In the time after an affair occurs, there is often a lot of discussions and negotiations concerning the marriage. I have often seen couples begin playing a weird variation of poker during this time. What happens is that the resolute spouse makes a request from the infidel. The infidel finally meets the request and then the resolute spouse ‘ups the ante’ or raises the bar concerning what they are seeking from the infidel. This begins a series of raising the stakes regarding the marriage. Such ploys rarely turn out as expected, and both parties usually end up losing.
The remedy to this situation is to be clear concerning what you want. Once you achieve that goal, you have a success. Such a success signals that the two of you have managed to navigate through a problem and have negotiated an resolution. If you want them to apologize, and come clean on what they have done, avoid raising the stakes by adding on additional burdens. Although it is easy trap to fall into, it is best avoided. When you have apology+honesty+restitution+suffering+…… you will likely end up frustrating your spouse and both of you end up losing. Remember that in casinos, it is only the house that wins. In the game that you two are in, the house is often represented by the lawyer. If you want to win rather than the lawyers, stop when you achieve what you are after. Raising the stakes is a sure way to make it a no-win for either of you and the divorce lawyers end up with all the financial resources of the family with little change in the marriage.
As a general rule, if you raise the stakes, you will likely loose.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrha
