A reader posed the question “Am I in denial after infidelity?” Since they didn’t provide much information, I’m not clear if it is denial by the cheater or the betrayed spouse, since there is often denial by both spouses when there is an affair.
The amount of denial varies from marriage to marriage, but there is still some denial that needing your attention.
Since denial can take many forms, you need to consider some of the basic types of denial.
There is denial of the affair itself. This can take the form of not wanting to acknowledge that an affair is happening, despite the evidence to the contrary. It can be so strong that you do not see or hear evidence that is presented directly to you.
In such cases, acknowledgement of an affair is so alien to you that it does not compute. In your mind it can not happen, so you do not see it happening.
There is denial about the seriousness of an affair. The cheater may know that some relationship they are in is an affair, yet they deny that it is a serious threat.
Such denial may show up with statements like “It was nothing serious” or “I didn’t mean it!“. When the betrayed spouse has denial of seriousness, they are the ones telling themselves such statements or diminishing the threat that some relationship poses to their marriage.
There’s denial about when action is needed to stop an affair. The cheater may know that an affair exists, that it is a serious threat, yet deny that anything needs to be done about it NOW.
They deny that immediate action is needed. Those in denial keep wanting to put off doing anything to stop or slow down the affair.
When the betrayed spouse has this condition, they put off saying anything about an affair they see going on, or wait until it is a “good time” to do something or say something.
Once an affair is acknowledged, the seriousness acknowledged, the immediacy acknowledged, then you have to deal with either denial of vulnerability or denial of power.
Here denial has you or the cheater either denying that they can do anything about the affair or at the other extreme, thinking they are the only ones with the power to change everything.
Both extremes are erroneous. Both spouses are vulnerable to the effects of the affair and both can do things about it. In fact, to turn things around, both spouses have to take actions. Both spouses have to admit and deal with their vulnerabilities associated with the affair.
So with the many aspects of denial, the question of “Am I in denial about an affair?” is not a question that a simple yes or no answer satisfies adequately.
My response is “If you have to ask, you are probably in denial”. How much denial and what areas you have denial in are the questions you need to consider.
For help with affair recovery, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” is a downloadable series addressing the areas you need in recovering from an affair. It includes what to bring up, how to bring it up, ways of confronting that get results, ways of improving intimacy and dealing with the risks after the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
