Several decades ago, in an effort of stopping the abuse of amphetamines, authorities used advertising in their war against drugs. One of the messages they took to the public was “speed kills!”
The simple message resonated with the population. It was simple, people understood it and it stuck in their minds. It was to the point.
Government authorities took advantage of that fact by disseminating this message on many levels: in newspapers, magazines, billboards and public service announcements (PSAs). They even showed videos at schools to spread this anti-drug message.
Although the message was catchy, it didn’t stop the drug problem.
Although the ad campaign is long gone, the ‘speed kills’ mantra stayed around. It was used for drugs and for traffic safety both.
If it was up to me, I’d make some adjustments for today’s marriages. My own version would be “Perfectionism kills!”
Perfectionism has ruined many marriages. It has ruined the lives of children as well.
I’m pretty sure that if I asked you to describe perfectionism, two words would come to mind: good and bad. Although it looks good, when you fail, it’s catastrophic. The pressure of living up to unrealistic expectations is crippling.
Those it hasn’t killed, it managed choking the enjoyment out of. Like a drug problem, many couples got hooked on the idea that they had to be perfect or have the perfect marriage to be loved.
They strive for the perfect marriage, live in a perfect house and try having a perfect family. Anything less than perfection they equate with failure. If they don’t have it all, their lives are meaningless. Perfectionists go through life feeling anxious and inadequate. They feel like a failure no matter how much success they accumulate or achieve.
Couples who live with perfectionism never enjoy each other’s company because of the constant pressure to be good enough for one another on an everyday basis. Even in the cases where perfection is reached, they feeling imperfect inside.
For them, it’s being perfect or failing with no middle ground.
If you’ve fallen prey to it, you thought that perfection would save your marriage or at least reduce the risk of an affair. Perfection doesn’t protect your marriage. If anything, it puts it at higher risk.
The pressure to perform is overwhelming. That pressure can end up pushing your spouse into considering an affair they wouldn’t do otherwise.
Not only that, there is the obsessional thinking that dominates their mind. Being perfect becomes like an addiction to them.
It takes a lot of work to get over an addiction like this one. It’s not easy getting help when your marriage or relationship has been all about being perfect and you’ve become addicted to that idea that it has to be perfect in order for there to be love.
When one or both of you hold to the idea of perfection, there is no room for being human. There’s no room for mistakes. There’s no being real. Marriage becomes a performance.
Perfectionism also brings with it extreme thinking. You are either all perfect or you’re a failure. It’s an all or none deal. There are no in-betweens.
In marriage, this creates a cycle of feeling guilty for not being perfect and that guilt disallows you from asking your partner for help so you think the failure is yours alone and the end result is resentment.
Like speed kills, perfectionism destroys marriages.
Your marriage focuses on being perfect with each other rather than being real or being loved. This is why perfect marriages are more at risk of affairs than the imperfect ones.
Recovery is another area where perfectionism can ruin things as well. Recovery from an affair has ups and downs. Recovery is not a straight smooth road. Here again, “Perfectionism kills!”
If you are wanting recovery from the affair as well as perfectionism, you need the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse“. The video guides you through the triggers, setbacks and challenges you face with affair recovery.
Your recovery isn’t going to be perfect or problem free. There will be problems and slips. How you deal with the setbacks and slips makes a huge difference.
Those setbacks don’t mean that recovery is a failure. It does mean some adjustments are needed or areas need to be talked about. Knowing what to expect helps you handle these challenges.
If you expect a perfect affair recovery, you’re putting your marriage at risk.
Affair recovery is a day by day adventure. Some days go smooth, some are rocky and NONE are perfect. What’s important is that you start recovery rather than waiting on perfection or giving up because you aren’t perfect.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
