In previous posts I addressed denial and its impact. I don’t think denial is addressed enough.
When you encounter denial, it feels like you hit a solid wall. Although you see the destruction of the affair and the pain it caused, the betrayer doesn’t. They don’t get how it hurt you. They may not even get that why it bothers you so much.
At such times, it’s not that the cheater is dumb or ignorant. Denial keeps them from seeing such things. It’s not an intellectual block, but an emotional one. Denial is a defense mechanism that keeps them from having to face the reality of what happened and how it hurt you.
So how can we deal with denial?
Had they seen everything at the time of the affair, including the damage it would cause and pain it brings, they likely wouldn’t have done what they did, unless it was an exit affair.
If they did see everything at that time, then the damage was intentional and malicious.
In having worked with addicts and cheaters, there are blinders on them about the damage and pain. They are well acquainted with their own pain. It’s the pain of others that they don’t fully grasp.
They may pay it lip service, which is a mental awareness, yet they don’t have the emotional awareness of the pain.
As the denial starts going away, they start grasping an awareness of the pain and how their choices impacted others. It’s like a curtain being slowly raised, with the awareness coming a little at a time.
Don’t be surprised when they suddenly realize that the affair hurt other people, including you, which is something you’ve known all along.
They may mentally know you’re hurt, but not understand the full extent of your hurt. That kind of awareness starts growing when they start letting go of their selfishness.
It would be nice if denial went away all at once. It would make my job easier.
Instead it goes away a little at a time. Like vision slowly coming into focus, denial clouds their ability to understand and goes away gradually.
This is where my video on “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” comes in. Inside the video, I go into the changes needed for the cheater as they start coming to grips with the impact of what they did.
Click and download your copy today. It helps open the cheater’s eyes to how what they did ended up hurting a wide circle of people, and that they aren’t the only ones in pain.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
