One of the trickiest area to navigate in relationships is that of ultimatums. Handling ultimatums challenges the one on the giving end and the one on the receiving end.
Although I’m a big fan of boundaries, when it comes to ultimatums, especially affair related ultimatums a yellow warning light goes off in my head.
Giving an ultimatum forces someone into making a decision. In my experience forcing decisions is best approached with caution. Once you this happens, it’s hard undoing what happened. It puts their back against the wall, and if they feel desperate, there’s a risk of lashing out.
Giving the cheater an ultimatum about ending their affair is one thing. That kind of decision is important.
Ultimatums work better with severing relationships than with modifying them or pushing them into something they aren’t ready for.
Where things get dicey are the ultimatums about moving back in, having sex, and generally forcing them back into a relationship with you or squeezing them into a particular type of relationship with you.
Relationships work best when based on making free choices. Forcing someone to stay with you amounts to holding them hostage. Although I prefer relationships based on choice, I also know some cheaters only make changes when you put them in a bind.
It’s only when they are in an ultimatum type bind that they finally make commitments. If you’re in that kind of situation, one of the principles from the Affair Recovery Workshop is ‘meaning what you say’. In those situations, you need to mean what you say and be willing to stand by it.
If you deliver ultimatums too early, it damages trust. It also encourages manipulation as a way of making things happen.
If you delivered an unwise ultimatum or delivered one too early, there are still things you can do that repair the damage. This is where the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” comes in.
If you made mistakes about ultimatums either on the giving or receiving end, take action now and start repairing the damage in your relationship with the how to instructions in the video.
Change is possible when you know what to change and where to do it. This video guides you in what is needed and where to make those changes.
Bad ultimatums lead to bad choices. You can do something about that rather than let the situation fester and worsen.
Take action now, before it’s too late to repair things.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
