One of the phrases used by cheaters in justifying their actions is by telling themself “Our marriage was a lie.” The phrase has a way of devaluing your marriage and taking away years of your life at the same time. It is the most hurtful thing a cheater could say to their spouse.
When someone says this to their spouse, they are essentially saying that everything in their marriage was a lie. This is incredibly hurtful and can cause a lot of damage to the relationship. It can also make it very difficult for the spouse to trust the cheater when an opportunity for reconciliation arises.
At those moments when they tell you this, you are hearing some of the uncensored self-talk that’s been going on in the cheater’s head. Hearing the uncensored version of things is painful, while at the same time allowing you into what’s been going on in their head.
Discovering what’s really going on in your spouse’s head is frightening at times. It shows you how they view themselves, their marriage to you and yourself. Its walking into a nightmare.
The transformation of turning your marriage into a lie began long before they said something. Their mind has to find some ‘way out’ or loophole allowing them to cheat. Telling themself that their marriage was a ‘lie’ is one of their loopholes. The truth is that they want to believe in their affair more than in your marriage.
They can’t live with the contradiction of being married and having the affair at the same time. The double-bind of those contradictions pains them. The affair becomes the solution to their problem. It’s not that they don’t love you, they may. But they can’t stop thinking about the other person and what might have been.
Saying your marriage was a lie is their solution to that discomfort. Instead of admitting they did something wrong, or that they broke their promise to you or entered the marriage in bad faith, it’s easier to tell themselves that ‘it was a lie’.
The fact is that the two of you are married. They really did make a solemn marriage vow to you. They also don’t understand what a solemn vow entail. It’s not something they can weasel out of by saying “Oopsie” or “My bad” or “It was a lie.”
When they tell you that your marriage is a lie, they’re letting you know that they’re caught in a struggle. They believed the lie of the affair and instead started telling themselves that their marriage to you was a lie. Their mind is twisted.
At those times you need to be taking care of yourself. You need ways of keeping your own head on straight instead of getting caught up in their mental confusion and turmoil.
This is where the video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis” comes in. It guides you through those basic things needed in self-soothing and self-care. It guides you through the confusing times that happen in the early stages of recovering from the affair.
At those times you need to think for yourself rather than allowing their confused brain to think for you.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
