You may have experienced frustration in getting your spouse to talk to you. Healthy conversations involve give and
take. If you tend to want to be the one ‘giving’ by filling up all the time with what you have to say, there may be little room for your spouse.
Yes, they cheated. If you want to get them back, then you need to make space for them.
This includes making space in conversation and at the home. If you tend to be a talker, you may be sending a message that there’s no room for them in your life. You may actually be pushing them out the door rather than putting out the welcome mat inviting them back.
If you’ve already said what was on your mind once, repeating it often only makes matters worse, unless your spouse asks for a repeat of what you said. If they did not ask for a repeat, then you are likely spinning your wheels. If they tuned you out the first time, what makes you think that they are listening this time?
A true statement about these talks is that they will put as much effort into listening to you as you put into listening to them. People are basically selfish. When you put forth a serious effort at listening AND UNDERSTANDING them, in most cases, they will put forth some effort to listen and understand you.
If all your effort is on delivering what you have to say, and little effort is made in listening to them, you’ll send a message that YOU are important and that they’re not. There may be times you feel that way, yet if you’re working at getting them to talk to you or come back, you may need to shift your emphasis onto listening. Is that really the message you want to be sending to them?
Listening is a key way of showing people that they are important.
For more ideas the video “We Need to Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” guides you through ways of opening up your marital communication.
Best Regards,
Jeff
