A reader wanted to know how to find the best marriage counselor. The person who is the ‘best’ dependends on what your needs are.
When you are dealing with an affair, you want a therapist who’s experienced in dealing with affairs. One researcher found that many couples go through several counselors in the process of dealing with an affair.
So, if you have to go through more than one, you are not alone. It takes some serious shopping to find the right counselor. Sure, they will all say that they are competent and qualified to deal with your issues.
When it comes to affairs, you want someone who is willing to address the affair, talk about it and work through the issues. The research findings show that couples who spend more time addressing the affair have a better chance of surviving the affair.
What’s shocking is that another survey found that in over 50% of the cases where a couple seek counseling for an affair, the therapist doesn’t deal with the affair as the main issue. Think about that for a moment. The very issue you go to counseling for is not seen as the main issue by over half of counselors in the survey.
With that in mind, you need a counselor or therapist who is willing to deal with the affair directly, and encourage honesty. Those who are unwilling to confront the issue or condone the ‘keeping of secrets’ because it may upset you or your spouse are the best choice when it comes to affairs. They may be knowledgeable and friendly, but that kind of approach is not what has been shown to work best with affairs.
It is my own bias, but when it comes to affairs, you will want a therapist or counselor who shares the same values as you when it comes to affairs.
When a counselor views an affair as ‘not a big deal’, it’s not likely that they’ll confront the affair and follow through on the issues, the way they need to be. The counseling field is often so open-minded that they are unwilling to take stands regarding affairs.
When you question them on their marital status or views on affairs, they may say “that is not pertinent” to the therapy. The reality is that it is. The values a counselor has becomes the lens that they view and address your marital issues through. A blemish in that lens will keep them from focusing on the affair.
Some counselors take the approach that it is not in your best interest to ask too many questions about the affair or talk about it so frequently. When you hear such talk, you need a new marriage counselor who will deal with the affair. They may be competent in other areas, but they are ‘missing the boat’ when it comes to affairs.
Once you do find one that knows what they are doing when it comes to affairs, you will need to work with them. Yes, there will be pain and you will be outside your comfort zone.
Sticking with what you are familiar with is part of what set the stage for the problems to develop. Be willing to get outside your comfort zone.
Best Regards,
Jeff
PS-If you can not find someone in your area, you may want to consider online marriage counseling or workshops to give you the help you need. The Affair Recovery Workshop is a great way to start recovering from the affair. Click the link, fill out the form, and in minutes, you can start working on recovering from the affair.
