When the secret of the affair comes out, there’s often a mad scramble between you and the cheater. Each of you rushes out telling your side of what happened.
The cheater seeks out those sympathetic in efforts at justifying what they’ve done, portraying themselves as the ‘victim’ . You seek support in dealing with a cheater who violated their marriage vows to you.
When cheaters cover ‘all their bases‘, making sure they spin the affair to where they look like the victim, you’re dealing with a propaganda campaign.
Propaganda campaigns aren’t interested in the truth.
They are interested in managing the talking points. These campaigns are about selling one side of a story. It doesn’t matter if its true, what matters is whether its’ plausible.
They want to have a consistent story. If the cheater was truly interested in the truth, there wouldn’t have been an organized effort at controlling the spin regarding the affair.
When you’re caught up in an organized propaganda campaign, you feel isolated and alone. This is the intended effect.
This is the first stage of the cheater’s game. In some cases, they come up with this themselves, although most of the time, there’s someone coaching them on such actions.
When this happens, the real troublemaker/homewrecker is who is coaching them. This means that the homewrecker could be someone other than the lover.
Cheaters are often too caught up in the ‘affair fog’ to think clearly or plan. Planning and thinking clearly are required in organizing such a propaganda campaign.
While they’re caught up in the ‘affair fog’ they’re easily manipulated and controlled. While they’re easily controlled, lovers and lawyers exploit their condition. They use their suggestibility to their advantage.
Lawyers exploit the situation as preparation for divorce. They know that if everyone is told the same story and is on the same page, the situation is manageable and controlled.
When lawyers do it, they are driven by a self-righteous “it’s in the best interest of my client” mentality. They’re not viewing things in terms of right or wrong, only what is in the cheater’s best interest along with what makes them the most money.
The more legal questions stirred up by the affair means the more money for them.
Lovers use control as a way of isolating you and getting you out of the picture. They know that if they can cut you off from the marriage support network that it makes their work of taking over much easier.
Whoever is behind the spin is working to generate a consensus, which is often “the cheater is the victim and you are bad” story line. Although there are some variations, the basic story line is one of portraying you in a negative light while stirring up sympathy for the cheater.
When an organized propaganda campaign is going on, your best weapon is truth. Allowing shame or secrecy to keep you from saying anything only allows the propaganda to grow stronger.
You’ll need to keep your sense of right and wrong intact, rather than getting bogged down into ’emotional realities’ or what is in the best interest of others.
Part of highly organized propaganda campaigns includes shifting the basis of decision to another standard. They start talking about ‘best interest’ or ‘deserving to be happy’ rather than what is right or wrong.
In the downloadable program “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I address dealing with challenges like this. Rather than being caught off guard, you can know what to say, what to do and which topics to bring up.
Improving your marriage shouldn’t include deprogramming the propaganda as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff
