A phrase I have found helpful over the years is that “you find what you are looking for!” This is true in many
areas of life and especially in the aftermath of an affair. Phrasing the dilemma as a question will get you thinking about the choices you make and how you react to the cheater.
In the aftermath of the affair, you will decide whether you want love or punishment. You will decide whether you will allow your spouse back into your life or ‘make them pay’. Some of you may try to do both, although that is a difficult feat to accomplish.
When you ‘make them pay’, there are always consequences. Many times those consequences are unintentional. In making them pay, you may end up pushing them away totally. You feel good in unleashing on them either directly or indirectly, but at the end of the day, they are gone and you are alone.
“Making them pay” is also about revenge and hurt. There is nothing attractive and would encourage them to return to you when you are filled with vengeance and pain. When they have a lover who accepts them and you want to make them pay, which will they find more attractive.
Punishment sounds harsh, and it often is. Although you may try hiding your true feelings, they will come out. If there is a part of you that desires lashing out at your spouse, they will know it. Just as you sense what is in their heart, they sense what is in yours as well.
How you treat and talk to your spouse sends them messages. Although you may craft your words, what is communicated will be what is in your heart, be it for good or bad. Be it for love or punishment. Those comments and things you do, are they ‘in love’ or under the influence of another force?
What is even more destructive to relationships is when you ‘say’ you love them, yet with your acts, you punish them. The mixed message confuses them. They do not know which message you are actually trying to convey. Do you want them them closer to you or are you trying to push them away? The stronger message is the one that they will respond to. You may be damaging the relationship that means so much to you.
I understand that you are going through worlds of pain and hurt. That pain and its source will need to be addressed. Using the energy of that pain to punish your spouse is not a constructive use for it. If anything, it is destructive. Unleashing the energy of your pain in the form of punishment often releases more energy than you intended. It also destroys most everything it touches.
Much like the affair changes the brain of the cheater, so does revenge. Revenge changes your brain, it will change your heart.
Unleashing your pain on them in the form of punishment also poisons the relationship. It will change your marriage. If you do get them back, you may have ended up destroying any sensitivity. Their motivation for returning home may be more fear of punishment than loving or desiring you.
When you are trying to motivate your spouse to return home, you need to consider the ‘curb appeal’ of your heart. What are you doing that would make your spouse want to return to you? If you have installed a moat, complete with alligators, and deterrents, they will get the message. If you make your heart inviting, there is a greater likelihood of their return.
When you have a moat and other deterrents, you may be making a return to you a form of punishment. Unless you and your spouse are into S&M, such deterrents are a turn off. You want to attract them, not repel them. Punishment has a repelling or push away effect.
So before you act or speak that snippy little remark to your spouse, consider what you are looking for, love or punishment.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
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