Back in the late 1980’s while working in a psychiatric hospital, I had the pleasure of engaging in some fascinating conversations about affairs. One of the more interesting ones was when I was talking with Jack Manuel about whether or not cheaters were stupid or evil.
We discussed situations where either stupidity or evil prevailed. What was clear is that there are distinctive differences. In the case of stupidity, the cheater made some poor choices and ended up in an affair.
The cheaters didn’t consider any of the consequences. They were just plain stupid.
In the case of evil affairs, the cheater knowingly has an affair, being fully aware of the potential damage and consequences. With evil affairs, the cheater seeks out an affair, knowing that it brings change and hurt with it.
With the evil affair, the cheater either thinks they are immune to the consequences or that they are wanting the consequences. What makes them ‘evil’ is that they know what will happen and they do it anyway.
The conversation continued as we discussed the ramifications of stupid versus evil affairs and what type of spouse would be more likely to fall into each category. We discussed if men were more prone to one and women to the other. Back then discussing affairs was much simpler.
These days, you have strange artificial categories of things like “Consensual Non-Monogamous Relationships” or “CNM’s”. The professor who ‘discovered’ this new category of relationships treats it like a new revelation. In my mind, it’s nothing more than a new name for an ‘affair’.
(CNM’s are ‘temporary relationships outside of marriage. For example, your marriage may have a three time limit on the number of times you can have relations with someone, before it is considered non-consensual. It amounts to a ‘hall pass with an expiration number’).
I suppose that with this new discovery, there will be books and intellectual property claims about the newly discovered relationship status. It certainly makes things more complicated than the old question of whether a cheater is being stupid or evil.
What is clear is that whether you are dealing with a stupid cheater, evil cheater or some weird variation of ‘CNM’ relationship, you’ll eventually have to address the issue of forgiveness.
Some affairs will be easier to forgive than others. When you get into evil type of affairs, they can be so twisted that it defies human imagination.
Changing the name of what you call an affair isn’t a new phenomena. It doesn’t take the sting out of betrayal. Name changes also don’t remove responsibility for bad choices.
When you’re ready to consider forgiveness, the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” provides you with the guidance you need for this part of your journey. Knowing how to do it makes forgiving more effective and longer lasting.
Just click the link, fill out the form, and in minutes, you’ll be starting the next step in your affair recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
8 Responses
With great priviledge comes great responsibility
Israel as a nation created by God to receive the covenants He instituted as a people through which the World would have been blessed to have a relationship with Him had they received their Messiah when He came as the suffering servant have been set aside as God instituted the mystery reveal to Paul as apostle to the Gentiles
The nations of the Sorld have now the opportunity to be saved through believing the gospel of salvation by faith and no works ….based upon the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross …His death and shed blood fully qualifying any who will to believe the gospel revealed to Paul the apostle to the Gentiles ….saved by faith alone without the law
The Gentiles of nations had no covenant through which to have a relationship with God before Israel rejected their Messiah as a nation
Now the dispensation of Grace offers a great privilege to all who will receive the gospel Paul preached to be saved from the wrath of God by Jesus full satisfaction for sin required by the Holy God whose plan and desire is for all men to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth
God is not a liar and His promises to Abraham and Israel will come to pass after the church of the Body of Christ is fulfilled and removed …the program of the covenant with Israel will resume to the completion of the purging of the world and the establishment of the earthly kingdom promised to Israel under the rule of the Lord Jesus Christ Himself as recorded throughout the portions of the Word addressed to Israel
So today in this age of the dispensation of Grace God is not judging or punishing sin but is offering mercy and grace to anyone who will receive the gospel of salvation through Jesus Christ
This span of time requires faith in the finished work of Christ …. o works TO BE SAVED ….no rituals
Yet as members of the Body of Christ there are commands to study to show ourselves approved unto God ..workman that need not to be ashamed RIGHTLY DIVIDING the Word of Truth…inorder to carry out the ministry of reconciliation by way of knowng the Word of reconciliation
God had purpose for His people ….the Corinthians took advantage of the freedom they had by acting according to the flesh and living by their flesh which is to be reckoned dead ….to live unto Christ
The renewing of the mind according to what we have in Christ as believers is importnant as through the knowledge of the truth of what we have been given we recognize the deadly results of living according to lusts of the flesh…defeating the growing up into all we have been provided in Christ
