Many cheaters use exaggerations as a way to dealing with their own conscience. They take one or two factual truths and decorate them with embellishments.
Dealing with Exaggerations <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here with me today. We’re going to be dealing with the topic of dealing with exaggerations today.
This is important because cheaters often use exaggeration as a way of dealing with their own conscience. It frustrating and infuriating when you’ve got to hold a conversation with them and they are blowing everything so out of proportion.
Many times the way that they blow it out of proportion they oftentimes exaggerate the bad about their relationship with you, and they exaggerate the good of the relationship with the lover.
In doing so, they take one or two little factual truths and then they decorate them with all kinds of embellishments. This decorated truth is oftentimes so out of context and so exaggerated it’s unrecognizable.
It’s not just the cheater that does this. You may be dealing with exaggeration from other sources as well. A lot of times the cheater’s support network, it may be their friends, it may be family members of the cheater that are doing this as well.
Essentially the story line is that the cheater is equated with being good, and the non-cheater is equated with being bad. These little incidents are taken so out of context and so exaggerated they just reinforce those ideas, to where the cheater is portrayed as being so miserable when they are in their relationship with you and they’re so happy when they’re in the relationship with the lover.
We’ve got to have a way to deal with that. The solution is going to be to counteract the exaggeration. In counteracting the exaggeration the steps, the steps that you can take.
- Don’t assume that the meaning of what is said is mutual. What I mean by that, the words that they are using and the spin that they’re putting on them is oftentimes very different from what you take the meaning to be. For example, if the cheater says that I’ve been unhappy in our marriage, ask them what they mean by unhappy and what the story is behind that. Many times in their mind they use a word like unhappy and that means almost like being in a torture chamber that has been a living hell for them to live with you and that you are always nagging them, that you are always finding fault with them. So when they say they’re unhappy find out what they mean.
In your mind when you hear that they’re unhappy that may mean that okay, so you fixed them a couple of meals that they didn’t like. Or you weren’t happy with the way they cut the yard one time. Or you said something about a dress that they wore once.
Which is a far cry from the exaggeration that’s going on in their mind.
When you hear these common words, be willing to ask them what do you mean by that. In their language, don’t assume just because they’re using common words that the meaning they are attaching to it is the same thing that you are attaching to it.
Find out what they mean, rather than operating on a lot of assumptions.
2. It’s important that you clarify what you say and hear. For this one, some examples. Like when you’re talking to the cheater you may have to tell them what I hear you say is . . . What I mean by that is . . . And this is to make sure that what you heard the cheater say, that what you’re understanding it to be, is on the same wavelength.
And likewise when you say something, if you add that what I mean by this is, fill in the blank, that will help clarify the communication.
Because with exaggeration everything is being taken out of context. The way to counter it, you’re going to have to put it back in context. You’re going to have to go out of your way to do this.
If you’re not dealing with someone who is exaggerating you may not have to resort to these techniques, but if you are dealing with someone who’s exaggerating these are going to be the ways to essentially let the air out of the balloon of the exaggeration and bring them back down to earth.
3. Don’t commit or agree to things that you are not clear on in terms of what was said and its meaning. Because a person who is prone to exaggerating they will get you to make commitments, make agreements, that in their mind what you’re agreeing to is far different than what you thought you were agreeing to.
Before you say yes you may do this, or agreeing to whatever type of situation that you’re agreeing to, make sure that you are clear in your own mind what you’re agreeing to. When you say that it’s okay for you to take the kids this weekend you want make sure that they are not taking the kids out of the country.
You want to make sure that they are not taking the kids over to the lover’s house. You want to clarify a lot of those things.
These steps are not necessary if you’re not dealing with an exaggeration-prone person, but they are essential if you are dealing with an exaggeration-prone person.
I’m going to go over these three things that you can do to counteract the exaggeration, because you’re going to have to get these into your head. You may have to listen to this podcast a couple of times to make sure that you’re clear on it.
One, don’t assume the meaning of what is said is mutual. Be willing to question them, even on simple words, as to what that means.
Two, clarify what you say and what you hear. The hearing is going to be what you hear from them, the saying is what you say. This almost serves like a double-check to make sure that it’s understood both ways. This essentially puts boundaries on the exaggeration to keep it from being taken out of context.
And likewise, don’t make commitments or agree to things that you are not clear on. Make sure that you are very clear on it. I’m not going so far as to say make sure that you have it in writing before you agree to it, but you need to have some kind of verbal agreement as to what it is that you are committing to.
Otherwise with a cheater who’s prone to exaggerations you may find what you thought you were agreeing to is far different than what they thought.
These are things that you can start working on even now to start counteracting the exaggerations that often happen with affairs. I encourage you to do so because you didn’t get in this mess overnight and you’re not going to get out of it overnight. It is going to take work to get out of it.
Exaggerations are often part of the fantasies surrounding the affair. In the ebook, “Why He Cheats“, I go into detail about the role of fantasy in affairs along with ways of dealing with it.
If you’re at a loss as to what to do, the ebook guides you in moving past this part of affair recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
