One of the biggest lies I have heard is that ministers and their spouses don’t have affairs. If you are a minister or the spouse of a minister, you know how much of a lie this is. You may have gone into the ministry thinking that it would be a safe place, free from many of the temptations associated with other vocations. If you assume this, you are in for a rude awakening. Ministers often find themselves dealing with secrets along with powerful emotional and spiritual forces. They are often trusted without having done anything to earn that trust.
You may have encountered those people who put themselves in vulnerable positions, just because you are in the ministry. When people open up with their feelings or are in a vulnerable position it is a rare minister who can resist the temptation to decline the opportunities they are exposed to. You will find that the temptations you are exposed to in the ministry are often more intense than those who are not in full-time ministry. In some cases, people want to test you, in some cases they want see how human you are. In some cases, they want someone they can trust, so they test you. If you are inexperienced, it is easy to confuse trust with infatuation. The people may be confused between trust and infatuation. In either case, others will come onto you, and you will have to resist their advances. In the ministry, people often make themselves vulnerable to you. You will have to learn how to handle those situations, which can be challenging when the person being vulnerable is attractive and virile.
The truth is that ministers are often involved in affairs. The secrecy surrounding the affairs often keeps others from knowing about them. Ministers are often more vulnerable than other professions since they are called upon when people are in crisis. They are also expected to keep the secrets. In most cases, when there are secrets, there is a sexual component.
There are some ministers who are mature and dedicated enough to not be at risk. These men and women of God are rare. If your minister is one of those, you have a treasure. Pray for them. Pray that they resist the temptations that often surround ministers. If you are a minister, you need to handle your calling with the special sensitivity that goes with your position. People are watching you and depending on you to do the right thing and have the right answers.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
Dear DrJeff,
It’s been a while since I have posted a comment, but please be assured, I have read and benefitted from ALL of your posts!!
Since I am making preps to finally separate, I generally do not have the time or energy left to respond to your posts. But, this morning, I have some time and energy.
Thank you for continuing to supply this awesome info for those of us who wish to ‘take the high road’! And today’s post is ever so timely, as my husband was an ordained minister! Most, but not all, of the females he had a ‘thing’ for, emotional or otherwise, were because of his being a minister!
Yes, ‘helping’ these females, most of whom were of questionable morals to begin with, was his easy way of having a steady supply of willing partners. Sick, isn’t it? To misuse the privilege of service to merely serve yourself! Because of his filth, I am all the more aware of the need to serve the Lord with a pure motive, a pure heart! Of course, he lost all of his privileges of service and he no longer even attempts to serve our Creator.
The post from the other day about how an individual becomes a mere shell of his former self because of engaging in affairs is so very true! It is such a waste!
So, keep up the fine work! Many people are benefiting from your tireless service.
Love to Peggy as well…….
Love to all……
PS: I will try to check in with an update in the days or weeks to come……..Either way, I will be reading ALL your posts!
Sherri,
Thank you for the update. Although I enjoy hearing from you, the news about your husband, who is a minister grieves my heart deeply. I can only imagine some of what you are experiencing. I wrestled with putting those posts up, since I loathe ministers or other helpers taking sexual advantage of those in need. Although it stirs up deep feelings, it was necessary to address the issue. I am glad that you have found the strength to take action rather than remain a victim suffering in helpless desperation. I am also touched that you sent regards to Peggy. Although she does not post here, she makes it possible for me to do so and helps me with many of the logistics involved. Thank you for remembering her and me. You are definitely in my prayers as you go through this change in your life.
Dear DrJeff,
As always, thank you for your encouragement! And thank you for being courageous enough to deal with those more ‘touchy’ issues!
Yes, the reason I send my regards to your Peggy is that I am well aware that the type of ‘work’ you do requires the love & support from your spouse. She, in turn, needs to know that others appreciate her for that. Also, it is obvious you ‘practice what you preach’ & I wanted to commend you for that.
That is an area that adulterers never acknowlege. Even when they have the most devoted, supportive mate on the planet, far be it from an adulterer to ever acknowlege such a thing!! Team effort is not something they want a part of! (at least that is true of narcissists)
By the way, please be aware my husband is no longer a minister. He was stripped of all those privileges. Another thing—- several of the ‘offending’ females my husband has been involved with were already of shady morals. So, he did not cause them to deviate or fall—-most had already engaged in immoral sex with others prior to even knowing my husband. He seemed to always be sure they were of the same immoral ‘type’ before he made his move.
Anyway—–I am rambling. Happens sometimes! 🙂
As always, love to all……. (You, too, ZAZA!)
