You want to meet the cheater half-way and try to work with them, but how far should you go? Can you welcome the lover into your home and give them a hug? Can you be okay with the lover attending the office Christmas party or your child’s school play? Accepting and accommodating the lover is never a good compromise. Wanting your spouse back and having them commit to an exclusive and exclusionary relationship where there is only you and them is not asking too much. Wanting the exclusionary relationship where there is no room for any lovers or love interests outside of each other is the starting point. You need to have a committed one man-one woman relationship. Anything else is a freak of nature. Like a two headed cat or calf with six legs, when you make accommodations of additional lovers you are creating monstrous freaks. In your attempt to compromise, you become a Dr. Frankenstein. The problems with creating a monster is that you are limited to either being a caretaker of the monster or being eaten by the monster. You become nothing more than a plaything for the freak.
So what would be a compromise? Compromise may be you agreeing to call the lover by name rather than considering them a non-person or “the dirty whore/whore monger”. That kind of compromise will help your talks be more productive rather than character assassination sessions. It will allow the two of you to talk about your relationship rather than either attacking and defending the reputation of the lover, or arguing over what constitutes sex.
There is room for compromise, there is NO room for accommodation when it comes to recovering your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
This is me …I’ve been accommodating by being “”nice “… asking if it is over…asking her to stop..asking to be respected…
THAT DOESN’T WORK!!!!!!
You are a door mat…they use you when there is no other choice… when you are with the family ….but you are not respected…you are not stopping them by loving them. You are facilitating continuation of everything … they get everything without punishment or consequence ….
Stop the insanity… be nice loving… get evidence. And tell them to get out and disclose ASAP…
I WAITED 3 years and only tortured myself and the kids…
Good luck all
itsbeen so long,
Thank for your sharing your struggle. There comes a time when you have to decide that ‘enough is enough’. That point varies from person to person and couple to couple. You need to clearly know what that point is or you will find yourself allowing more and more encroachment by the cheater. Often this is done in the name of ‘love’ yet the reality is that it is often done to avoid conflict. There needs to be clear limits, whether in the form of time, action or event. It sounds romantic to accommodate for years. Cheaters often do not appreciate it, and only view the accommodations as giving them further permission to continue the affair by making it easier on them. I am glad that you have decided to stop the accommodating. (When it comes to affairs, it is more like a-commode-dating, where you are in the commode and they continue dating).