part is also a total non-validation of you, your feelings and your reality. Being caught in such a bind would be very ‘crazy -making’ due to the illogical actions and total disregard of you.
Seeking exposure may bring some temporary changes, yet could have some blowback as well. Even with the blowback, it could interrupt her cycle/pattern of affair behavior. There are times when even little interruptions can change things in a big way.
Its been so long
So sorry for you enduring pain …she may have a very LONG road to wake up ….May you find the strength to enable you to protect your children …It is hard to think of a mother doing this …it DOES effect all …Hang in there …..Hugs
Wow, it’s all pretty heavy. I think my husband has sex with men. I think I’m just the tool used to make him seem normal. I know things but I can’t prove it. He is very powerful. Though once he was mad at me and had an affair with my also married cousin. He swears no physical contact but I read their chats and emails. But he watches porn. He/she porn. Tranny porn. We have a horrible sex life. He is stuck on his appearance. Has a lot of friends. A few gay friends. I think he hates women. I’m isolated. Alone. He has ruined my friendships . I moved away. He stayed in other house. All the utilities in my name and he took money out of our account to pay them but never paid them. He ruined my credit. Every time he knows I saved some money he creates an urgent crisis and I gotta spend what I saved in order to keep my cars from getting picked up for non payment. This isn’t a man in love with me. What do I do. He says he loves me.
Kim,
Thank you for sharing what happened to you.
It’s definitely some pretty heavy stuff that you’re dealing with. Affairs, porn, tranny porn at that, isolation, shame, control issues, narcisstic tendencies…you’ve got some pretty heavy issues layered one on top of another.
A spouse having an affair is a heavy dose of rejection. Adding pornography, especially tranny porno is an even bigger rejection on many levels. After experiencing rejection on all those levels, there will be some reactions. It’s as if he rejects you as his wife, as a lover and as a woman.
It’s not surprising that the narcissism is intertwined with the tranny related issues. In its extreme forms, narcissist love themselves and those that remind them of themselves. They only have room for others to the degree that it lines up with their fantasies. Your husband has taken his situation to some extremes. Those extremes may even have a sexual addiction component to them.
When you have been rejected on so many levels, it is understandable how you feel isolated and alone. The rejection and wounds run very deep. Reaching out and sharing is a place to start the healing process.
My wife is the worst problem I have had in life. She cheats(many times) and her lies are constant. I am 81 years old, she takes excellent care of me.
I will stop here. read 2nd Timothy 3/2.
How can I make my husband stop cheating on me?
Hayes,
Thank you for writing to me. Start by improving your relationship with him.