Stormy
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through more and more of the way this effects those of us who have not sinned in the same way as our spouses and others have . It is so hard to deal with especially when there is a ‘double whammy’ of betrayal …first of the confession of faith to the Lord and submission to Him and then to the marriage vows and our person as well.
I spent some 15 or so years involved in ministry. I now understand some of what happens in the kind of venue that the increasing immorality that we see that has been going on among those who are believers or have thought they were.
As with any of the situations that lead to adultery seem to be it happens to seem to be even MORE of a dynamic when people who we hold in high regard fall and I am pretty sure that the Devil finds this a coup as it reflects upon the Lord in many minds.
Yet I feel that though we have fallen or we have been hurt by these who have fallen into sin we continue on in our walk and desire to submit to the Lord.
I think in many ways the ‘wave’ of ‘believers ‘ that we have seen following on the tracks of the way things went in the 50’s and 60’s in terms of not just the culture but the lack of sound biblical teaching of truths that would instruct and bring into the practical lives of those who were seeking to know the Lord and not just going after what they THOUGHT was the way GOD who is love should be …to some a ‘vendor’ of all things that they could ‘ask for ‘ in all kinds of ways ,…but were deceived or left off their own personal searching and allowing the Lord to instruct through their personal study of the Word.
The establishment of men teaching for doctrines the commandments and understanding of men lead to much ‘cutting of corners’ on the foundational things meant to equip us with not just the blessings but the warnings and the equipping of those who sought to serve the Lord with the knowledge of how to protect their faith which would have been protective against all kinds of deceptive and permissive views of our freedom in Christ
This is no excuse for GOD has said that ‘My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’ and that ‘My people have committed TWO evils …they have forsaken Me the fountain of living water and hewn for themselves cisterns , broken cisterns which can hold no water.”
I think in many ways some of the things taught to those who desire to take up a position of teacher or preacher have led many into ideologies that have been destructive to their own lives and as they taught these same doctrinal positions to others has led to many going astray or not even having been on the narrow way at all but some false world view that has had the advantage of having attached the name of Jesus Christ to their ministry.
I see that this has not just occurred in such groups as are labeled ‘cult’ but the ongoing move away from what the Lord reveals in all scripture and the lure to a more ‘pleasant ‘ interpretation of the Word in our minds and practice has been encouraged through time as more and more have not been trained up to expect love ‘ to ‘chasten’ and correct according to sound doctrine.
Many do not even KNOW when someone is teaching something other than what scripture says …and thus are ‘taken in’ by the ways that the Devil has always worked, supplying a fleshly and attractive view that those who are ignorant and trained to desire instant gratification with excuse and permissiveness on the one hand or restrictions where God has not pronounced any on the other. Two ditches on the sidees of the narrow way .
Those who are intent upon learning truth and who are not dissuaded by the pleasantries of this world or fear the rejection or expulsion of men are going to press on …’getting back up on the horse’ so to speak to seek and keep on seeking as the walk requires us to ‘continue in my words and you will be MY disciples indeed’
I have seen time after time people who had confessed the Lord walk on according to doctrines that seemed to reinforce that they did not have to be concerned IF they sinned but taking that truth to lengths that ‘Oh well …if I sin I am forgiven ‘ to ” I am “JUST” a human’ and “I am forgiven , so why worry about sin at all’ It was the slippery slope that took down many of those who had made a confession , been taught and licensed to be teachers and preachers yet there was little meat or little truth in their foundation.
I feel that those who might have sought the Lord turn away …thinking PEOPLE who claimed Christ should live a more moral life…thus their view of Christ was tarnished and they find their own search for answers being moved into more ‘spiritual” offerings that beckon…such as the new paganism and the gnostic things now more and more prominently found in churches who are seeking ways to live apart from the sound doctrines of scripture.
Additions to and Subtractions from scripture as a body complete have taken hold as people more and more are led away by an appetite for a ‘truth’ that serves their desires to continue in whatever state will fill the days of their lives with empty ‘calories’ in terms of going on in a lifetime walk after the Lord IN TRUTH.
Isn’t this the way the Devil has always worked toward his end to rule and reign in the hearts of man.
To know something is wrong and sin does not keep us . To learn HOW to avoid those kinds of things that lead more and more into a state of deception is HUGE and what we can learn IF we are not too busy with ‘church ‘ business…or have our days filled up with things that are ‘worthy ‘ …I feel that many have allowed their time to become OUT of the ORDER that GOD set before us …with HIM first ..
I think that when a person desires to ‘serve GOD ” we are vulnerable to be led to believe that our ‘work FOR ‘ God is our duty when GOD has set before us in his first commandment that we must submit to HIS WORK IN us by way of being instructed by his Spirit through study of His word apart from allowing the various assurances of man in man’s various institutions to usurp this First place in our hearts.
