At any given time, when dealing with an adulterer (or adulteress), there are two affair that need to be addressed. In confronting the affair situation, it is important to confront the actual affair and the ‘fantasy’ affair. The fantasy affair is the one imagined in their mind. When only one affair is addressed, the presence of the the other one can often serve as a trigger that keeps the desire for an affair alive.
Each affair has its own idiosyncracies. Each has set of emotional attachments that require confronting. In confronting affairs, one needs to bring to the cheaters attention what they are doing, how it impacts others, how their choices are impacting relationships with other people, and how it impacts their reputation. It is imperative to provide them with specific behaviors that they are exhibiting, or specific attitudes. Since you are having to break through a layer of denial, the items you are confronting them on need to be specific and not a matter of speculation. It is also important to let them know how it impacts you and your relationship with them. Since the cheater is often in a selfish mindset, they often have not considered how their actions impact others. While informing them of the impact, make sure that you tell them specifics of what you are feeling, and not make threats.
This process of confronting the affair will need to be done on the level of the physical affair and the fantasy affair. It is more challenging to confront the fantasy affair, yet it needs to be done as well. (e.g. when you daydream about that other woman, I feel… or when you are emotionally distant from me/when you shut me out, I feel…)
The cheater is often driven by the fantasy affair, yet this is the part of the relationship that they will resist being confronted on. Given that many hedonistic writers encourage the intense use of fantasy, they may feel that they are not doing anything wrong in maintaining the fantasy of infidelity.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
