When you discover the affair, one of the temptations you’ll face is contacting the lover.
You want to have a talk with them about what happened. In some cases, you may even want to threaten them.
This may be tempting, but it is never recommended. You would be placing yourself in danger of getting caught up in the drama and wanting to confront the lover. If you do contact the lover, try to not get pulled into their game.
When you find out your partner has been cheating on you, it can be difficult to know what to do. You may want to confront the person they had the affair with and demand answers. However, this is usually not the best idea.
There are a few reasons why you shouldn’t confront the person your partner had an affair.
I consider this a touchy topic in that one answer doesn’t fit all affair situations. As a general rule, I discourage you having conversations with the lover. I have seen some situations where it helped, yet most of the times, it brings more damage than healing.
First, if you’re going into with the expectation that a reasoned talk between adults will resolve things, you’ll be disappointed. Since the affair hasn’t been a reasoned thought it is unrealistic thinking on your part that something you say will suddenly make it reasonable.
The relationship has been driven by passion and lust, not reason.
Secondly, you may try to take control of the situation by initiating contact. But, if you do so after learning about the affair, it’s likely that your feelings will be high at this point. You’ll be more prone to act without thinking things through causing damage to yourself and/or others involved in the relationship.
If you decide to confront the person your partner had the affair with and they are married, understand that you may be speaking to someone who is also a victim. Most likely they are feeling guilty and ashamed. If you try to exact revenge on them, it will only serve to further damage their relationship.
If you go into it with the expectation that you’ll just give them a piece of your mind, you may feel good after venting, but it doesn’t mean that they listened to you. The more passion you pour into the lover, the more power they will have in the whole affair drama.
They may even view your talk as a threat and react with hostility.
Thirdly, when you attack the lover, even verbally, it puts the cheater in a position where they defend them. This starts a dynamic of high-drama games. You, the lover and cheater get sucked into a vortex of conflicts.
When the lover has a long history with the cheater, such as an ex or an old lover, the conflict intensifies further.
It’s never a good sign when the lover calls you. One reader described her experience, “She called me and wanted to talk. I talked to her and it was horrible. I just replay things she told me and things I wish I could have said. I have so much anger towards both of them.”
Fourthly, when the lover calls, they have an agenda. Even when it looks like they’re leaving the relationship, their call is filled with emotional time bombs that end up sabotaging your marriage or destroying what’s left of your peace of mind.
They intentionally say things that at some level keep a connection between them and the cheater. They see it in terms that a negative connection is better than no connection.
These are just some of the complications that arise from contacting the lover. Extracting yourself from these situations is not easy.
When you talk with the lover, you open yourself up to a whole world of hurt. Rather than expose yourself to those dangers, consider your other options.
One option is to start your marriage down the road of recovery from the affair. Consider downloading a copy of the Affair Recovery workshop today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
