There are times when I think new words and definitions are needed in talking about relationships. A word I think needs a new definition is ‘ghosting’.
Presently the word is used in either dealing with a haunting episode or when someone ignores or avoids you without any stated reason. Those episodes are both good, although I think a new application of the word is needed.
The ghosting I am talking about is when your spouse is having an affair with their dead ex or some fantasy figure. In such cases, you are competing against a specter. In such cases, no matter how you compete, you can be outdone by the ghost.
In these cases, the cheater is bonded to the ghost which is either someone who is no longer with this world or a fantasy version of someone. At those times, they are in love with a ghost.
Somehow, the ghost is always prettier than you, better at sex than you and ‘understands them’ better than you. Whatever variable you compare yourself to the ghost, the cheater thinks the ghost is better.
It’s frustrating being compared to such an apparition, since you there are no tangible points of comparison. The cheater constructed a scenario where you are designed to lose.
If it’s a dead spouse, the answer lies in them allowing closure to the relationship. The fantasy variation is not so easily ended. Either way, they are challenges. You may have to remind yourself about the futility of attempting to compete in such cases.
You may have to remind your spouse that they are married to you. At this point in time, you are holding them responsible for their marriage vows made to a ‘real person’. Getting them to such a point often takes a series of steps involving you being honest with them, and them accepting that honesty.
It would be nice if it were resolved with just a few talks. The reality is that it’s going to take more than just a few talks. Telling yourself the truth will need to become a way of life.
In the video, “Handling the Affair Crisis”, I explain what is involved in telling yourself the truth. Ghosting can have you wondering what is the truth.
Getting out of the ghosting situations starts with you getting yourself out first. Once you’re out, you can begin healing.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