The hindrance of ignorance of the things offered to us through Jesus Christ is actually deadly as it turns the believer who follows after sinful thoughts and performs according to the old man mindset from following after the things which deliver themselves from being slaves to sin and from having a godly impact upon others by way of learning what their lives are to be in service to God by way of sharing the gospel given to Paul
Eventually all will stand before a holy God to give account for what things done in the flesh either according to the instruction in righteousness 2 Tim :16 or according to the dead flesh of the old man
All are given such priviledge by God today that his patient and long suffering as He awaits more to come to the knowledge of salvation faith is going to render many ashamed before him for not having walked in the way of truth that He has genriusky provided
This refusal to walk in the newness of life and neglect of study of the scriptures to learn how to rightly divide will render shame as those who might be saved by Grace must observe their works or fruit reduced to ashes yet saved
Our heavenly home will be ordered and have functions that will be determined by our response in love to God which are those things we did in our lives as a response to salvation
The priviledges we have are so great that we do have a resonsability to learn what He would have us to know by the least response to do what 2 Tim 2:15 commands us today
Not saved by works of the law but priviledge does to take part in the ministry of reconciliation ….to contend for the faith not use our freedom for sinful and selfish indulgences …we are not our own but have been bought with a price to serve not men but God according to His program today …not traditions of men and religious systems
These truths are not hidden. It many will perish for believing that what they do doesn’t matter
What is “evil” is often cloaked I. What looks religious or “good” while people who know better lose their way believing the world system of deceitful ideas
The wages of sin is death and Jesus death and shed blood paid in full that debt none could pay but to apply His forgiveness for sin to our lives we have to receive the right doctrine of salvation and go on to grow up in it to avoid damage to the name of Christ ….damage to others and damage to ourselves in this world
Today the God of our hope is not punishing sin but consequences are plenty harmful and the prince of the power of the air lives to encourage the distraction of lives among those who don’t know the truth of how to submit to God and resist the devil in order to slay oppression of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye and the pride of life to live a victorious life through Christ as Lord
Shudder to think the outcome among those who don’t know the gospel given to Paul and especially thos who claim Christ and go on to dismiss the necessity to live life without harming themselves and others by way of infidelity unabated !
Zaza,
I’m not sure how your response connects with the post. Perhaps you could clarify. It’s not clear to me.
Lust I refuted opens the door to accepting prompts and thoughts that find sin agreeable and even defensible but doesn’t protect against consequences no matter how delayed they may be
NOT refuted ….correction
Sorry about that …I thought the point I was making. Made some sense in terms of what goes on in the minds of people when they don’t know the whole point God had in the marriage covenant …..going on into sexual relationships outside of or instead of marriage is damaging to those who believe they can do so without harm to themselves and others
In today’s culture it seems a lot like Corinthians who even as they were saved took liberties with sexual activity due to their surrounding culture and the idea that Grace Meant freedom to do sinful things
Sin always hurts and eventually is the cause of the death of the flesh as the fulfillment told to Adam sinned and the consequence he was warned of eventually took its toll on his flesh
It also rendered all who are born of man ever since doomed to die in their flesH…and if they don’t accept the savioirs death as the full payment for their condition of spiritual death from Adam passed onward to all they will die dead spiritually
So the idea that extra marital sex has no significant consequences is a lie that often people don’t realize the consequences which are assured to follow even if not realized in the immediacy of their own life
The 60s cultural “freedom ” mantra was caused as far as I have studied because the Word of God was not preached according tithe scriptures rightly divided so as to fully equip people to understand the way we have freedom FROM being weak iin the face of temptation yet not under Legalism
Freedom is not TO Indulge but to know how to avoid being in the frame of mind to allow an arguement to justify indulgence
The Word when truthfully understood acknowledges the way temptation works to draw you in but the truth helps us to realize our priviledge in our salvation freely provided and what our purpose is following that
Purpose helps to give us power and wisdom as to the “why ” sin is harmful and actually destroys our pleasure in the marriage covenant or having one spouse for life
The world is filled with people who don’t understand why there choices made apart fro
God are important and damaging for their best interest and life
So affairs are a result of ignorance of what God has given us for our good….ignorance can remedied by instruction
In the truth of Gods instructions …..2 Tim 3:16
Affairs are stupid and are products of ignorance OR willful rebellion and selfishness born of a resistance or rejection to instruction ….deception follows hard on the life of one who doesn’t think they have anything to learn .
