The question “How many times should I forgive the cheater?” poses several issues.On the surface, such a question looks benign and simple.
In the Bible, when the question was posed as to how many times to forgive, the answer was given to “forgive seventy times seven“. I’ve often pondered how that works with cheaters.
Does that mean that you’re to forgive them for seventy times seven affairs? or is it seventy times seven episodes with the same lover?
Does this imply that your resentment toward the cheater will arise seventy times seven?
These are tough questions to consider.
Forgiving is more about letting go of the resentment. Letting go of the resentment/hurt/desire for revenge is VERY different than letting them back in your life or trusting them with your money, love or secrets.
Although you may have forgiven the cheater, that doesn’t mean that you allow them back into your life. Confusing forgiveness with reconciliation sets you up for many hurts.
When you confuse these two, you allow the cheater or abuser into your life to damage your heart again. Reconciliation involves letting them back into relationship with you.
You can forgive them, yet not allow them back into your life.
Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you trust them again. You can forgive, yet not trust them.
Trust is something that’s earned, while forgiveness is given. You aren’t a bad person in forgiving the cheater, yet unwilling to trust them.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you release the cheater from accountability. Holding them accountable is important.
They need being held accountable if you want any sanity in your relationship. They need accountability, they need boundaries.
Thinking that because you forgive them, that they are entitled to a blank check into your life and heart is a mistake on your part. It shows that you don’t have a clue about what forgiveness really is.
Being willing to let the cheater back into your life, back into your heart, and back into your family is not forgiveness. Allowing them back without them having to show that they are trustworthy, that they have repented, and that they have made changes is asking for trouble.
That’s foolishness plain and simple. They need clear boundaries until they have earned trust again.
Cheaters want you to confuse reconciling, trust and forgiveness. That way all they have to do is ask you to forgive them.
Since you have the three terms confused, they know that you will take them back and trust them again. They like the seventy times seven number.
They’ll use such passages combined with your ignorance about what forgiveness is to exploit you.They will use your guilt and ignorance against you.
They seek regaining their status and position without having to work for it. Being given position and status without having to have made any changes is asking for manipulation, abuse and irresponsibility.
Not only is giving the cheater status and position without having earned it, potentially trouble making, it is also crazy-making. Giving people responsibility and trust without them having earned it, creates a crazy-making situation.
It’s no wonder you feel like you’re going crazy with all the ways that simple words like forgiveness, and trust have been so twisted around and perverted into something unrecognizable.
“How many times should you forgive the cheater?” Plenty
“How many times should you let them back into your life?” Only after they have regained your trust, turned from their cheating and show a sincere commitment to your marriage.
If they’ve done these things, then you can choose letting them back into your life, if they haven’t done these things, the number of time you let them back in may be as low as zero, no matter how many times you have forgiven them.
If you need more help with understanding what forgiveness is and how it happens, the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” gives you answers. You can have confidence when dealing with forgiveness rather than remaining unsure what you just did and what it means.
Best Regards,
Jeff
