A distraught wife wrote to the Atlantic magazine about an affair and their marriage. After some infidelity early on in their married life, the couple re-committed to each other. With that re-commitment, they also agreed that ‘no outsiders would be allowed in‘.
Committing to the ‘no outsiders’ worked for them for over 20 years. I thought the intervention was a good boundary for them to have. Although it was a good intervention, it wasn’t enough.
She thought that keeping the outside threats eliminated would make her marriage safe from an affair. The ‘no outsiders’ policy only dealt with half the equation. An outsider made it inside by approaching in one of the blind spots and he let her.
Any issue left half-solved remains unsolved. Sure, they dealt with a symptom, but neglected the root of their relationship problems.
The ‘no outsiders’ policy was a good start, but they needed to do more work to make their marriage truly safe from an affair. They needed to deal with the root of their relationship problems, not just the symptoms.
In their case, they additionally needed improvement in their marriage relationship. This includes sharing, communicating, encouraging and helping each other address blind spots.
Reducing the outside threats to your marriage with healthy boundaries is a great start. The problem with great starts is that healthy marriage requires more than just a good start. The internal needs require attention as well. What are you doing to make better connections with each other along with ways of deepening your relationship?
You may think you know all there is to know about your spouse. You may actually know all there is that they’ve allowed you to know. As humans, we are always growing and changing.
When you are oblivious to those changes, blind spots start developing. You don’t see some hidden area that ends up causing problems.
When your communication is at a heart-to-heart level, you’re aware of the changes and growth. You continue finding new areas about each other. When you neglect this, it allows room for complacency to creep into your marriage.
That complacency keeps you in the dark about blind spots. You may be keeping the outside threats under control, but that doesn’t mean that the threats from inside your marriage are gone. In fact, they may be growing.
To have a truly safe marriage, pay attention to the root of your relationship problems and not just the symptoms. Address the issues head-on and with deep communication. Watch for changes in each other and don’t allow room for complacency.
You may not even be seeing them, yet you definitely feel their effects. You know something’s wrong, but can’t put your finger on it.
If your marriage communication needs help in keeping the connection between the two of you healthy, consider the video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”. It guides you in opening up healthier connections between the both of you.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