Those things we learn from others may be useful for God’s end only as they line up with what God has set forth in truth in scripture.
The ways many of us are led off as we have the zeal to love God is in how many organizations and people insist and lay upon us that what we DO for the ‘church’ is our way to prove our love for GOD .
I wonder what if GOD would ask us to ‘be still and know that HE is God’ would suit us in a surrounding where we are led to feel ‘sinful’ if we do not go along with whatever the program that is the way any group says we are to follow IF we are to be accepted among them as a ‘true believer”
Working along with others is worthy for the outreach and service to others yet that is very much like the Humanist view….working and serving the needy. Soon many are ‘burned out’ as they strive to do this with a heart of love and concern for others.
A pastor who is in a state of love and true concern for what he can do toward the end of bringing others to Christ but through his own energy and means of that of the various ways that his church will assume is what God would have him do soon ends up doing a lot of serving but little true relationship with the Lord
The foundation that we are directed to have by Jesus Christ is to learn from HIM and to have His foundation laid which is that of the apostles and prophets with Jesus Christ as our chief cornerstone and plumb-line for truth throughout our many opportunities to serve Him by way of simply being obedient to His will ..which is revealed in those who receive His word with meekness.
Though the supposed ‘foundation’ of the ministry I was involved in was the Bible for ‘all truth’ over time the leadership grew more and more in including doctrines of eastern mysticism and was seeker friendly to the point of tossing things that God would warn of in pursuit of numbers of people and all that beneficial mammon that comes with it . To make a name for himself and HIS ministry the compromises increased with the numbers and the eventual sinful activities became excused and even taught as nothing to worry about.
I do not recall teachings about repentance or an ongoing submission to the teachings of Christ .The things that crept in to the things taught were subtle and unknown to a large portion of young and zealous people who had no foundational knowledge of the way the Bible speaks. How like the wolves to aim their efforts at the lambs and once lambs are led they trust such things. Green pastures offered looked green to those who did not know the difference. It ‘seemed right’ and just as scripture tells us “the way that seemeth right unto a man ends in death’ .
Despite the many lives that were damaged or even destroyed as this group proceeded to stretch across the world and accumulate much wealth the enemy of the Cross could not hold it together forever . People began to take the time to further examine what they were taught. Maturity began to happen as the hunger and thirst for righteousness arose despite the various ways that sin was being served up as acceptable .
Those who loved the Lord began to seek again and again to see if what they were taught was so ..especially as the damage of sin was beginning to have a crop of consequences that could no longer be explained away .
The leadership became oppressive as the honey lipped flatteries and promises began to give way to dictatorial and controlling behaviors….Slanders , back biting , and jealousy not cleansed by way of walking in truth and wholesale sinful behaviors went unaddressed from the pulpit and within the fellowships.
The truth of when iniquity abounds the love of many grows cold was evident.
When the ‘church’ does not follow the Lord in truth then why are we surprised when society abounds with lawlessness and sin ?
There is plenty of blame to go around and the devil MAJORS in blame casting …We underestimate the enemy of the Cross and we also underestimate the way God’s chastening betimes is good for us to endure for the purpose of waking up to find out what the heck just happened! often times.
The neediness of women whose husband’s have not been taught what their own duties in marriage are. Or what their vulnerabilities are and the need and reason GOD has brought the tenets of His ways for our good are part of the great gulf that has become our societies excuses for sinful living let loose.
Pastors, priests and various others held up as those we should see live differently and are ‘holy’ so are beyond and above reproach simply by the facade that has been bestowed upon them like a costume of holiness has fooled many into thinking they are holy by way of their schooling or somehow ‘better than ‘ the rest of believers….
To some degree I think even those in those positions believe GOD will protect them apart from their own necessity to learn how they must guard themselves and those who come to them from being sucked into temptation and situations that leave them open to this deceit.
Loving by way of flesh leads to living by feelings rather than learning and then applying oneself to obey the various ways GOD warns us to be watchful and apply wisdom.
Many novices placed in authorities ill equipped for the responsibilities of those positions lead people to believe that a title invests them with equipment. Rather the scriptures give a clear guideline that we are to be equipped with the character and fruit of a walk of obedience out of love for GOD before we are given more to tend with.
So the proof of the scripture ” knowledge puffs up but love edifies.’
With knowledge there is assumption that we KNOW yet Jesus told us to DO what He said …not just to get us in line but through obeying Him wisdom of scripture we are grown up to see why all of what he tells us is useful and protective for His aim …as well as our good.
