One of the big challenges I faced as a counselor concerned keeping a straight face and honestly hearing out people when they made outrageous comments. I learned that although the comments were outrageous on the surface, they often revealed deeper issues.
Hearing out people took our conversations to deeper levels of understanding. I became aware of the deeper needs they had, when I listened intently rather than reacting.
I recalled these experiences when I read about DL Hughly’s comment about his infidelity. He said, “I never felt like it was bad. I thought men had other women—I mean, even in the Bible,” he says. “I never associated [cheating] with being a moral failure. I thought it was kind of what people did.”
His comment highlights how some of you still think that cheating is “just what people do.” You view it as a routine activity.
Even when you hear Bible verses or moral directions on the matter, you miss hearing the parts about infidelity being immoral or wrong.
(Perhaps either their pastor avoided preaching on the subject or they were asleep in the pews that week. From my experience few pastors consider preaching sermons on sex, which is not surprising given that 21% + have had affairs.)
You likely have compartmental blinders that keep you from seeing cheating as something that’s morally wrong. Those blinders block out upsetting truths.
Counselors refer to those blinders as being part of the ‘split self’. The cheater literally has a rational side and an impulsive side of who they are.
Instead you think in terms of their being two separate worlds you live in or having women on the side is just what’s expected.
When someone points out the immoral aspect, you wonder “Where are they coming from?” You just don’t connect cheating with being immoral. You’ve compartmentalized so long that you can’t see the connection.
There may be a family pattern of infidelity, but even then, there’s the immoral aspect of lying and hiding your actions from your spouse. When you can’t see that cheating is immoral, what’s the likelihood that you’ll view lies, deceiving your spouse, and being disloyal as immoral?
Hearing your spouse out in terms of their thinking about affairs is one way of discovering the blinders they have. You may be assuming they know better when they really don’t.
When you need some extra support in recovering from your spouse’s affair consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find others going through similar issues. You’ll realize that you’re not the only one.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
My spouse was able to sit beside me holding my hand as we sat through a sermon on adultery. Signed us up for a marriage class at the church……. just can’t make this stuff up!
David,
(My mouth is wide open) I find myself stunned at the callousness of what you describe. I am reminded of the Bible verse in Proverbs 30:20 “Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness.”
I don’t think you can make this stuff up. Besides the Bible verse, her actions raise questions about some kind of ‘split-self’ type of thing going on. This is where the cheater has so compartmentalized that part of themselves that they don’t see that the adultery was even committed by them. This can also happen with those who have a history of being victims of sexual abuse.
It’s unnerving when you see it happening right in front of you.
It’s good that your pastor delivered a sermon on adultery. Most pastors don’t touch this much needed topic. Hearing that someone out there is addressing it is good news.
Best Regards,
Jeff