One of the dangers of affairs occurs when you, the cheater and the lover become involved in a ‘drama triangle’. When this happens, the relationship dynamics get wild on several levels. The three of you will be swapping out the roles of rescuer, persecutor and victim. Each of you will find yourselves alternating between the roles, swapping one for the other, like a Marx brothers routine. When the roles are being switched like hats, it brings instability, chaos and drama.
One high profile couple, Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, have learned how to harness the power of the drama triangle, using it to enhance their political positions. The drama and energy that came from the Monica Lewisnky affair has been used to generate more media attention. For example, by putting attention on the lover and the cheater, the spurned spouse can assume the role of victim and harness the pity and attention that surrounds that position. When spun correctly the power of the drama can be used to manipulate the emotions of the public. The pity can be transformed into support as long as she can position herself as the ‘victim’. If Hillary shifts roles and becomes a persecutor, she is not as well liked. Look at the reactions from her “What difference does it make?” statement at the Benghazi scandal hearings when she was Secretary of State. Contrast that with how she was portrayed in rescuing her aide, Huma Abedin, when she had problems with Anthony Wiener. At that point, Hillary was rescuing Huma. The energy of each situation and the role she was in differs. Each situation brings out a different perspective on the same person. The drama triangle makes for titillating politics, yet can ruin your marriage.
In the case of the Clintons, the public nature of their affair situation amplifies the energy and drama of what happened. When you are in a position where you want the attention of the public, such energy and drama can be used to gain more press coverage. This happens with many Hollywood personalities as well as the Clintons. In professions where press coverage is important and you have a press agent, you can use the drama to gain attention. Although that energy can generate widespread press attention, that kind of energy can overload and destroy your marriage.
When the drama triangle brings chaos to your marriage, you do not have a political spin machine working for you. You will have to deal with the negativity that surrounds the persecutor position, the ‘hero’ accolades and karma associated with the rescuer and the pity that surrounds the victim. Each role has a different source of energy. Since the roles change so often, you may find yourself in a whole new world each morning you wake up. You may wonder where the relationship stands and what is needed. When the drama triangle occurs, the answer is different depending on which role you are in.
When the drama triangle emerges, it spawns many relationship games. These games keep communication confused. The games also lead to alliances and partnerships forming in order to combat the effects of the games. When two parties in the alliance begin ‘teaming up’, the drama intensifies further. When the drama grows too intense someone gets hurt or is forced out completely. The high drama of an affair may seem totally chaotic. In reality, much of the chaos can be explained with the drama triangle and the changes it brings when it forms. A great deal of the craziness is actually the switching of roles and the person playing the games associated with each role.
The drama triangle also brings tremendous energy. The danger is that the energy is usually of a negative type. When the energy is swirling around your family it can bring about intense fights, and intense passions in the sexual arena. The participants often do not understand the energy or how to deal with it. They just now that they are experiencing strong, intense feelings. When the surge of energy hits them, they are often unsure how to direct it. In some cases, it is used to fight and other cases, it becomes sexualized and turns into passionate love making, and in some cases, the intense surge is what mobilizes the parties to take some action.
Anytime you consider an affair or a threesome, you are inviting the possibility of a drama triangle developing within your marriage. Once it begins forming, you loose control, you loose your role and may even loose your marriage. Unfortunately, affairs and threesomes do not include a warning label that informs you of the dangers that can develop.
