Perfectionists make me nervous. I had a family member who was a perfectionist. Anytime you visited her home, you felt as if you were under inspection and visiting a museum at the same time. No dust, no crumbs, everything in its place.
The word perfection is derived from the Latin “perfectio” which means “completeness.” A perfectionist strives for flawlessness and order. They are not satisfied with good enough or almost right; they want it just so, exactly as they think it should be.
Everything in her home was pristine, from the white carpet to the various dust-free objects on display. I don’t recall her ever saying “make yourself at home”.
The message was clear, this was her home and perfection was valued over comfort.
I liked her, yet visiting her was more akin to an examination than visitation. I felt like a museum guest rather than a visiting family member. In her home, everything had a place which was tagged, numbered and organized.
In museum fashion, she maintained a book listing all the numbered items, complete with description and value.
In such surroundings, everything is tense and follows proper protocol. There was no room to be human or make mistakes.
This brings me to affair recovery. I know you want recovery. In seeking it, ‘Is your main focus recovery or perfection?’
Do you find that despite how hard you try to do everything right, your world is still falling apart around you?
Do you worry all the time about what others might think if they discover your secrets?
Are you always looking for errors in yourself and others so that when something goes wrong, you have someone to blame it on?
If you’re expecting perfection for yourself or the cheater, you’re in for disappointments and tense relations. Recovery from an affair is messy. It also won’t go exactly like the books say it will.
What if, instead of trying to be perfect, you just try to do the best that you can. You forgive yourself for not being perfect. You accept that recovery is a journey and it will take time.
Instead of focusing on being perfect in your recovery, focus on the many small victories you have had since starting this process.
Real life has many steps both forward and backwards. Progress for real couples is filled with ups and downs.
I raise this question because many spouses expect perfection from the cheater. The cheater feels the performance anxiety in such cases. That anxiety brings more tension into your home.
Reality has many steps both forward and backwards. Progress for real couples is filled with ups and downs. It’s not smooth sailing but you can do it if you’re realistic about your expectations of the process.
This kind of expectation leads to the behavior becoming more important than the attitude. If the cheater is doing all the right things in terms of observable behavior, all is well.
What’s really important is their attitude and thinking. These determine what happens more than perfectly following behavioral prescriptions. It’s also important for recovery that you accept your spouse, even when they’re less than perfect.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop”, you’ll learn ways of opening up your communication and bypassing their defenses without the pressure that comes with expecting perfection. In the workshop, one of the topics addressed is expectations and how they impact your marriage.
When your focus is on recovery, both of you can feel better about your marriage and the direction you all are headed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
