A reader wrote to me about a problem she experiences with her husband. She is exasperated with him not liking “to bathe in the evening or brush his teeth” which he should be doing.
I understand her frustration. Such practices should be a matter of good hygiene, good manners and common sense. These simple things make marriages run smoother. Neglecting them creates problems.
Such items are the ‘little things’ that make marriages run smoother or rougher. Although you assume that most people know these things, the reality is that some don’t.
These are learned behaviors. Such behaviors, along with good table manners are ways of signaling that you want to get along with others.
The problem is that some spouses have not learned these simple civilized behaviors. Instead, they live life in a more selfish and brutish fashion.
They live life in a self-centered manner with little consideration of others. They are only interested in expressing themselves and satisfying themselves. They react to any calls for manners or self-restraint as threats to their freedoms.
To put it simply, they are brutes in suits. They may look civilized, yet in private act very differently.
When you’re married to such a brute, those simple things like bad manners and poor hygiene make it something to endure rather than something that endears you to them. Although many problems in marriage are things that can’t be fixed and have to instead be lived with, these are not some of those.
Bathing and brushing your teeth are problems that can be fixed. They have an easy solution. Neglecting them sends the message that you care more about your own comfort and convenience than you do about your spouse.
It also means that the two of you need to have open conversations about some basic hygiene issues. I know how serious these issues can be. One of my friends marriages started on their way to breaking up with these simple hygiene issues.
Those simple self-care issues metastasized into much bigger problems. The irritations turned into resentments.
Dealing with them early is important, so is developing healthy communication early on. This is where the 30 days to a healthy marriage program can help improve the communication in your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