We all need the Savioir ….sin kills and destroys ….some don’t believe it ….and they sow to themselves destruction
That was not something God wanted for mankind but he did allow for all to make their own choices …and for that He provided knowledge and wisdom so those choices could be INFORMED choices …
The world, the flesh, and the devil work full time against people following through with their interest in learning from the Word of God ….the scriptures urge us to continue to seek after Him that we would be rewarded with knowledge and understanding from scriptures if we are willing to seek in them
Forgiveness is the issue you were dealing with ….we can forgive the cheater but they must seek to understand the way God has provided for us to RECEIVE the means by which we may be forgiven for all our sins and justified in Jesus Christ
In my situation I am working this daily …the man I married and am still married to continues to live without any indication of what he is doing is wrong and damaging thought he SAID he is sorry …he continues along the same path of rebellion and sinful living
In Paul’s epistles to the Corinthians he deals with their behavior in that even as they are saved they continue in sin thinking there is no consequence in a judgment from God….true..we are justified in Christ and sealed unto the day of redemption but our walk is to be transformed by the renewing of our minds to put off the old man and to walk in the newness of life
Saved and that is set if the believer has believed the gospel but saved to what?…..not to go on in the same old habits unabated
It brings shame to the name of Christ and still hurts those they say they don’t want to hurt … Blinded by their lust and unturned from their self serving choices
Does that clear up why I wrote what I wrote
Hope so….I don’t want to confuse the issue ….stupid…evil or the other arrangement are all deliberate choices and will be called into account for both the saved and unsaved ….one will lose rewards but still be saved if they have the
Savioir but the one who refuses salvation through Jesus Christ will be lost
Gods forgiveness is sure for those whose sins have been paid in full by Jesus Christ but it is not a license to continue to sin without any following to learn about what we have in Christ for HIS. Glory
That’s what I have come to understand so far
Still suffering so much loss of what our marriage and family was to be as a glory to God and the best life for all of us as we traverse this lifespan here on earth
Argh..so rambling now ..sorry…..it’s my birthday today whooowhooo
Zaza,
I hope you had a happy birthday! Your additional comments clarify your points better. In today’s society, many have taken sexual liberties to extremes. The sexual drive can be strong and when used outside of its original context becomes destructive. What was intended for enjoyment, bonding and procreation has turned into exploitation, manipulation, hedonism, a way of spreading diseases and a nightmare.
Thank you Jeff…..it was a great day with my children who are adults
They have been wonderful and supportive yet the extreme adultery senario of their father with his lying and every other stealth behavior with little hope of any man in their age bracket being trustworthy . The “gift” that keeps on giving …Herpes type two was also one of the gifts that came up this birthday…glad I keep the medicine on hand !
My daughter’s have been raised to preserve themselves until marriage and haven’t even dated
If it weren’t for the Dugger family showing that there are some people who still reserve their experiences until marriage we would feel even more hopeless as far as anyone left who are of the same opinion.
The impact upon many more than just the wife has been devastating in so many ways
Its still curious how the cheater seems to put the blame on the betrayed without providing any reason….must be they feel so guilty they have to flee the carnage they have had to observe
I know the spiritual condition yet their choices go from bad to worse in trying to avoid dealing with the damage they have brought about
This makes some sense since seeking adultery and other escape choices has begun with not wanting to deal with realty when their marriage experiences don’t live up to their expectations …and “options” begin to come across their radar as today’s culture is very happy to comply .
Zaza,
Thank you for the response. The Dugger family has brought a positive impact. I suspect that the many attacks have been in response to some of their influence.
Your comment “Its still curious how the cheater seems to put the blame on the betrayed without providing any reason” is worth noting. Your suspicion of guilt driving it has merit. Cheaters often use blame as a way of counter-balancing their own guilt. (I address the guilt-blame balance in some previous emails).
The sad part is that many betrayed spouses take on the blame without questioning it. Taking on the blame without question has damaged many people. Within marriage, spouses want to believe what their spouse tells them. When affairs enter the picture that tendency works against them. You want to believe what they tell you, yet when they use this to blame you, it becomes destructive.
Best Regards,
Jeff