When the cheater makes “The Shift”, it’s a sure sign trouble is coming. “The Shift” is when their thinking shifts from focusing on you to them.
The cheater goes from being concerned with what is best for the both of you, and the marriage to what is best for them alone. Instead of expressing love in terms of what is best for you or the both of you, they instead focus on what is in it for them.
Their own happiness and gratification begins taking precedence over the marriage or you.
Shifts in thinking like this are followed by changes in their behavior. If you do not see the changes right away, they will come.
You’ll see the old saying “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” being played out in front of you. What they’re thinking will be followed with actions.
The shift is not just a change in focus. It’s also a total change in orientation. They are no longer looking at the external. They are interested in the internal.
For the cheater, the ‘internal’ is what they feel, what they think, and what makes them happy.
At that point, they make themselves a ‘god’ to be worshiped and adored by admirers. When they are in this ‘god’ mode, they don’t listen to outside authorities, or what others think.
While in this mode, they make the law. They decide what’s right.
They decide what is reasonable.
They determine what’s fair.
Since they’re making the determination and rules, you’ll find it frustrating dealing with them.
They’ll block or contradict any attempts at holding them accountable. While in this ‘self-god’ mode, they are judge, jury and executioner rolled into one selfish person. In their mind, they are the god and you are not.
The shift is not just a temporary phase. When the cheater makes the shift, they are operating in a different paradigm.
They look at the whole world through new eyes, using personal self-defined standards and measures. It’s a sign that they’ve changed their morals.
The shift signals that they’ve changed the moral system that they are operating under. If they’re not happy, then things are wrong. If they’re not happy, and you’re the cause, then you’re wrong.
What does this mean? It means that once a cheater makes ‘the shift’, you will need to change your approach in dealing with them. Talking to them in terms of right or wrong will likely yield little results.
You’ll have to counter their emotional reality with your own emotional reality. You’ll have to engage them emotionally, since intellectually they have shifted.
Once they’re engaged emotionally, you can start dealing with them. If you try dealing with them before they are engaged, you’ll be ignored or dismissed.
If you want more understanding of the cheater’s mind, the ebook, “Why He Cheats” goes into more depth. It’ll help you determine whether it’s an affair or a sexual addiction, understand the role of fantasy and much more.
Best Regards,
Jeff
