In working with couples recovering from affairs, one of the topics that often comes up is ‘the secret‘. Although I hear plenty of talk about ‘the secret’ or ‘keeping something secret’ from your spouse, I realize that there are some serious misunderstandings about it.
Many of the couples I work with are clueless when it comes to discovering the real secret of the affair. They spend hours chasing after the wrong secret.
When the topic of ‘the secret’ comes up, the assumption is that it’s referring to the affair. It would be convenient if that was the case. If ‘the secret’ consisted of discovery of the affair, then once that information is in the open, everything should be fine.
The truth is that disclosure of the affair doesn’t make everything fine. Although that secret is revealed, both of you are still hurting and still feeling unsatisfied by it.
You were hoping that once the secret was exposed, things would be better. With there being no change, it should tell you that it was the wrong secret.
Your dissatisfaction is one of the indications that the existence of the affair is not ‘the secret‘ that’s creating problems in your marriage. Talking about it only starts the two of you into your recovery journey.
What you thought was the secret doesn’t bring you much relief at all. If it was the ‘real’ thing, it would have brought some change if not some relief. This is one of those tricky things about affairs.
Somehow you’ve been distracted from the real issue needing your attention and focus. Like an illusionists distractions, your attention was diverted somewhere else while the real action took place.
In the case of affairs, the real secret is the damaging effect of the affair. When that secret gets talked about and admitted to, things get very real, very fast.
When you discuss this one with your spouse, you’ve hit on something that when it’s discussed and resolved brings a sense of relief.
For me, dealing with secrets that bring relief and significant change makes more sense that chasing after those that only keeps the conflicts going.
If you’re looking for a place with clear direction and answers, consider joining the Restored Lifestyle membership site. There you’ll find articles, private places to talk and videos that guide you through the confusion of affair recovery.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
