If you wonder why your therapist may view affairs as ‘no big deal’, it could be they don’t know any better. It makes it hard dealing with an affair in counseling when your therapist doesn’t take the affair as serious as you do.
I say ‘they may not know any better’ based on doing research into the area of infidelity. It has struck me that the topic of affairs is a real ‘double-standard’ item.
The problem is so bad that studies show a majority of therapist won’t likely consider the affair the main problem to work on if you go to therapy.
When a therapist writes about someone whose political or social views are the same as what they value, affairs are dismissed as a form of ‘stress management’, if they are mentioned at all.
It astounds me how some of the leading figures in psychology who had affairs are given a ‘free pass’. Rather than pointing out the dysfunction of affairs, they are dismissed as their form of ‘dealing with stress’.
In studying human behavior, the biases of the researcher comes through in what they write. Heroes are glorified and repainted in ways of excusing their misbehaviors.
When your therapist was in school, they read books by authors who each had their own social agendas. When affairs happened to those they liked, they were dismissed, or downplayed.
When affairs happened to those they disliked, the pathology and negative impact of the affair was addressed. Although the authors are supposed to explore those areas that can change marriage in a major way, politics twist major marriage changing events.
Your therapist may have been taught by teachers with double-standards. They may have mastered the material, yet when the material has such extreme biases, it has a ripple effect.
Those learning from biased persons have those biases transferred to them. Much like a parent influences their children, teachers and leading figures in the field of psychology have transferred their biases to many young therapists who took in what they were told without questioning it.
These biases are part of the reason that the research and writing done on affairs is problematic. Instead of affairs being viewed objectively, the ‘badness’ and negative impact depends on the politics of those having the affair.
Note how Jimmy Swaggert’s affairs were career ending, while those of Martin Luther King Jr. are rarely mentioned. Even though both men were pastors, how their affairs were dealt with varies widely.
Although Johnny Cash’s affair with June Carter made news, it was not the career ender that Gary Hart’s infidelity was. Perhaps besides politics, the vocation of the adulterer are also considered.
Gregory Bateson’s infidelities are rarely mentioned neither is his drinking, yet the rumors of Freud’s sex life and cocaine use are viewed as reasons to question his whole work. The double standards are astounding.
Cheaters are cheaters. If they made bad choices in one area, they did so in other areas as well.
When affairs are not dealt with objectively by those researching the topic and helping you, it’s no wonder that some therapists have confused stances on affairs. As long as their are double standards regarding how professionals deal with affairs, there will be mixed messages on how serious they are and how to deal with them.
If your marriage has been damaged from an affair, the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” is for you. You’ll know what to do, when to do it and how to say things in order to get the healing started in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
