When an affair is dropped into your lap, it can be overwhelming. All of the sudden you find yourself overloaded with questions, emotions and challenges. The very time you need your spouse, you can not readily access them. You are not even sure where your relationship with them stands.
In these times of being overwhelmed, your thinking and behavior may revert to your mental pre-sets. Without thinking, you may want to punish or hurt the cheater for what happened. When you are overwhelmed, you likely push everyone away. Although the pushing away is a pre-set response to being overwhelmed, when you do it after an affair, you may be pushing your spouse away.
This puts you in a weird place. You want the cheater to come back to you, yet you find yourself doing things that push them further away. In some cases, it is intentional, other times, it is accidental or the ‘pre-set’ responses doing their thing.
So when you are in this weird place, what to you do. The surprising answer is in following Curly’s advice from The Three Stooges. Do the ‘unexpected’. In this case, try “pulling” when everyone else is pressing.
As odd as it sounds, it is during this time that doing things that pull your spouse towards you is what you need. Instead of saying and doing things that “press or push” them away, do things that draw them closer. This means you may have to do something out of the ordinary in order to change the pre-sets of your unconcious reactions. Instead of punishing the cheater any chance you get, think in terms of what will make them want to be near you. What will make them want to come back?
Chances are they are having some enjoyable times with their lover. They know what is right and what is wrong. What they need is something to pull them back into their marriage with you. You need to give them an excuse to leave the affair behind. You may need to remind them of what is important, instead of punishing their bad choices.
Additionally, when you “Press or push” them, simple physics tells you that they will push back. There will always be a reaction. The harder you push, the more push back you will experience. This is the law of physics that states for every action, there will be equal and opposite reaction. This happens more with the push than the pull. So instead of pushing them away, think first. Try pulling them instead of pressing them.
If you want things to change, you may have to do things different. That is part of the genius of Curly. He was always willing to do the unexpected. If you can practice this one odd lesson from Curly, it may help save your marriage, rather than you pushing away your spouse.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
6 Responses
Hi Jeff
Amusing video reference😆woooowooowooo!
I have found over the years that it is the condition of the heart that draws or shuns when it comes to unequal yoke or unbelievers attitude formed from the influences of the world about those who are born again and following Jesus Christ
Noting what Jesus gave His Word about he way believers and unbelievers would be like oil and water in close relationship
Marvel not if the world hate you they hated me before they hate you
It was how those who resisted and rejected Him
He caused them to sense the contrast of the spirit He is of and the one of those of this world or still dead in trespasses and sin
There is only so much anyone can do when a spouse lives for the world he flesh and responds to every thought that enters their mind without concern for the consequences
Measuring every thought with the Word of truth is he command to believers to stay on course with the narrow way of life
Those who have no interest in having a conscience exercised by he way Jesus told us to do as believers will not enjoy being in a marriage no matter how accomodating
Lust is never satisfied
We are not called to compromise on the Word
Any choice of any other is workable
Zaza,
The condition of the heart is definitely key when it comes to drawing your spouse in or pushing them away. As you said, “the condition of the heart that draws or shuns when it comes to unequal yoke or unbelievers attitude formed from the influences of the world about those who are born again and following Jesus Christ” .
You have definitely struck some chords with that statement. It takes away the excuses the “unequally yoked” bunch often uses in justifying their sanctimonious profligacy. It also underscores the communication principle in I John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.”
You are also correct in noting that “Lust is never satisfied”. This statement becomes very striking when you realize that lust is behind many of the addictive processes that involve doapamine. They want MORE, MORE, MORE. Even when physically exhausted and depleted…it wants more.
You made some significant statements regarding people of differing worldview a which indeed effects the attitude of what is going to be not only doable we it what is right and profitable
Those two aspects of worldview have huge impact upon quality of life and destination eternally
Once born from above aka born again
We are new creatures but the difference does it come about in manifestation I every aspect of how we live
How we think impacts our life and so we are instructed as believers to “be not conformed to Tia wooed but to be transformed by the RENEWING of ours MINDS that we may prove what is that good and acceptable will of God”
That “proof ” is internally experienced as we obey the Lord in this holding the truth of His word in mind in every thought
Thought life determines how our lives are directed
As God instructs believers to mortify their members and bring every thought to the obedience to Christ
The perspective of a believer is ever being transformed to he image of Christ by way of this God commanded process bringing the true identity of the new creation of Christ into manifestation in the way a believer who obeys this command into every way they think and live under the authority of their Lord who earned the right to direct us
If we refuse to do this then there are only two options left to a person
To live by their flesh and the opinions of the world This not proving all things of God and living far below the positional life Christ offers any and all who come to Him
The way of victory is won in this life’s span walk by applying His Word in all situations which is called “living by faith”
His faith is what is received by way of hearing and hearing by he WORD of God in those who receive the Word of God with meekness
To of of and abandon the consuming of the word of God is to allow he devil to play games in the life meant to honor God whose Son loved and died so that we might escape the clutches of such a loser as satan who presently seems to have deceived those Christ died for as they scoff and mock due to ignorance of the Truth
How sad that many exchange the truth for some method or formula on effort to have a changed life
Many actually do develop excellent skips but often I doing so do not realize the loss of true LIFE
Gaining trhe whole world and losing ones soul is not just a nice platitude
We are all born dead in trespasses and son and in need of being born from again of the spirit of God through Jesus Christ
Marriage is Gods creation and He has defined it from Genesis
There are those who have worked tirelessly over many years to discredit and deny the origin of Gods Word and all Gos created
So what! Those who have not the spirit of God may know words but lack the humility to ask GOD to reveal the truth if His words to them
So what authority so they claim?
