There may be times that you feel that the cheater has lost their heart. They may even believe that they have lost their heart and their sense of themselves. During these times, they may think that having an affair will ‘fix’ them. The affair will give them some new excitement, yet in terms of what they are feeling inside, they will find that their solution leaves them feeling even more broken and shattered than before. They may even may references to how they no longer have a sense of ‘whole-ness’ or complete-ness that they once had. They may even attribute this to their job or their age. Although each of these explanations sound plausible, none will address the real problem.
Instead of engaging in behavior that will fragment them more, they need steps that will restore their sense of wholeness. They need healing for their broken heart and broken soul. It is only when they have their ‘heart’ restored that they will feel whole once again. They do not realize that with each affair and relationship that they have lost part of themselves. The pieces of their heart may be scattered from one end of the world to the other. Wholeness will come when they bring healing to each of those pieces and quiet the ghosts of the past.
It is a mistake to assume that an affair is only about the sex. The bonding that happens changes the cheater and the lover. They are changed chemically. Those chemical changes bring emotional and physical changes as well. (There are also emotional and spiritual changes, which I will deal with in a future post). They are never the same afterwards. Long after the sex is over they will still be dealing with those changes.
That emptiness and incomplete feeling that your spouse may not be about you at all. Those sensations may go back to a lifetime of unhealthy relationships and trysts. Having another one is not the solution any more than assuming the hair of the dog that bit you will cure you from over indulging in alcohol.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
It is this reality that is most difficult to accept in dealing with the aftermath.
The adultery is one aspect of betrayal , the creating mostly what are good memories with the OP is another sometimes even more difficult one to deal with since it was not just a loss of sexual exclusivity but emotional and historical history especially if it was an infidelity of any length.
Time and again I read others who are going through this lament how they waited and made many sacrifices of time and opportunities to do something they might have enjoyed being part of their lives so they could be there for their spouse.
I know for me, I made my spouse my priorities second only to the Lord because I felt that was what I should do . I also did not want him to have any reason to complain that I was not available . This availability and even my not wanting to be the ‘nag’ or the wife who would not ‘allow ‘ her husband to enjoy his various interests to be our story . NONE of this was appreciated. I had envisioned him bragging about how great his wife was because she did not hinder those things he wanted to do with his friends or free time.
I did let him know that I wanted his time and attention …reminding him I did not get married to go every where and do everything alone…but he did not care or appreciate any of this .
His memories which he still keeps to himself about any and all of the ways he enjoyed the OW are kept to himself ..NOW he says he does not like to replay these ..but I know that it is unavoidable. Having had 14 years and two children with her there is actually hardly anything I can think of that they DID NOT enjoy that my husband and I have….and MORE .
Though he could not take her out as he might have like to ..the fact they were business partners after a years of just being sex partners [ I hate to say ‘lovers’ it seems to legitimize what is not “LOVE” whatsoever maybe “lusters’ would be a more accurate term!] His hiring her made it more available for them to go places together without feeling they were exposing their sin.
In any case ..the losses to me and our children are very well acknowledged …except we NOW realize that his absence from our family time was not because of his work but because of his choice to check out from real life that has it’s various rewards and challenges.
It was lose , lose for all of us .
She however seems to have everything they way she agreed to and knew it would be like and MORE since she entered our marriage bed.
It is a bitter reality and one we all now suffer a great deal from even having made the best of our lives in spite of his absences…..
Zaza,
I like your suggestion of the name, ‘lusters’. It captures the sentiment well. The instant replay of memories is often a challenge for many lusters (cheaters) along with their spouses. Replays of what you think happened or what did happen. Since the memory does not sort out the real from the imaginary, your emotions still have mileage put on them with whichever type of replay is done.