Affair Relapse: The Questions

When you’re faced with affair relapse, you have to consider many questions. An affair

relapse may come as a surprise, although the likelihood is that you will feel more discouragement than surprise. You may have even resigned yourself to the “here we go again” reality of what is happening.

One of the questions is “What are you going to do about it?” Some of you are limit driven and when the cheater reaches that limit, you have had enough. The relapse is often ‘crossing the line’ for those of you who have firm limits.

If you know that you are dealing with an addictive disorder, then what you are going to do is familiar to you. You know that a ‘relapse’ means that you have to get back up and return to recovery.

This means returning to meetings, increasing accountability, and reviewing your relapse prevention plan. You also have a better idea of what you need to change, so that you do not repeat patterns of what happened before.

Since relapses do not “happen clear out of the blue”, you know that there were triggers behind what happened along with choices made. Identifying the triggers and the choices are part of the work ahead of you. Once you know what the triggers were and the choices then you will know what needs to be changed.

If you know that the affair is part of the acting out of a mental disorder, you’ll have a different plan of action. It may mean that medications need to be readjusted or some other adjustment in the treatment regime is needed.

You may also have the question “What does this affair mean?” Is the affair part of a problem on the part of the cheater or is it a rejection of you and your marriage?

The affair may actually be an answer to a question that’s not being talked about. If you never ask those questions, you miss out on understanding the affair and the needs of the cheater.

Sorting out what the affair means requires rigorous, fearless honesty. Facing the ‘real’ issues in your marriage relationship often means taking a hard look at your spouse and yourself in the search for answers.

You may have other questions as well. I address many of the questions about Affair Relapse in my video “Dealing with Affair Relapse“. It covers what’s needed in a relapse prevention plan, triggers, anniversary reactions and more.

Best Regards,

Jeff