Do you have a tendency to jump before looking? I know I do. This tendency has ended up creating many problems for me.
Although it’s better now, there’s been times I’ve jumped into conversations and ended up embarrassing myself. In my mind it’s more about speaking before thinking.
My best friend Kirk often reminded me of a time I was visiting his home. During the visit, his mother brought out a chocolate cake. Being the kind hostess she was, she asked “Jeffrey, do you want some cake?”
At that moment, without thinking, I asked with sincerity “Is it good?” I could tell by the sudden stunned look that flashed across her face and how her eyes and mouth suddenly opened wide, that I made a mistake.
At that moment I would have failed in terms of what pop psychology calls ’emotional intelligence’ (or EQ).
She was quite surprised at my response. Kirk was surprised and ended up getting many years of laughter reminding me of the lapse in my thinking.
What no one ever considered was that although I eat chocolate, I am picky about the chocolate I eat. There are some kinds of chocolate that just don’t excite me. So in my mind, the question made sense, yet ended up creating some embarrassment at my social faux pas.
My other episodes followed a similar pattern. Some worse and some not as embarrassing. What they’ve taught me is that parts of my brain react faster than the part with good manners and social awareness.
Chances are that either you or your spouse have had such moments as well. Your brain reacts faster than is good for you or the situation.
When discussing the affair, it’s likely that either you or they had such a moment. In a flash, there’s a reaction or things are said that…amounted to jumping before thinking.
When that happens, you’re not always able to gracefully exit the situation. There are some things you can’t undo.
When fighting with your spouse, in a flash, you and the cheater react to each other. In those few moments, things are said and done you wish you could take back.
Although you can’t undo them, you can take steps focused on hacking your brain. There are ways of getting your brain to do things ‘differently’. This is critical in affair recovery.
Rather than just talk about being different, you can be different. You can’t change what happened, but you can change your reactions to it.
If you continue just reacting without thinking about what you’re saying or doing, it puts a toll on your marriage relationship.
Not only does it put a toll, it keeps recreating old problems. You’ll find yourselves fighting the same fight over and over.
Many of those old patterns can be changed and altered. You’re facing a new situation, which means you need some new ways of thinking about your marriage, your spouse and yourself.
My report on “Using Brain Hacks for Healing” will be going out to members of the Restored Lifestyle site on September 15. If this sounds like something that will help you, there’s still time.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
