Some cheaters have emotional affairs. With these affairs, since nothing physical occurred, the cheater refuses viewing them as ‘an affair.’
Even though you see the danger, feel the distance, experience the rejection and know their heart is elsewhere, they deny the affair. To make it worse, they may even claim ‘you’re imagining it’ or some other back-handed way of discounting your feelings and sanity.
What About Emotional Affairs? <<– listen to the audio here
Hello, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here with me today. The topic of today’s podcast deals with the question “What about emotional affairs?”
This is one that is driven more so by questions that come into the website. Because a lot of times people have concerns about emotional affairs. Some cheaters have an emotional affair.
In my mind, what I mean by ’emotional affair’, are the affairs where nothing physical has occurred. Many times in these types of situations the cheater refuses viewing themselves and what happened as an affair.
Although they may have been fantasizing about someone, be tied to them emotionally, stay in contact with them about all sorts of things, be very close to them, may have even self-stimulated themselves with the thought of this lover, yet they refuse to see what’s going on as an affair.
Is it an affair?
This is a tough one. Because even though you see the danger to your relationship, you feel the distance between you and your spouse, you experience a rejection, you know that their heart is somewhere else, they continue denying any kind of affair.
Since there’s no physical evidence an affair happened it’s very frustrating. You feel all the pain, but you don’t have the physically validity of it.
To make it worse, the cheater may claim that you’re just imagining things, or some other backhanded way of discounting your feelings and the intensity of your feelings. This is a frustrating situation to deal with.
What do you do? Well, that’s what we’re going to be talking about today. My solution, we’re going to use the word effervescence to help remind you, because you’re going to be dealing with effects, your version and opinion, and your senses. Effects, version, senses. I went ahead and combined all that together to use the word effervescence.
1.Focus on the effects of the cheater’s attitudes and actions, rather than to try to prove that the affair happened. When you start putting the attention of your talks on the distance between the two of you, how their heart doesn’t seem with you, and those types of things, focus on the effects. That’s going to get you much better help in terms of your discussions with them, rather than focusing on whether or not they are having an affair or not.
Focus on the effects rather than trying to prove the affair.
2. Value your own version and opinion. When you try talking with the cheater and they are discounting your opinions and your viewpoint, it can have a devaluing impact.
Rather than allow that to happen you’re going to have to start valuing your opinion. Even though your spouse may not value it. When you allow the cheater to determine the value of your opinion it’s always going to be a losing proposition. They may not want to choose to believe it, but just because they choose not to believe it does not mean it does not have value.
You’re going to have to put value on it. Because you say so, not because somebody else says that it has value, or somebody else turns around and says it has no value.
That’s allowing other people to define the value for you. You want to get out of that, because that is a pitfall. Something you want to avoid.
3. Rely on your senses rather than hypotheticals. By your senses I’m talking about ‘what does your gut tell you?’ What did you experience. What does your own logic tell you. Your gut, your experience, your logic, rely on the sensations rather than hypotheticals.
Because many times when you sit down and try to talk with the cheater they’re going to put all kinds of hypothetical situations on you, as a way to turn the situation around and to discount your opinion.
This is why you don’t want to get caught up in their hypothetical logic. Don’t rely on that. Just rely on your own senses.
These are ways that you can start initiating a dialog and discussion about the emotional affair. Many times emotional affairs are a precursor to physical affairs.
Sometimes the cheaters are in denial and there may be an actual affair going on, but they are denying what’s going on to such a degree that they’re convinced that nothing has happened. You may be seeing it, seeing all the evidence, but they don’t.
Regardless of the type of situation that you’re in with what type of emotional affair, when you’re dealing with an emotional affair these are items that you can put into place to help you with it.
Here at Affair Recovery Radio our goal is to help you through affair recovery one step at a time. The items that we talk about in this podcast, if you go ahead and put those into place right now, it will start turning things around.
The more you put these into place the more comfortable you’re going to feel in dealing with the emotional affair. This is a place to start. There’s definitely more to it, but you needed a starting place and this is it.
Even though it has an emotional basis, it’s still an affair. It signals that your marriage needs serious help. The downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you through that help.
The unique sequence and approach guide the two of you through ways of improving communication, increasing intimacy and breaking patterns associated with the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
