When I first came across the statistic that 60% of therapists don’t deal with the issue of infidelity, even when the couple comes in for that reason, I was shocked. It bothered me so much that I conducted a survey of over 500 couples and found the same results. It’s a disheartening fact that couples who are struggling with infidelity often find themselves without enough support.
The claim was validated, which was a mixed blessing. I was glad that I saw her findings repeated, although part of me that believed in the benefits of counseling hoped to disprove the findings.
It concerned me that so many of you who are hurting aren’t getting the help you need.
I was reminded of this on reading a blog where a furious husband shared his experience at the marriage therapist he and his wife went to. His wife cheated and the therapist framed her infidelity as having experiences she missed out on during her ‘party years’.
It made me sad to think that this couple wasn’t getting the care they deserved and needed. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for them to go through all the pain of betrayal, only to find a therapist who was so dismissive of their experience.
When your therapist frames the affair as trying a new experience outside of marriage, then justifies it as her missing out on the experiences, things are headed in a bad direction. When the counselor views infidelity as a ‘positive experience’, you can rest assured that they don’t believe in marriage.
When affairs are seen as positive experiences, your wayward spouse is less likely to end that relationship. This is especially true when the ‘expert’ condones the affair with terms like that.
His account only further validated the alarming statistic about therapists not dealing with infidelity. I understand his contention that ‘marriage counseling is a joke’. I also understand his not following through with the counselor he went to.
When you and the counselor don’t agree that the affair is wrong and undesirable, there’s no room for working things out other than agreeing to disagree. What’s more is that the counselor may even be enabling destructive behavior in the marriage.
I believe that it is essential for couples to get proper counseling and support when struggling with infidelity, regardless of the outcome. This means seeking out a therapist who understands, accepts, and deals with your situation without judgment or bias.
Marriage requires commitment. You make promises at the altar. Those promises don’t say, “I’ll stay with you until I find something better in the form of ‘new experiences’.” That approach only moves the boundaries and goalposts.
When the values are constantly shifting, the likelihood of working things out is small to none. It’s akin to playing a game where the rules are always being adjusted as you go. It’s both frustrating and discouraging. It makes it so that you can’t win.
If you’re looking for an experience with a counselor who believes in marriage, consider contacting me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com .
At this time, I have a limited number of openings available. Contact me for the best times.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
