Whenever you ask the question “Why won’t he tell me the truth?” , have you considered what you’re actually asking? What you asked for and what you’re looking for may not be the same thing.
Anytime you ask your spouse this kind of ‘why’ question, you open yourself up to frustrations. With that question, you put them on the spot along with wanting an explanation.
Typically when people are put on the spot, they react defensively. The more aggressive you get, the more defensive they’ll get.
Their nervous system feels under attack at that point. When people feel that kind of defensiveness, the outcome is typically not pleasant. The first response to feeling attacked is attacking back.
Consider how you’d feel if a police officer pulled you over for speeding and immediately demanded knowing “Why are you breaking the law?”
Imagine your reaction as the officer becomes increasingly demanding at uncovering “WHY” you broke the law. This kind of pressure causes many people to lock up.
At those moments, lies come easier than the truth. The angrier you are when you ask, the greater the likelihood that you’ll be getting what will appease you rather than the truth.
In asking the question, you also assume that he knows the reason for what he’s doing. Some spouses are aware enough to actually know the motivations and reasons behind all their actions.
A majority of husbands in today’s society operate on series of actions and reactions. They do what they do in reaction to what’s going on around them as if they are on automatic pilot.
Considering their motivations behind affairs and lies is rare. They may have an excuse, but never thought through their reasons for doing what they’re doing and the effects of their avoiding truthfulness.
Although some spouses know, most honestly aren’t that aware of their motivations and reasons for doing what they do. Assuming they do leads you into some false conclusions.
If you knew the ‘truth’ behind their lies, would you deny it or work at correcting it? Anytime you ask a question, you need to consider if you can handle the answer.
Asking questions that put your spouse on the spot just to put them on the spot never ends well. When that happens, it comes across as badgering.
Your man may need love at a time that you’re badgering them. There’s also a big difference between tough love and enabling love.
If your husband isn’t being truthful, it’s a sure sign that someone doesn’t feel safe. Demanding honesty when things aren’t safe is asking for trouble, even though you think you’re asking for answers.
In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”, I guide you through ways of opening up communication. You can know ways of hacking through their defenses without bringing on more hurt or badgering them.
Opening up communication can turn into a Pandora’s Box of problems when you go about it the wrong way. Pushing and badgering them at the wrong time can push them further away from you at a time you want them closer.
Consider how your conversations with them will go when both of you feel safe and trust is re-established in your home.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
