Paradoxes fascinate me. There’s something about them I find intriguing. One paradoxical statement I encountered in family therapy is “the problem is not the problem, the problem is the solution.”
It’s one of those statements that you have to ponder and think through. On first glance, it seems contradictory or nonsensical, yet a deeper examination reveals the truth behind it.
Another paradox I am currently pondering is how “sexual liberation” for one spouse brings sexual bondage for the other. This is especially true with affairs.
This paradox is a two-sided coin. Liberation proclaimed on one side and the other is bondage. Two sides of the same coin.
With affairs, one of you want ‘sexual liberation’. In seeking out and fulfilling that liberation, you brings heartache and bondage to the other spouse. This is a paradox. When liberation brings bondage, it’s not really a liberation.
That kind of liberation is one-sided. It’s a selfish kind of liberation.
In previous generations, terms like whore monger or slut were used for those seeking this kind of ‘sexual liberation’. Those promoting it called it ‘free love’ or ‘non-procreative eros’, yet the bottom line is they were sleeping around.
That kind of behavior destroys the spirit of your marriage. Instead of your relationship being special, you are just another notch in their bedpost. You are the sexual conquest they decided to room with.
Their liberation destroys your emotional security. You are no longer special or secure. If it was liberation in the truest sense, it would bring a freeing up of both of you emotionally, relationally and so forth.
True liberation would bring a freshness and renewed vitality to both of you. It would also bring an openness in your relationship where you feel closer to each other while being yourselves. There would also be a deeper honesty.
If the cheater’s liberation didn’t bring those things, it wasn’t truly liberating. If anything their actions brought more irritation and frustration than liberation. That’s the paradox. What’s called ‘liberation’ brings anything but liberation.
If cheaters were honest, they would call it ‘sexual selfishness’ rather than liberation. Their indulgence is definitely more about self-indulgence than liberty.
It frees up many unpleasant feelings, including fear, insecurity, the desire for revenge, and betrayal. You don’t have more honesty, more love and more caring. The trade-off isn’t fair. It’s all one-sided, with the lasciviousness on one side and suffering on the other.
If you’ve been the victim of a cheater who sought ‘sexual liberation’, there’s hope. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” guides you in regaining your old self. It helps you calm yourself and pick up the pieces of yourself that have been scattered to the four corners.
Best Regards,
Jeff
