A recent headline on the topic of infidelity caught my attention. It stated “Why cheating on your partner may not be so bad”. The headline did what it was supposed to. It caught my attention and had me reading the article.
In many ways, it promoted a book on infidelity by affair guru, Esther Perel. Around here, I often refer to her as ‘Esther Peril’, since you follow her relationship advice ‘at your own peril’. Plus, I thought it was a clever play on her name.
I’m suspicious when the mainstream media is filled with articles and news items promoting new gurus. When you see several publications in different locations all promoting the same person at the same time, I smell a rat.
She makes some astute observations, which I agree with. Points like “People today turn to romantic love for things they used to turn to religion for” and “infidelity doesn’t always lead to the dissolution of a marriage” are spot on.
It’s in the details of her material that I struggle. My dad often reminded me “Pay attention to the details.” Given that he was a rocket scientist who did his own calculations, and plotted out flight trajectories, he was onto something.
I took his advice and I notice those little details when it comes to marriage.
Esther’s statements implying that monogamy is probably not natural, or that ‘the meaning of infidelity used to be something completely different than it is today’ or that ‘marriage was invented for economic reasons’ bother me.
I happen to believe the Biblical account of marriage being instituted by God, that monogamy is natural and that infidelity often has evil components.
Sure monogamy means saying ‘no’ to temptations and selfish indulgences along with requiring self-control. I see those as positive things rather than negatives. Because I love my wife, and care about our marriage, I say no to misleading temptations.
Having different foundational ideas produces different outcomes. Although Esther and I each help people like you in dealing with affairs, you’ll end up at different places depending on whose ideas you follow. The details really are important.
When your marriage relationship is at stake, those ‘details’ become important. There’s a huge difference between someone like Esther claiming that ‘nothing really holds the family together today except for the happiness of the couple’ versus ‘faith in God’s promises concerning marriage and the bonding on many levels that hold family together’.
When I’m going through tough times, I need something stronger to hold onto in my marriage than just the happiness of Peggy and myself. That’s why in the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop‘, I share proven tools and techniques of turning your marriage around.
There are also tools for improving intimacy and communication between the two of you.
I know the importance of a solid foundation and solid promises when a marriage is on shaky ground. When there’s an affair impacting your marriage, you need something stronger than ‘just what makes you happy.’
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