Mans credentials will mean nothing before a holy God
His instruction to stand before Him unashamed? 2 Tim 2:15 Study to show yourself APPROVED UNTO GOD a workman that needeth not to be ashamed into God rightly dividing the Word of Triuth”
What does a dead man know of God and His intent ?
It is the spirit of God I the believer which He said will guide us into all truth which is HIS WORD
Therefore any couple will do well to heed the instructions toward not just a better marriage relationship with wach other but will a true and living partner in all of life with the Lord who gave Himself for whomsoever wills to come to Him and humble themselves to Him and learn of Hom FROM HIM
Oh how much we miss in all parts of life when we fail to understand how He wants to give us wisdom and life now and eternally
No other name under heaven whereby we must be saved than Jesus Christ
The spirit of Christ Jesus exposes sin and carnal lives … The contrast of the spirit living in or influencing a person either draws them to Christ and those who love Him in truth or repels them as even without a word the anti Christ spirits that work in the unregenerate thoughts will remove or encourage separation
The scripture speak of unbelievers who will separate the believers FROM themselves
They reject the follower of Christ oftentime convinced by mental lies unchallenged that the believer is the problem
We are not perfect but the view of those who serve random thoughts will be against or find fault and focus upon what may or may not be a real issue in the believer and refuse to communicate
This is the case with those who seek to justify their behavior instead of working through as believers are to learn to practice in their walk learning to deal with anything by way of referring to scripture to learn how to work through
This is a lifetime of learning and growing
When I married I had been through years of this kind of relating and getting along amidst the body of believers throughout the nation as I traveled in ministry
My downfall was to accept my husband’s profession and short demonstration of his sincerity
He was so nice and even as I recognized his need to mature on the faith I did not realize the necessity to observe a testimony of his having been through some trials and tests
I was on ministry that assured us that any two believers could make a great marriage
I did NOT get the obstruction of how to identify the depth and strength of the intention to continue to learn and grow
Once married the depth of commitment to Chrsit and me slowly began to manifest as more based upon flesh and lust and self and less and less teach ability and humility to God to study the Word to learn
My husband has a lot of great ability and talent in the world and soon it appeared that he did not think he could learn anything from anyone teaching Bible
His heart turned to commerce and ladder climbing
God ,me and later our family were somewhat sidelined and warehoused
Very nice “warehouses” followed but hey we’re a hollow refuge as all he bought for us was for me to maintain as well as the raising and obstruction of our children
I loved this “gift” of time to be home and teach our children but the dream and understanding of marriage and family I got from the Bible and my husband’s frequent and verbose sharing of what he thought life and marriage would be was far different than what he demonstrated as his work and other people and activities took his heart away
I would encourage him to consider what he was missing out on and how so did not get married to do everything and go every where alone
He would dose in his chair
I realized after Dday he was tired not from work but from his having soent the evening not hard at the office or on appointments but at the OW s place and coming home had his SHOWER
That’s one before sex
One after
And then one at home
Except when he walked in still damp and claimed he had been at the club and showers there !
His dual life still is appalling to me but a good demonstration of how those who reject the aaviour are taken captive by the devil as sin ongoing and unconfessed opens the mind to thoughts which encourage further captivity to any idea that comes into the mind and is not submitted to the Lords words
Scripture identifies how God views things if he world that lure the heart away
“What is highly esteemed among men is an abomination to God”
Don’t remember the reference but then those who care may want to read it in context and looking up things in scripture is good for us!ðŸžðŸ·
WOW ! Between fat thumbs typing on itty bitty cell keyboard….auto correct and allergy eyes I see now as I reread what I posted how messed up my intended words got mangled!
Much of it was hilariously mistyped!
I hope it is decipherable
Once written it is hard for me to roll the post back to proof read for some odd reason
Sorry about that but what I wrote is true to point anyway
Happy reading folks!😱
Zaza,
I understand very well. For that reason, I avoid writing emails or responding to blog comments on my phone. I have learned the hard way that the laptop is the best way to do some things.
This is especially true when it comes to formatting and line spacing. That is often a challenge on a cellphone.
Thanks for understanding
I am out of town and do not have my laptop with me and have no other options right now
Vexing though it is I still felt I wanted to share
Keep up the good work Jeff
People coming here are so in need of your compassionate voice🌻