Women who go to pastors see them as some kind of ‘god’ …not capable of harming them …or SOME as you have sadly come to find out ..SOME see a man who is held in high esteem and considered one who will not succumb to sin as a CHALLENGE to them. IF they can ‘get ‘ a man who is thought to be not sinless but of a character that is upright and of a higher integrity to sin with them sexually they have won a ‘prize’ …Somehow they give their own ego a boost !
This is of course selfish and certainly nothing that matches the definition of the virtuous woman whose price is far above rubies..which is not only a measure of what a woman who loves the Lord might measure herself by but an analogy of what the WORD is …far ‘above rubies’ …is it not.
In our culture and in the minds of many who attend a church …this is ‘not realistic’ or ‘old fashioned’ and in some who live by evolutionary standards that are overreaching in their influences in our society presently , they do not believe it is ‘healthy ‘ or ‘right’ to withhold any desire from themselves!
The pastor who is wise will not counsel a woman alone or with the door to his study shut …He will seek to keep himself unspotted from the world and it’s ways by way of seeking to become equipped from his own study of the Word but many are not able due to the many tasks laid upon them by their station.
For this reason many fall.
I think as they find the need to protect their marriage vows by way of studying scripture about all that God would teach them they would then be convicted to supply others with this wisdom and from the pulpit which they have taken upon themselves to use for their teaching others.
Just as there are women who intentionally enter into seeking out the compassion and attention of a pastor for their own desires rather than going for a Godly instruction and correction so they might walk in the truth more effectively …There are pastors who enter the ministry because they see what they think is a beneficial career rather than concern in for impacting the body of Christ with the things GOD directs as first and most urgent from His word.
Thus the church has become overrun with many who seek their own …and at the expense of those who are trusting in their words.
The faithful servant of the Lord is one who serves GOD and God works IN that person …when we get confused by way of those who we respect telling us what God wants and we do not seek out in scripture with a mind to hear what GOD would say it does not have the same outcome.
I believe it is necessary for us to approach the scriptures with an awareness of how our minds might influence us to not hear what the Lord would say . Sincerity being how we see our efforts there is that truth that tells us that our hearts are ‘deceitful and desperately wicked ‘ apart from having the fleshly view circumcised …Allowing the sword of the spirit to ‘cut away’ the ‘veil’ that we are not even aware of effecting us unless we are made aware of it.
So it is that when we read about how many fall into adultery because they did not know their own vulnerabilities toward it …and so did not prepare themselves proactively to deal with things by learning about and setting boundaries…When we enter into a desire to know Jesus Christ we might not be aware of the many ways we may be deceived .
Certainly we cannot expect a wolf or a false teacher to expose his own methods and intentions …Lies abound when the Word is not known.
How your husband fell is sorrowful as it is with any that fall….Those who were supposed to equip themselves with the amour of God but did not obey that command find themselves in the depths of deception and sin …just as the enemy of the Cross has intended .
May we all be aware of the need to become more and more equipped with the knowledge of the truth of what GOD would have us learn for His glory and our good.
1Cr 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.
We serve God best when we serve Him FIRST ….then He works to equip us with His wisdom so that we may walk circumspectly through the many and various snares of this world
For many years I was so busy ‘serving ‘ God through activities of the body I was involved in that I did not have time to study …or I could have had I slept less than the six hours I had to do so . This is one of the insidious ways that busyness is believed to be an indication of godliness in many venues today .
This is only one of the ways that those who seek to love God are led away into bondage to various false doctrines and practices.
Putting the word of GOD ON daily is a great exhortation and command of GOD that has rescued many from the ways and means of false doctrine and systems of error that abound in today’s world.
May your healing of your heart be in the hands of our Lord as you go on to seek Him who has brought you through so many trials thus far.
Hugs for your aching wounds today!
SHERRI …I SO AGREE WITH YOU …
I believe that the time and energy and compassion that a man gives as he is in the capacity of ministering to those whose hearts are broken is one career that the spouse needs to feel extreme gratitude from not only her husband but those who he helps .
I am glad you think to include this when you post…I have not met Peggy but I have known many women who are supportive and even sacrificial of their husband’s work in this area and it is a real necessity for the couple to continue a strong effort to keep those who they counsel in mind of the boundaries .
Jeff and Peggy offer such an important help to those who for one reason or other cannot get help any other way …finances are often the problem that hits when D DAY happens…the whole world of a family is thrown into a chaotic mix of emotions and sudden requirements to make decisions we never have thought to prepare for and do not know what is ‘normal’ or what is “too over the top ‘ as we seek to navigate.
Thanks for expressing this very well