Unless you’ve been living under a log or in the far corners of Appalachia, you’ve likely seen the bumper stickers with the single word, “coexist”. The sticker is filled with various symbols of different worship.
In pondering that sentiment, the question arises “Can you coexist with a cheater?”
Although on the surface, the message of ‘let’s just get along’ sounds good, there are some problems. If you’ve read the blog, you’ll see many heartbreaking responses from spouses struggling when it comes to living with a cheater.
The problem comes when the cheater still worships affairs. Cheaters continuing to idealize and desire their infidelity create problems. They view infidelity as their savior and what will cure their ills. For them, their needs are the center of their lives and cheating is a way to meet their needs. Everything revolves around them fulfilling their urges. Their need for the thrill and excitement that comes with cheating is seen as more important than you and your needs.
What about the spouse who wants to move on and rebuild their life? They don’t want to continue living with a cheater who continues chasing their desires. Coexisting with a cheater only sets the faithful spouse up for more pain. It also tells the cheater that their behavior is acceptable.
When a cheater worships affairs, their heart is not toward you and your marriage. This is what makes coexistence with that kind of cheater impossible.
I like a quote I came across. “You cannot save the damned who revel in their damnation”.
Their heart is toward someone else. Their focus is elsewhere. The object of their affection is on an alien lifestyle.
This is why when it’s time for affair recovery, there is no room for ‘coexistence’ with the lover and affairs in general. You have to hate affairs in all forms and fashions. You can’t have tolerance for them even in terms of watching shows making light of them.
When it comes to affairs, coexistence is surrender. There is no middle ground during affair recovery. Sure, there may be slips and backsliding, but that’s another matter. In such cases, the cheater is trying but failing which is very different from continuing in their cheating mindset.
If you think you can coexist with a cheater still bent on cheating, the two of you will live in separate worlds. One world will eventually take over and control the other.
This is why you can’t coexist with the cheating mindset. When the cheater still looks to infidelity for their meaning and purpose, there’s no place for your marriage.
During affair recovery, you need encouragement and direction. The video “Overcoming Affair Relapse” guides the two of you through that part of affair recovery as the cheater’s hear turns back home.
The no tolerance of cheating sounds harsh, but it’s necessary for a healthy marriage. It sounds harsh, but the realities you are facing are harsh ones.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
