After D-Day, you may have asked yourself ‘Who is this person I am married to?’ Although
you ask yourself this question or some variant, it helps thinking through what is going on.
The cheater’s behavior may strike you as very strange and in some cases, so extreme that you use the word ‘alien’ to describe it. You may even feel much in common with a movie script about how real people in your life have been replaced with aliens.
The whole world seems weird or different to you after D-Day (Disclosure Day). The man or woman you thought you knew is now a stranger.
Although all the talk about aliens and strangers has a surrealistic element to them, that is how you feel. You’re not loosing your mind when this happens.
Your mind struggles in its effort at finding ways of dealing with a new paradigm. The discovery of the affair forces you to face a new script. You are forced to deal with a way of looking at the world and your spouse that you had not considered before.
It takes time adjusting to this new world you find yourself in. Anytime people have to face a ‘new’ reality, there’s a period of adjustment. The more radical the change, the more time it will take in adjusting to things.
The question of wondering who the person is that you married is also a sign that there are “trust” issues. I refer to them as ‘trust’ issues in that you did not know the person you married.
You shared some common experiences. They told you some parts of their lives, yet there were a lot of blind spots in the relationship.
The blind spots may be areas they never told you about, or that you never bothered finding out about. Either way, it’s shocking facing the sudden discovery of a ‘blind spot’ in your marriage.
The discovery of the blind spot is hard on you. There may be times that you beat yourself up for having not seen things. Instead of beating yourself or them up, the solution may lie in the problem itself.
You trusted a stranger. Perhaps your ideas of trust are misplaced, or you chose your spouse based on fantasies rather than facts. Whichever the origins of the situation, beating yourself up will not fix things.
You may need a better understanding of what trust is, or a better understanding of fantasies and the role they play in your relationship.
Instead of beating yourself or beating your spouse up (or beating the lover up), try fixing the problem at roots of misunderstandings and impulsive/poor decision-making. Improve your understanding of trust along with discovering ways of making better choices and better informed choices.
The video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you in rebuilding trust along with making sure that you have SOLID foundation. Your trust is actually based on something rather than being constructed of good will.
Click the link and order it today in order to turn the ‘living with a stranger’ situation around.
Best Regards,
Jeff
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