In dealing with affairs, I explore questions that others rarely consider. Among those questions are, “How did people deal with affairs in the 19th century? Human nature has not changed over the years, so what is different now compared with back then?”
What I have realized is that although human nature has not changed, society has. Another thing that has changed is peoples thinking. In the 19th century, spouses stayed married. They made the effort to work through the issues that led to the affair. Affairs at that time still had social stigma associated with them they used terms like “infidelity” and “adultery” in discussing affairs.
Since there was a social stigma associated with affairs, its participants were often ostracized by the community. In some cases, adulterers were tarred and feathered.By using tarring and feathering, they were not killing those caught, but instead sending a strong message to deter the activity.
The communities recognized that when such behaviors were allowed in moderation, it served to weaken the community as a whole. Even though affairs were conducted in private, the effects were often dealt with publicly with shame and humiliation.
Although the tactics used were harsh, they were generally effective. The negative fallout associated with infidelity discouraged people from engaging in it. The divorce rate was lower, and couples found ways to overcome their differences.
In the 21st century, affairs are seen as private matters and are dealt with privately. Changes in societal morals has increasingly accepted affair behavior. Many of the Hollywood films glamorized affairs, making them look acceptable and fun. Film makers did their best to make affairs acceptable. Affairs were portrayed as ‘normal’, something that happened to normal people so as to reduce moral discomfort.
When the beautiful people, such as actors are used in portraying affairs, it takes the ugliness out of the situation. It also serves to glamorize it and present it as ‘cool’ and ‘acceptable’. Besides portraying acceptance of affairs, they portrayed those opposed to affairs as offensive or unlikable. When those opposing affairs are ridiculed, it also increases the acceptance of such behavior by making it ugly to oppose it.
This is a total twist on the 19th century, where opposing affairs was acceptable, along with being expected and the adulterer was unacceptable along with being excluded from society.
Over the years, the constant bombardment of such messages, along with the massive societal changes associated with the wars, the moral structure of society changed. What was previously seen as shameful, first became tolerated and then accepted. Although the behavior is more tolerated now, the effects remain devastating. The emotional scars often last lifetimes.
Sometimes, it helps to consider how previous generations dealt with such issues. Such consideration provides a reference point from which you can begin to see your situation with greater clarity. Seeing how they dealt with it also helps one to see that our problems are not new, only the solutions to those problems are new.
If you are struggling with how to deal with adultery in your marriage, consider the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
